Financial Help For Single Moms

Volunteer Grandparents - Adopt A Grandchild

2012-02-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Voluneteer Grandparents and the Adopt A Grandchild program may just save my life, or at least, my sanity. I've lamented on the breakdown of the family values system in the US for years, and for me, not having parents who understand the meaning of 'family,' has left my children without the benefits of having grandparents. I have often wondered if I could put an ad on Craigslist for some kind of 'volunteer grandparent wanted' service, and today, I finally just searched Google, and actually found out that there is such an organization.

My own families attitude about family hasn't just left my kids without those 'family values', it's also caused me no end of emotional distress from not having a family support system when I need it, which then further affects my kids. During the Great Depression, families hunkered down together, watched each other's backs, helped to keep an eye out for, and raise, all the kids. There was no need for a Grandparent Volunteer Organization. Somehow over the past four decades those values have completely disappeared.

I grew up hearing 'family does for family,' every time my mother wanted my husband or me to do something for her... yet any time we asked my parents to come to help us with something around the house or set up a pool, fix a roof, whatever, Mom would barrage me with how we 'should really buy them dinner because that's like 'payment' for Daddy to come and help us."

Making things even worse, was the fact that my mother and I started a business together in 1999, buying and selling real estate. On the first house, both my 'Dad' (stepfather) and my husband signed for a mortgage to buy the house, my parents put up the cash for fixing the house up, and we all chipped on on the labor. We made a profit, and split it, but forever after that, my mother seemed convinced that what she invested in that one singular project, entitled her to keep 100% of profits on houses she 'wanted', and still get 50% of houses that I put all my money or credit on the line for, and where I supervised the work, if there was any to be done.

On the second house, as soon as it closed, she decided to tell me that I wasn't entitled to any profit from it because I wasn't putting up money or labor. She screwed me out of about $10,000.00

On the third house, she went against everything I said to do, and we wound up sitting on the house for a year, when she needed a new car, but claimed she couldn't afford the car payment. The house had around $50,000 in equity in it, and with the financing I had lined up, about $450.00 per month in cashflow. I told her to refinance it with that financing, buy me out of what I would have made if they had done what I said to begin with, and she could keep the cashflow to support a car payment. She did, and then bought a car cash. Then proceeded to tell me how 'she' was paying interest on a loan for 'me.' (The tenant actually pays the note, and there's still $450 left over for her... but the princess thinks I was supposed to do all the work, forego all 'profit' for myself, and if a house rents for $850 a month, anything less than that that she gets, is somehow a 'loss' to her....) *Incidentally, most 'rental properties,' require 15-30 years of paying off a mortgage, which the tenants actually pay, and the landlords are lucky to earn $50 a month in cashflow. She somehow has it in her head that she should be able to just 'get a house' without paying for it, having no mortgage on it, and keeping ALL the rent money she gets a Cashflow.

It seems to fit in with her idea of she shouldn't have to invest anything to get 100% of the rewards of whatever it earns.

From the third house on, she actually never put a dime into any property, and she didn't put any work into them either. If there were loan proceeds she got half, and she got half of the profit... if she made half of any payments on the houses when they were vacant, it came out of the loan proceeds or the profits, from loans and sales that she didn't have any money, labor, or responsiblity/liability for...

She finally pushed me to a breaking point when after four years of contributing nothing at all to houses that she got 50% of the loan proceeds and profifts for with no investment, I told her she had to pick a job to do and after turning all of them down for one reason or another... settled on going out to knock on doors... then demanded to be paid gas and mileage, on top of the 50% of the profits she got! She wound up walking out on the business, and then to add even more insult to injury, she 'blamed' me for something her own big mouth got her into.

When her insurance company was about to drop her, she called her agent to get a new company. The agent asked if there were any cracks in the house. She told them that there were, to which the agent replied, "well we have to investigate that because we work for the insurance company."

Having known my mother all my life, when she asked me what she should do, I knew better than to tell her, so I made her call our public adjuster and ask HIM what to do. He told her exactltly what I would have said, which is that she had to now file a claim lest something catastrophic happens later and the new insurance company claims that it was pre-existing and tells her to go back to the old company to make the claim. But, I made her ask him, so I didn't get the blame, which I got anyway.

Every time she had to deal with something during the claims process I had to be there, holding her hand, while being screamed at that it was all my fault and that I 'made' her file the claim.

If you think this can't get worse... when the dust settles and the claim is done, her house is PAID OFF, and she has a nice little settlement egg too! Do I even get a 'thank you'? For the 'blame' of 'making her do it?' For holding her hand through it? For being screamed at left and right? Nope, because now that she actually got something out of it, NOW, I didn't do 'anything'.

See, if it went bad, she could 'BLAME' me, but when it went good, well... she never would 'admit', that I didn't MAKE her do it, but she also wouldn't give me the credit I would have deserved if I had made her do it, or the credit I did deserve for sending her to the public adjuster or sitting there holding her hand through every interview, and being screamed at...

I then 'carried' the housese that we still had in 'inventory', after she walked out on the business, during which time we barely spoke, for the next two years, until my son was a year old and I wanted a grandmother for my son.

In exchange for being a "Grandmother," she demanded that I continue to make all the payments and manage all the houses that were still in the inventory when she walked out, and give her 50% of the profits when I sold them. I responded that if she expected to get a profit out of any house she had no money or labor, or even risk (the mortgage) invested in, than she had to give me the $10,000 she screwed me out of on that second house because if she got half of profits when she invested nothing, then I certainly should as well.

She did agree... but, wanted me to take it out of the houses that she was to get half of, when I sold them.

This was the price I had to 'pay' in order to 'buy my son a grandmother.'

Jump forward to 2007 when the real estate industry tanked, and I was about to lose the houses that were left... I called her and told her she needed to refinance them. My credit had been destroyed from the medical bills from the high risk pregnancy and premature birth of my son. She had to do it, or we would lose them. Her response.. "oh well."

Of course! She didn't have anything INTO them... as long as all the responsibility was on ME, if there was a profit, she'd be there with her hand out! But if she had to take any responsibility, then it was 'oh well.. I don't have anything invested, so I'm not really losing anything but what I was never really entitled to anyway."

So I not only got screwed out of half the profits for those houses, I also got screwed out of half the profits of all the houses she ever did get half of before she walked out, and 100% of the profit on the one she screwed me out of back in the early days...

Meanwhile, when the market came to a crashing halt later that year and my son and I (pregnant with my second) found ourselves HOMELESS...

This was the time when her claim settled and her house was paid off, plus she got a settlement over and above the amount owed on the mortgage.

She refused to pay me what she owed me for that house she screwed me out of, after having screwed me out of all the other ones that she didn't have money or labor or responsibility into, and after screwing me out of the last houses that she was to get 50% of, but wouldn't do her part for it....

She refused to pay what she owed, refused to take my kids and I in, forbid my grandmother from helping me at all or moving in with me, and called me a 'loser' and a 'piece of shit' in front of my son, every chance she got.

She berated me, telling me that I needed a job in a factory, becuase I wasn't 'fit' for anything else. At a time when there were no jobs, any job to be had was not about to hire a pregnant woman, she's telling me I'm a 'piece of shit, low life loser,' because I 'won't' get a job (that doesn't exist) in a factory (that won't hire me).

The one job I did find, that would have allowed me to work from HOME after two weeks of training at the corporate office, required me to work until about an hour and a half after daycare closed, but she wouldn't pick the kids up and keep them for 2.5 hours a night, M-F for a lousy two weeks, because she needed her 'me time.'

When I told her I would pull them out of that daycare and put them in a home daycare that kept later hours, I was a 'piece of shit mother, giving these kids no stability.'

And since I was BROKE, it's not as if I could have afforded to pay a special sitter to pick them up for 2.5 hours.

Her response: "well figure it out, everyone else does."

Which would have been fine except for two things, one of which was that she OWED me $10,000 at LEAST... ( a lot more if she truly believed that I should have had to DO half the work and put up half the money for the house she screwed me on, because that meant she wasn't entitled to half of the money on the multituded of houses that I had all the money and work in...) and if I didn't remember that I always went to my grandparents houses on the weekends, and for 1 or 2 weeks in the summers. When her and my step father first met and decided to live together, he had to sell his house, and I was shipped off to an aunt and uncle's house for a month so I 'wouldn't be in their way' while they tried to fix the house up to sell it.

I couldn't get 2 hours a day for two weeks of help, with this woman to whom I had given HALF the money I had worked to EARN for SIX YEARS! Plus the money she ripped me off for too!

Years of hearing "when are you going to give me grandchildren?" rang in my ears while I wondered, "Why should I? Do you want more children you can bully into your warped, and one sided version of 'family does for family...' them doing for you, but you never doing anything for them?"

A Volunteer Grandparent is exactly what I need in my life right now. Even though I have remarried now, it's still been a struggle to get 'stable' again. The economy is still bad, there are still few jobs, and the one I have is pretty demanding. My kids are still small and although I have daycare, the only job I can get requires that we work 12 hour shifts, and until 4am on Friday and Saturday nights, just to squeek by with enough income to pay our rent and utility bills.

I need a volunteer Grandparent who wants to 'adopt a grandchild' and be there to help us out, give us a break, and show our kids what 'family', really means. It means taking care of EACH OTHER... it is not 'you take care of me, I screw you" as my own mother seems to think.

There are Volunteer Grandparents out there who want to 'adopt a grandchild', and they would be far more deserving of the love of a (grand)child than a selfish woman like my mother is. They don't have to be 'bought' to be loving grandparents, which seems to be the only reason my mother had a child or wanted children... to have something she could 'sell' love to, because she can't seem to conceive of how to earn money honestly.

Sex In Announcements

2012-01-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Copulate Wal-Mart

SexIn Announcement

Since breast feeding Mom's insist that they have a right to bare their breasts in public on the grounds that it's 'feeding a baby', then there is no reason that we shouldn't have sex in public! After all, sex is necessary to bring forth life into the world. Like breastfeeding, sex is a completely natural act and just as a breast is necessary to feed a baby, sex is necessary to make a baby!

There are far too many people in the world, not having children because they are too selfish, spoiled and lazy. We must stage this public SexIn to show them how to do it and how important it is that we procreate and bring life into this world! We must do it publicly to prove that it's perfectly acceptable to go to whatever lengths necessary to procreate and bring forth the children. It's time for the rest of the world to accept that children must be made, and that those of us who simply don't have the time to do it, should absolutely take any measures necessary to do so, even if that means grabbing a quickie while we do our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart.

It's time for people to stop seeing sex in a sexual way. There's nothing perverse about sex. It's a natural act that is necessary to bring children into the world, and we should have sex anywhere we want to make sure that these children are made.

No one should have to hide behind closed doors for procreation. It's necessary to bring life into the world, it's not a perverse thing, and anyone who is uncomfortable with having to see this completely natural, and necessary for procreation act, will just have to deal with it. We need to cease all concern for others in this mission to educate the world on the necessity of sex to create healthy children so that we can bare our breasts to feed these children in public and further educate the rest of the world on the benefits of breastfeeding for their continued health after birth.

We are the 'bringers of life'. This gives us absolute dominion over the morals of all people everywhere. We will be the ones to decide what you can or cannot believe in for your morals. Our rights overrule yours. We are the 'Mommies', and our rights do not end where your rights begin.

***This is satire.***

I did not breastfeed my children. My first was a preemie and spent 6 weeks in a Level III NICU. Nursing would not have been convenient for me. I was told by the breastfeeding sanctimommy contingent that I could have and should have pumped. If I could have and should have pumped with a child in a NICU and a full time job, I simply can't support the right to breastfeed in public. If I could have pumped, they can also pump and not dictate to me or anyone else what I do and do not have the right to feel comfortable with or consider 'modesty.'

Budget Activities For Youths

2011-07-30T07:05:00.001-07:00

Budgeting Activities for the Youth

It is very important for individuals to know how to handle finances. Being thrifty is a good trait and very few youth possess it. Parents are the very first teachers of the children and so they must set good examples. As parents, you can give your kids budgeting activities so they will learn to handle finances at an early age.

A vey simple task or activity is to allow your kids to budget their allowance. You can start by giving them weekly allowances and then after some time, give them their monthly allowance. Once they have the money, they will be in charge of all their expenses. Don’t give them extra money especially if they spent their allowances unwisely. Let it be a lesson for them so that they will learn from their mistakes.

Another thing, parents should also encourage their teens to join youth groups in your area. That way, they can participate in the various activities of the group. In fact, some activities of the youth group can teach the members on how to spend money wisely.

Youth groups usually organize special occasions and the group is often divided into several committees. One committee will be in charge of handling the finances for the occasion. This is already a way of training the youth on how to appropriately distribute the available funds so that everything will go smoothly.

Out of town activities are also conducted. This activity will also improve the budgeting skills of your kid. Of course, as a parent you will give your kid allowance for the trip. If your kid is responsible enough, he/she will spend the money only on the necessary expenses. Thrifty kids will often go home with money in their pockets, and not empty-handed.

It seems that everything you do involves spending money. You have to pay the electric bill, the water bill, telephone bill, buy some groceries, pay the rent, and many others. If an individual knows how to handle these things, everything will be settled down to the last monthly bill, and will even have money left for savings. You as parents will surely be happy to see your kids grow to be responsible individuals.

Budgeting is very important and when your kids grow up, they will need it badly. If they fail to budget their money, then they will always end up borrowing money. Things might even go very badly because the credit standing may be affected. So while your kids are still young, teach them how to effectively budget their money. Your kids will surely thank you when they grow older.

Help your kid find a youth group and show him/her your full support. Encourage them to participate in the budgeting activities to enhance their skills. Give them enough freedom to take care of their expenses while they are still young. That way, the kids will be more independent and wise. They will learn the value of money and the importance of savings.

As soon as your kid reaches the teenage years, teach him/her to be a responsible individual who knows how to handle money. And of course, let your kid join a local youth group so that he/she will belong to a peer group that can help him/her become a better person. You will soon notice that your teen is growing up too fast.

Another example of corruption at the FL Dept of Revenue

2011-06-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

This oughtta be good... now it's not a secret that I haven't WANTED to fight for child support since sometime in the spring of 2010, when I remarried and a REAL MAN stepped up and took on the role of 'Daddy.' I tried for 2 1/2 years, only to be completely screwed by Child Support Enforcement and The Department of Revenue when it came to GETTING SUPPORT when I NEEDED it.

They came up with more runarounds and rigamorole than any politician could manage.

But when I remarried, I had a husband, my kids had a father, and we didn't NEED it, and after the Hell that the "Genetic Template" put me through with refusing to help for 2.5 years (with the exectpion of the couple of months he sent money as long as I submitted to his BLACKMAIL and sent my kids to his mother's house for weekends... that stopped when the psycho stalker drug addict brother came home from Iraq and "Grandma" insisted on allowing him to be around my kids against my very firmy directive NOT TO) I just wanted him OUT of our lives.

I closed my case with the DOR.

But when my husband lost his job, we had to relocate and both of us needed to find new jobs to get back on our feet and for that we needed daycare, which we needed state assistance to get.

And which also forced us to re-open our case with CSE and the DOR.

I was quite explicit with the DOR that I DID NOT WANT to pursue child support. I explained to them that my husband is their Dad, and that he wanted to adopt the boys. I explained that right now, 'the genetic template' has made no move for custody or visitation, because he won't pay to file the action for paternity first. I know that he knows the DOR will do that part... and that saves him a lot of money.

Now get this.. these idiots SAY that they 'front the money' for it, but he has to pay it back.

Now come on, we all know that any monies will get added to the balance he owes THEM... after all the DOR collects 90% of the child support AWARD as their 'adminstrative fees' and the custodial parents don't end up with anything near what it takes to RAISE the kids... and we all know that he won't pay and that no one will do a damn thing about it. Deadbeat Dads don't get prosecuted and this one has the US Army to hide behind too... with all their secret little 'SCRA's' and other 'documents' that allow men to avoid RESPONSIBILITY!

He'll never pay a dime, for the paternity action, or for the support or back support to anyone.. not me, not them, and he not only won't suffer any CONSEQUENCES for that... he'll get REWARDED...

How?

Because our JOKE of a 'legal system' won't look at the fact that he:

Left us HOMELESS... in a house with no electricity, ( we needed $2,500 to turn the power on and I had NO MONEY, and I was PREGNANT, and there were no jobs, but even if there were, no one was going to hire a pregnant woman so I had no way to come up with the money)

Knew our choices were a shelter (he called me a 'piece of shit' when I said this) or a house with no running water, no heat, and mold, and no money to fix any of those things.

Ran over my feet with a car

Screamed at me and called me "Fucking Bitch" in front of my son

Terrorized me

Refused to support his kids. He COULD have worked day labor until he went to boot camp to make sure the kids ATE... but no, he said that he was going to boot camp in four months so he wasn't getting a job, and that he wouldn't do a damn thing to help support the kids until then.

Knew his brother was stalking me on the Internet, trying to interfere with my ability to make a living... following me around the web, outing pen names, and calling my house in the middle of the night, stoned out of his mind, slurring... and he did NOTHING about it.

The courts won't even consider all these things... they'll say... "oh good. The state paid for a paternity test, we can prove a genetic link."

And now, with someone else having picked up the tab for paternity, this 'sperm seller' (remember he's no 'donor'. He didn't 'donate' I paid DEARLY for those little swimmers) PROOF of a DNA LINK... he can file for custody, visitation...

And our IDIOTIC legal system can say "well, there's a genetic link. he gets to see the kids."

And to add insult to injury... the law treats child support and custody/visitation as two separate things. One has nothing to do with the other.

So we know, that even with the judgment, he won't pay. And we know that he'll be allowed to get away with it (just look at how many women post about HOW they can't get this state to ARREST these deadbead dads for this CRIME).... and yet... he'll still be allowed to SEE THE KIDS.... setting the example of "it's ok to be a scumbag, an abuser, and a deadbeat dad... look, it's gotta be ok, cause the courts still say that I get to see you, so it can't be a bad thing.)

Thank you America for being so fucking STUPID.

So now here we are...I have told the DOR that I don't WANT to go after this man. I'm finally away from him, he doesn't know my phone number, or where I live. I've had NO COMMUNICATION with him in over a year and a half and my family is HAPPY.

But they force me, and so yesterday was the hearing for the motion to establish paternity.

I was told I had to be there so I went, but when I got there, I was told I didn't have to stay, so I left.

Now remember, I have no attorney. I'm not ALLOWED to have an attorney.... I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE DOR... the attorney is THEIRS.. he advises THEM, I'm not allowed to talk to HIM and the DOR is not allowed to give ME 'legal advice.' So I really don't know what the Hell my rights even are, because as I said "I'm not ALLOWED to have an attorney. I HAVE to have the DOR's attorney represent THEM... because after all, they get 90% of the child support money.... so this case is about THEIR 'interests'... NOT MY KIDS!

Ain't that just loverly?

Now I didn't see him there either, so I don't know what's going on, and that's when I was told I didn't have to stay.

So I left and today, I get a call from Kay Howell at the DOR. She tells me that yesterday, they ordered the DNA testing, and that in a few weeks I would notified of when my appointment to bring the kids in is.

Well, here's the thing.

Thinking back, I did know my husband back when I met 'sperm seller' and we had been dating... so I guess technically, maybe, it's POSSIBLE that the kids COULD be his, right?

In fact, from what I have been told, since no father was NAMED on the kids birth certificates (because of an archaic law dating back to the 1800's, I wasn't allowed to put any name but the HUSBAND's on it, and I was still married to my first husband although we'd been separated for almost 2 years when my first child was born) once I disestablished his paternity, I could name any man I chose or any man willing to SIGN the birth certificate could sign it.

But because the morons at CSE now had a 'sworn statement' from me saying that 'sperm seller' was the father, I didn't know how that would affect my current husband's ability to just sign the damn thing and declare himself "LEGAL FATHER."

So I asked Kay this, and she gave me some rigamarole that I don't actually believe to be correct, about having to have the COURT establish paternity now... but the conversation once again turned to the fact that I do not want sperm seller in our lives.

And just to drive home my point about his 'personality'.... he wanted the kids, he used money to blackmail me into letting his mother see the kids... yet... he's never WILLINGLY signed their birth certificates (now, he might say here that what Kay Howell said is true there needs to be a court order, etc.. but if you read back through this blog, you can see plenty of evidence that he and his mother accuse me of REFUSING to let him sign their birth certificates... so I'm curious how he would reconcile that one if any of you, my dear readers, ever called him out on that 'conflicting evidence.)

So he's REFUSED to just cooperate in making himself the 'legal father.' Because we all know (if you read back through this blog) that once my divorce from my 1st husband was final, I BEGGED him to MAKE IT LEGAL before he went to WAR and he REFUSED (I believe his verbatim answer when asked to make it legal was "Fuck You You fucking bitch.)

And yesterday, he had an attorney there, and they requested DNA testing.... now if he REALLY wanted to actually CLAIM his kids, why not just say "I know their mine, let's get on with this."

Well, because he's a douchebage, we all know that, and because it stalls for more time, and more than likely, by the time anything can be done after that... he'll find some other US ARMY 'act' he can hide behind....

BUT... if he doesn't, and the paternity does get established at no cost to him, now it's not a whole lot of money to pay the lawyer to file for the 'custody or visitation'.

So he files, and these idiots give it to him because hey... his sociopathich personality doesn't mean jack... there's a genetic link.... he can now be a bad influence on the next generation and do his part to contribute to a whole new race of 'deadbeat dads' who will keep the DOR nice and busy with their fat paychecks.

So as I'm telling Kay Howell all this and why I am AFRAID of having this man in our lives, and so forth... do you know what she says to me?

"Well, have you ever filed for an exemption?"

I CAN REQUEST TO GET AN EXEMPTION FROM HAVING TO COOPERATE WITH CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT?

You've known for OVER A YEAR that I DON'T WANT child support from this man.... why didn'y you ever tell me this before?

Her answer: Well DCF is supposed to tell you this.

REALLY? Well, when I told you MONTHS ago that I didn't want to file, you never asked me THEN if I filed for this 'exemption'..... so how the Hell could you 'assume' I knew about it?

Don't you think if I did, I would have done it, considering that I was telling you how much I do not WANT this man in mine or my kids lives?

Seriously, this woman thinks I don't see through her circular statements, but I do. And frankly, I'm fed up with the DOR.

And the whole 'family court system.' It's a joke.

He left us, and when we NEEDED support we were told, "oh, too bad, your needs don't fit our criteria.... jump through hoops for a few years, while trying to support your kids yourself, just so we can OWN your case and get all the money!' ARGGG.....

She actually said to me "beware, if you close your state assistance and you ever need it again in the next 15 years, we'll have to start all over with this..."

DUH! Do you think that thought hasn't crossed my mind as a way to KEEP stalling YOU....

But now that I know about this 'exemption'... well, it may not have to come to that, but because she 'CONVIENTLY' waited until today to tell me about it... because now there is a COURT ORDER to do the DNA, so even if DOR withdraws the case, the court COULD still say "well, we already ordered the DNA test, so we're still going to have that done."

Like I don't know now, WHY this 'exemption' option was kept from me for so long.

She also said to me: "We've gone through a lot in these past three years."

I said "No, YOU haven't. I have. All the DOR has done is go... "oh good..loophole, we don't have to do anything."

And she had the NERVE to tell me how much money THEY had 'invested' in the case.... SERIOUSLY? Figure $500 a month in child support for 3.5 years... (4 by the time all is said and done).... That's $24,000 of MY KIDS MONEY!

So, here's the current status:

DNA test has been ordered, and I'm looking for a way out. I DON'T WANT THIS MAN IN MY KIDS LIVES! The only purpose he serves on the planet is to be used as a 'bad example.'

I can file for the exemption and if granted, keep state assistance without having to deal with HIM and this child support crap.

Close out state assistance, and DOR withdraws their case.

In either of the last two scenarios, however, the courts COULD still decide to force me to follow through with the DNA testing because the ORDER is already standing....

It sure would have been nice if I could have had a LAWYER tell me my right for this exemption before we got here, so that we could have avoided the order.

But that's why DCF and and CSE and DOR don't tell you about your 'options' and why they KEEP you from having a LAWYER.... so when they 'omit information' you have no idea until it's too late and they've already screwed you six ways from Sunday.

Florida Department of Revenue- Kay Howell

2011-05-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

So, now that the deadbeat in question no longer has a job, the Florida Child Support Enforcement Agency and the Department of Revenue that oversees them, in their infinite stupidity have finally gotten the father of my kids served. Of course, now that I'm remarried, with a new life and he has no job, they'll get an 'order.' An order which they'll never collect a dime from, and if by some miracle they do, 9 cents of will go to them for covering their administrative costs and maybe a whole penny of it will go to my kids.

Had they done their job RIGHT three and a half years ago, they would have served both my husband and the boys father at the same time, let them both take the paternity test, and prove fatherhood then and there. But no, some IDIOT at the Child Support Enforcment Agency instead chose to give me 'legal advice' and tell me to get a divorce first. That took months, and when it was finally done, then told me that the wording of the divorce papers wasn't good enough and that my now ex-husband and I would have to go back to court to get it changed and exclude as both the bio father AND the legal father (since the papers only excluded him as the bio dad.) After the next two months of attempting to accomplish that (and trying to get a non-bullshit, non-evasive answer from the morons at CSE and DOR as to why they didn't tell me what they wanted it to say when they told me to get the divorce and being told "we can't give you legal advice", then asking "well what exactly did you think you were doing when you told me to get the divorce?) the idiots finally start the process of pursuing bio.

Next line of Florida Department of Child Support and Department of Revenue BULLSHIT... they can't find him!

He's in the MILITARY. He's the easiest son of a bitch on the planet to find! But these morons can't manage it.

A raving call to the DOR threateing to issue a Press Release to the National AP results in the 'investigator' (probably for the DOR's attorney... since I don't have an attorney and this useless jack wad doesn't work for me so I can't communicate with him or write a letter to the bar about him) finally getting off his own incompetent ass and in 48 hours, bio was served.

Only now, the useless little prick is under orders to go to Iraq so he can invoke the "SCRA." The Servicemens Civil Relief Act that bascially protects men from things like paternity cases.

Sure, while he was IN the military and there was an income to collect on, Florida Child Support Enforcement and The Department of Revenue found every way out of going after him.

Now, that he's home, and probably unemployed. I heard he just got remarried... poor girl, they'll serve him, and you know what will happen?

NOTHING.

The court will issue the order. And he won't pay.

All these idiots are doing are paying for HIM to get paternity established so HE can exercise his rights to not pay, and then, to be a part of the child's rights now that someone else has footed the bill for him to establish that paternity.

I want to close the case, but we have no medical coverage right now and I need it for the kids.

I'm backed into a corner by these useless idiots. I'm sure there's something I can do, but they'll never tell me what it is. I hate these people.

Beware Working For Arise

2011-03-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted to this blog, but today, I discovered that a company I have recommneded to countless people as a legit work-at-home job, has been pulling some sleazy tricks.

First of all, they are taking people's money for the 'training courses,' but the software applications needed for each client rarely work as they're supposed to and trying to get 'tech support' online or on the phone, is an exercise in futility. I once spent SIX HOURS 'waiting for a represnetative' on "Live Chat Support." Sending emails to their 'resolution center' is equally useless as it takes them up to 24 hours to respond, and when you need to be signed in to work and can't get on, you need the support THEN. And if you call on the phone for support, they just tell you to submit a ticket to the resolution center. So when you can't get support for their buggy software, you miss work, which then hurts your 'commitment adherence' score, for which they terminate you, after having taken your money for the 'training class.'

For those lucky enough to actually begin work and work for a while with Arise, often there is an 'unpleasant discovery' of a clause snuck into a contract, which gives Arise yet another reason to terminate the contract. One example of this is a sneaky clause in the contract requiring the worker to do a completely separate job from what they are actually hired to do. An example of this is when the worker is contracted to perform customer service, tech support, or sales duties, but the contract has some 'fine print' that also requires that the worker also perform 'market resaearch duties' in the form of pushing people to take a survey relating to their experience.

Not only is this a completel separate 'market research' job, it's not hard to figure out that people don't want to sit and answer a survey after they've just had to call a company to work out a problem. When the worker can't force, coerce, or guilt enough people into particpating in the survey, Arise will terminate their contract for that.

I won't be recommending this company as a legit work at home job anymore.

Your Most Pressing Questions

2011-01-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've set up this post specifically to answer your most pressing questions. Ask them here.

A Legitimate Work At Home Job!

2010-12-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

Looking for a legitimate work at home job?

Let me tell you about Arise. First off, they do offer legit, hourly pay 'jobs.' But these are not 'job jobs' in the way you would think of them. Yes you get paid by the hour, but you must have a corporation, or be contracted by a corporation that already has a contract with them, because you submit 'invoices' for your hours and they pay on 'invoices' not payroll or even 1099.

Believe me, it's much better this way than either of the other two for many reasons, which are too long to go into here, but I'm a business major in college with a focuses on marketing and finance, so I'm telling you this with knowledge, not opinion. If you get state assistance of any kind, having your own corporation is your best friend. Likewise, it's quite helpful at tax return time too.

The 'jobs' Arise offers are called 'clients.' These clients are big name companies like Sears, Disney, AT&T, Apple, and more... The lowest hourly pay I have seen is $8.50 and I've seen jobs as high as $10 and I think $10.50 an hour. Some of the clients pay based on 'talk time' or 'chat time' (there are jobs that are strictly 'Live Chat' jobs doing either tech support, customer service or sales.) Most of the jobs are phone jobs, but it's varied between tech support, customer service and sales. For sales, it's all inbound calls, or chats, and it's people calling because they WANT to buy something (like an upgrade to their iphone) so it's not like seedy telemarketing boiler rooms or anything.

Arise will train you in all of the opportunities (jobs) but you do have to pay for the training class. However,

Your first step is to apply. In your application, when they ask for the ACPID ID number of the person who referred you, give them this: 514671

Once they accept your application, you will take a test. It's a customer service test and it's pretty easy and mostly common sense.

Once you pass the test, you will have to pass a voice call audition. Be upbeat and positive.

After that, you have to pay for a background check (this is $9.00 or $13.00 I can't remember, it's been over a year since I did it.)

Then you take THEIR test on thier policies and procedures. They will give you the manual to study and I think you have 5 days after they approve you for it, to take it.

I paid $50.00 for this test (plus $75.00 to incorporate and the $9-$13 for the background check, but you can contract under me if you can't afford to incorporate).

Once you pass THIS test (and this whole process may sound long but it only takes about 10 days really as long as everything turns out ok with your checks and tests) they usually give you a $100 voucher for training classes. All classes have different prices, but they are usually under $100. The AT&T chat job was $125 and the AAA job is $250, but the rest are generally under $100.00 and you can apply your voucher to more than one.

Then you take a training class and you start work.

If you take a phone job, you will need a separate line from your home, dedicated only to Arise, and cannot have any features on it like call waiting or voicemail.

Also, none of the clients will support Windows Vista. Some are supporting 7 now, but the best O/S to have is Windows XP as it is supported across the board.

If you work for Apple, you have to have a Mac, but they can lease to own one to you dirt cheap.

State Finacial Assistance For Single Moms And Families

2010-11-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

State Financial Assistance For Single Moms And Families is available. Many people think you have to separate from your spouse, but that's simply not true, and in light of the economic events of the past 3 years, I've decided to make this post to help other seeking financial aid.

Now, the Cash Assistance Program itself isn't a bad one, if you understand how to play their little game, but believe me, it is a game and it's got to be played like a chess game. Very, very strategically. If you can do it at the very beginning of the year, before you've filed your tax returns for the previous year, it's going to be a lot easier. Or if you haven't filed yet.

First off, and this is something I wholeheartedly disagree with and hope to offer a solution for at some time in the future, you must have kids to qualify for any cash assistance.

Second, the amount of 'cash' they give you is pretty much a joke. As a family of 4, we qualified for $364 a month. (The real value in Cash Assistance is in the UpFront Diversion and the Support Services- which we'll talk about in a minute.)

Now, if you're working AT ALL, you don't qualify for Cash Assistance, so in all honesty, PREPARE. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that you can cover 3 months worth of 'bills' before you even apply for Cash Assistance. If you have just found yourself without a job and don't have 3 months 'savings,' find a job off the books, clean people's houses, write articles for websites (yes, website owners pay for this) whatever you can do to keep those bills paid that you won't have to report on a W-2.

If it looks like you might be out of a job, sock that money away now, because you are going to need it later. In our case, we knew my husband was going to have to quit his job for us to get cash assistance just for the daycare referral so we could both get jobs. So we made arrangements to stay with a friend until that all came to fruition. He gave his notice, we waited it out, we made our application for assistance. We got the daycare referral. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here, so let me just jump back a bit, to the year 2007.

In November of 2007, I found myself, pregnant, and with my 22 month old son, homeless. I had just learned how to make money online as a writer. It was actually stupidly easy once I figured out where the market was, but, I hadn't made enough to catch up on months of bills I was behind on, the boys' father deserted us, and here we were, no electricity, no money, no job, no daycare for a job and no money for daycare... yea, this was fun.

I applied for state assistance, and I was turned down because I owned 3 houses that were in foreclosure. I couldn't sell or even rent them in the conditions they were in. It was November, the economy had just fallen apart and people were scared. I was one of them. Especially without food stamps, or a job. And who would hire a pregnant woman anyway, even if I had daycare!

Now, if only I had known then... Cash Assistance offers 'Up Front Diversion." If you get a job, before cash opens, they will give you up to $1,000 for bills you can document, and since it was contingent on cash 'not' opening, you didn't even have to qualify. You merely had to prove you applied. Only at that point, I was ignorant because I didn't know I was supposed to go to Career Central yet. I had been waiting on DCF to approve me, and tell me what to do next, but you don't have to wait for approval to go to Career Central to 'work register' which is where they tell you about up front diversion.

Now, had I gone there, I could have gotten that money, plus my 2006 tax returns which would have been around $1,500. That would have given my $2,500 to work with. Plus, I would have gotten a 2 year referral for daycare. I could have rented a weekly motel and had enough money to last 2-3 weeks for a paycheck (I would have done telemarketing and wrote at night for extra money) and probably recovered fairly quickly. But it wasn't until I LOST those houses, and did get food stamps and Medicaid, that I was finally told to go to Career Central to 'work register' for the 'cash assistance' (in 2008) and I learned about 'up front diversion.' Luckily back then, they gave you a 2 year referral for daycare, but you couldn't apply for cash assistance again for 90 days.

Of course, at the $303 (then with a family of 3) a month, it wasn't worth going back on in 90 days anyway. If you work, you lose it completely, and with only $303 a month, you can't afford to not work. But...

First of all, as of Nov 2010, the new rules are that if you take up front diversion you get NO OTHER SUPPORT SERVICES for those 90 days. Not even daycare. Now this isn't an issue if you can find a work at home job, which you can and we'll talk about that too, later. But as I said earlier, the real benefit to Cash Assistance is the support services.

These services are gas cards, money for school, books and tuition, uniforms. They also have alotments to help you if you're short on rent money, a utility bill, car insurance, etc. You have to ask for it and do a little extra paperwork, but it's worth it, and, then, if you stay on it for a certain amount of time, you get a little exit bonus when you get off it too.

Now here's a really beautiful thing too... as a single mother, you'll qualify for grant money for school, and as long as you don't have a student loan in default, you can't be denied one. Doesn't matter what your credit score looks like either!

Even more beautiful though is this... books and tuition never amount to as much as you get in grants and loans, and the difference is paid back to you in a 'disbursement.' BUT... Cash Assistance will also give you money for tuition and books, so that's even more of your student loan money and grant money coming back to your pocket!

So you can get the upfront diversion, (and provided you have resources for the following 90 days it's a grand in cash in a week or two.) $1,000
You have a tax return $1,500
You have money from school $5,000 minimum probably

That's $7,500 right there.

On a personal side, in 2010, I remarried a wonderful man and we both had jobs, but I worked from home and he worked 2 hours away. We moved closer to his job only to discover that the house we rented was in foreclosure. We are still trying to fight that, but we wound up losing a lot of money on that house, and my work dried up over the summer.

In September we went to stay with a friend who was 2.5 hours from hubby's job, and the commute was too much. On both him and the car. We also knew that we both needed full time jobs to recover and that that would require daycare. So he gave his notice, we applied for state assistance again, for the daycare referral, and this time, we're getting everything we can out of it.

I'm sending hubby back to school too, so there's another $5,000 minimum in our pockets.
My tax returns will be higher because I have 2 kids, and I also still have on from 2008 that will be about $3,000, so all told, hubby and I are looking at around $15,000 to start our lives over

If you're smart, you'll invest about $200 of that money into setting up a corporation and making yourself an 'employee' of it. Now you have a job, and you can work for it for the minimum hours you need to keep Career Central happy (35 hours a week, and school hours count, but not as income, so you get to keep food stamps and Medicaid.

There are also legit work at home opportunities out there that require you to have a corporation, and I'll post more about those soon. For now, it's 4:45 am, and I've been up since 2am. I have to catch 2 more hours of shut eye before I begin my long day of working mommyhood.

Pasco County Florida Homeless Problem

2010-11-15T00:30:00.001-08:00

Becky, I wanted to share with you a story about a so-called 'charity organization' in Holiday, Florida, called "Joining Hands." When my husband and I found ourselves in need of very temporary help, we called every single agency that we were referred to and all of them kept sending us to this joining hands place.
We were living in a motel due to the discovery that the unlivable house we rented with an option to buy was in foreclosure. We attempted to withhold rent so that a judge would have to hear our side, but the Bradenton City Police Department's Sergeant Knight decided that we were not entitled to the due process rights given to tenants under Florida Landlord Tenant Law Chapter 83 statutes.
Suffice it to say, we tried staying with a friend, but the 2 hour commute each way was too much and my husband was forced to give notice. Two days before his last day, we found ourselves in the motel.

Knowing that we would need help in one or two weeks, we went to "Joining Hands" for help, only to be told they were 'out of funds.' This seems to be the 'stanadard response' everyone gets.

We used his last paycheck and a little help from his family to get through the first two weeks, and in 2 weeks we had job offers, but we weren't going to get paid for two more weeks.

Other people living at the motel told us "Joining Hands" was helping them too. During those first couple of weeks, one couple we met went there every Wednesday and every Wednesday, "Joining Hands" paid their motel bill again. So we went. And we were promptly told they were out of funds. Yet, the continually had funds for this couple, and at least one other couple there as well. (*To add insult to injury, one of the couples had her mother staying at the motel with them, hiding out from a repo man, and 'mom' made something like $200 a night as a CNA/Phlebotomist for an agency.)

When "Robin" at "Joining Hands" asked us our story, even after giving us the 'standard: we're out of funds spiel" we told her and she proceeded to try to give us legal advice that we knew to be incorrect, and or that would take months to see results from.

First she said: "Well you need to go to the DA and tell him about this landlord. It's illegal for him to take money for rent and not pay the mortgage."

I explained, 'State Attorney, we don't have a DA here, we have a State Attorney, and no, it's not.'

Then she told me to go to Bay Area Legal. It takes them 6 weeks to call you back just to set up an appointment 6 weeks down the road from that.

I explained that we had plans to take care of suing the landlord and the Bradenton City Police Department, but that takes months and we just needed help for a week.

This is when she went back and again told me I needed to call the DA. I once again explained that we not only do not have a 'DA', but that it was not a criminal matter, it is civil law, and it takes months to get anything done in civil suits. She continued to try to insist that it was a crime for him to take our money and not pay the mortgage. I tried explaining to her that it is not illegal, that we are a judicial state and that it takes so long to foreclose that it's not illegal, but she kept interrupting me and talking over me, insisting she was right, and getting quite uppity with me about it.

I finally got a little uppity back (I was a professional real estate investor/landlord for 8 years in this state, I'm well aware of Florida Landlord Tenant Laws) and then questioned why there were other people at the motel getting help from this place that kept telling ME it was 'out of funds.'

I got up and left at that point, only to return to the motel and have the other couple come knocking on my door, telling me the lady at "Joining Hands" called her to yell at her for telling us they helped her, and claimed that I yelled at her and that they were going to help me until then.

I didn't 'yell' at her. I corrected her, gently, and then a little more sternly about her spouting off 'legal advice' that she is not qualified to give and about which she is not just totally wrong, but also, would give someone who didn't know better a sense of false hope that some "DA" which doesn't even exist, was going to come swooping in and save the day for them.

Eventually, another couple told me that it works like this: You go to your church, you give them money, then they give money to Joining Hands, and then Joining Hands gives you a motel voucher.

I don't know whether or not that's true. I don't even know if that's legal, and I sure as Hell don't know how it can keep claiming 'out of funds' while every week it has funds for others who have been getting those funds for a while.

It's been a long time since I made a post

2010-10-26T04:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted here since May. I just haven't had a whole lot to say. Since I remarried, life has been much less turbulent. My husband and I are building a great life together and the ex and his psychotic brother are a thing of the past. My kids love and adore my husband and they call him Daddy, and life is good.

We hit a few bumps in the road over the past couple of months, but where one door closes, another one opens and a whole new world is now our oyster. Come January, maybe February, I will have a great big surprise for everyone, but I have to keep everything under wraps for right now.

To all the single moms out there, I want to say this. Being a mom isn't easy, being a single mom is tough as Hell, but things do get better, so just hang in there, and if you need help, you know you can always post here and I will do my best to assist you with whatever you need.

Take Care.

Look What The Deadbeat Dad Stalker Has To Say

2010-05-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

Sharon, Rich's ex, and also fighting for YEARS of back child support and a victim of Rich and Kelly's 'game', has been eamailing Rich asking about child support. He's refused to answerk, but instead, writes things like you're about to see. He's the one in BOLD.

Sharon has repeatedly e-mailed Rich asking him when he plans on paying his child support. He refuses to respond in writing, just keeps trying to get her to 'call' him on the phone. She knows that it will be the same redirect on the phone, accusations and misdirection, and still no ANSWERS as is his standard MO, and so she won't bother. Every email she sends to him he replies with accusations about her and 'her friend' (me), accuses us of all sorts of things from having bad marriages, to using drugs, to being 'nuts.' But the thing is, WE are not the ones refusing to answer questions and playing 'games' to avoid the questions.

He claims he won't answer her question in an email because she will 'pervert' the answers with 'cut and paste.' I've sent her the screen shots of the yahoo status messages that he puts out to threaten to call cops on me, call me names, and so on, and guess what... THEY'RE SHOTS OF THE ACTUAL SCREEN! They can't be "cut and paste."

This is his last email to her. It's WHOLE. I just 'interrupted' to answer each sentence individually.

So, these are MY retorts to what this asshole has to say, and the question still remains:

RICH: WHEN DO YOU PLAN TO PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT?

Now, on to his e-mail. His psychotic redirect is in BOLD, my responses aren't.

Ok, THIS is 'cut and paste,' Asshole.

Rich: I never metioned Steven's conditions. I commented on your new friend who refuses treatment, as a result lives in her own world with friends like you.

1.)The treatment for the depression I suffered from, was to get the abusive people who were causing the depression out of my life.The 'treatment' along with meds for 'situational depression' (the situation being you and your loser brother, combined with PPD) was prescribed by a THERAPIST AND A DR in July 2007.
2.)Most people who are in a state of depression aren't able to accept it, since that seems like it will make matters worse. No one 'refuses' it. But it can be hard to accept. Especially when 'family' is the cause of it, and you have no way to get rid of them.
3.)Cymbalta, too harsh. Prozac, got pregnant. Lexapro,after Daniel was born, on for about 4 months. Dr took me off. Without scumbags around, ripping me off and talking shit about me behind my back while using me for a place to stay, the depression lifted. Imagine that. You sorry ass piece of SHIT.

Rich: I dont have to take up anything with her, shes nuts. Shes your friend you deal with her and her lies. Shes your problem and my brothers.

Then why do YOU seem to think you're 'in charge' of child support, and why are you the one sending the harassing and threatening status messages, calling her disgusting names. If you truly believed she was mentally ill, you would have 'sympathy' for someone in so much turmoil. The fact that you use it to hurt her, shows that you're a SICK FUCK.

Rich: I can tell you I live and work without a worry of you or a nut job like her.The both of you have poor relationships with everyone because you spend more time on the internet than living your own life.

oh, I've got a couple hundred screen shots that say otherswise. You send your status messages to us all day long, all night long.

Rich: I work at my life , thats whyI have a real marraige not someone who sleeps in another room or in your friends case married by a Notary

You got married in LAS VEGAS! How tacky. At least my wedding was COOL, and something no one else has ever done. I sleep in the same room and bed with my husband. You slept in separate COUNTRIES for over a year. And we both sleep in the same room and bed, with our husbands.

Rich: My wife and I work hard for what we have and we have what we want. We dont blame others for our lives, we dont come home from work and lock ourself in our room and smoke pot like others.

You live off others, paying no rent, letting them foot the bills, buy your cigarettes, put gas in their car that they let you drive to a job where you collect a paycheck and then spend on pills. And I know I don't smoke pot. Sharon? Do you smoke pot? No, you couldn't. You wouldn't have insomnia if you did.

Rich: We work at our life without dwelling on others and spending our life on the internet wasting time on others instead of ourselves.

Again... couple hundred screen shots that say otherwise

Rich: My life is not cut and paste. I can form independant thought without the use of a mouse.

Really? Let's see your so-called site/blog. You can't 'cut and paste' SCREEN SHOTS you NIMROD.

Rich: I dont have to use quotes from others or the movies, right or wrong i can think all by myself.

Then why are the questions you're asked in regard to child support the same mantra that all other deadbeat dad sperm donors like you spout off at the mouth about?

Rich: I dont hide behind a blog or a website, maybe i shoul like you and you friend.

No, You hide behind fake names (Gary Demko) on Yahoo, you psychotic stalker.

Rich:I may not hide behind a web site but Kelly and I have one, unlike you and Vanessa MINE WORKS for something other than bad advice or attempting to bash someone.

Oh yeah, Catch The Gator. What a piece of shit that site was. Which last I checked, doesn't work. And that other piece of shit, the “Traffic A La Carte WSO”.... EPIC FAIL.

While you and Vanessa spend time writing junk about others I spend my time working hard For Rachel and Kelly and they benifit and appreciiate it.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! NOT ONE MENTION OF WORKING FOR THE TWO KIDS HE LEFT IN CALIFORNIA AND HAS REFUSED TO EVEN PAY CHILD SUPPORT FOR! HE WORKS FOR HIS SECOND WIFE AND KID, WITH NO REGARD FOR THE FACT THAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK FOR ALL HIS KIDS.

What a pathetic excuse for a man, father, and human being.

Check Out The Artwork For The Store Items!

2010-05-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

This Video is HILARIOUS

2010-05-02T14:54:00.001-07:00

Well, Hello Rich

2010-05-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,
Everyone say hi to my stalker, Richard. He found the videos on ustream and they probably led him to this blog. We seeeeeee you Richard.

Ok, folks, just to let you know, this is the man who, 3 weeks into my relationship with his brother, managed to steal $1,500 from me for some 'mysterious' truck that he was supposed to be buying for my business and bringing to Florida. Blah blah, I'm sick of hearing myself tell the story.

On and on, I loaned this loser $1,500 for a moving truck to come to Florida. He never paid it back. I let him and his wife and kid live in my house for 6 months. They moved out for about 4 months, and then I took them back in again.

Blah blah blah, He is The Deadbeat Dad Coach who has given Mike, my ex, every dirty deadbeat dad tactic in the book that has let him avoid supporting his kids for the past two and a half years.

On top of that, he and his brother stalk me. You can see the crap the brother does by his Yahoo status messages, which I screen capture. Click here to see them. The second albuim of screen captures is HERE! You can't 'cut and paste' a screen capture, as this idiot likes to claim Sharon (his ex wife. We're friends) and I do. He even tried to friend request me on Facebook and when I refused, accused her of listening to only one side. I believe that his status messages speak just fine for him.

However, to further illustrate: He sent Sharon and email telling her to ask him direct questions. So she did. She asked him when he would be paying his child support. 10 or `12 emails later, all we've seen are the ramblings of a sociopath who thinks that 'deflection' actually works. I guess he thinks that if people read these emails, they will never realize that he didn't actually ANSWER the question. He talked about his wife, and his hot tub, and how he owns a house that's not in his name, (hiding assets is a crime and he's just admitted to doing it) and about how my depression stemming from years of abuse at the hands of my own abusive mother and then his abusive mother, is something that somehow makes ME the bad guy.

Oddly, I'm still the one HERE. With my family.

If I was so bad, why didn't Mike fight for custody?

Because he had to go to Iraq.

What about the year before that, when he was home, living with his "Mommy" and not paying child support?

Oh, cause he didn't have a JOB or a place for the boys to live, since Mommy lives in a 55 and over park.

So, this is just another example of how it's ok to USE me for their convenience. Even if I'm soooo incredibly 'insane' that I'm a 'danger to the children', hey, it's ok, cause God knows, Boy Wonder "Mikey" should never be inconvenienced, right?

Even if it were possible to cut and paste scree shots, I also video screen capture, AND, I always have WITNESSES to see his psychotic ramblings. What does he have?

Not a whole hell of a lot.

So everyone, say 'hi' to the stalker for me. And tell him what a scumbag he is.

I'm sure if he tries to comment on this thread, he won't answer the questions, he'll just make accusations about me in order to deflect and 'misdirect.' Let's see where it goes.

And by the way, Rich, you should check out this video, I Pray For You.

Single Mom's Revenge!

2010-05-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been well over six months since I said I was going to overhaul this blog, but I did get a little sidetracked after meeting the man I am finally proud to have my kids call "Daddy." But a new day is dawning, and it's time to take the bull by the horns.

I've been in contact with Deadbeat Dad "Brothers" ex-wife. For those of you who follow this blog, my ex's brother is a "Deadbeat Dad Hall of Famer" and he was the COACH in getting my ex to avoid paying child support for two and a half years so far.

The few months that my ex did pay, however, were immediately met with brother's dissent. No one thinks it's a coincidence that Daddy only started to pay at the exact same time his brother came home from Iraq and started threatening me and stalking me on the Internet again.

The sociopaths knew exactly what they were doing. Pay, but don't sign the birth certificates, this way, demand I send my children to the grandmother to get the money, brother will threaten me and harass me, until I say "ENOUGH" and refuse to let the kids go up there anymore, and then he won't pay again.

They 'think' that no one 'knows' their little 'game plan.'

WRONG!

I've been very lucky to have found Sharon. The brother's ex wife. She lives in California and has an entire site dedicated to child support and resources, but as she and I both know and can tell you, as can many other mothers, getting child support is a JOKE. The agencies are set up to fail at their task. It creates 'job security' for government workers.

Well, we've had enough. We're going to do what no one has ever done before.

Since these losers don't want to help support their kids, we're going to use the story of what they have done to us, to make money.

We'll have coffee cups and t-shirts, tote bags, and books on 'dirty divorce tricks.'

We're going for the jugular. Since society and government has refused to hold men accountable for the children they make, we'll make the Internet world hold them accountable.

We're starting of with a Cafe Press Store for now. We'll be expanding to the books soon. Leave your comments HERE! Tell us what you want!

How about a "Deadbeat Dad" T-shirt with your ex's mug right smack in the middle of a target that says "The only GOOD Deadbeat Dad is a DEAD Deadbeat Dad"

Or A Tote, with an x across his smirking face that purports- "I Upped My Standards- Up Yours"

Give us your ideas, your slogans.

Once the Cafe Press Store is up, we'll be moving on the ebay store. We'll be building a site with a blog soon too. You can tell your stories, especially your very own 'getting even' story, and we'll publish it.

Hell hath no fury like a Momma protecting her cubs!

Next post... The Cafe Press Store Is Open ( I need to get a few graphics together, but maybe tonight or tomorrow.)

9 Phrases That Mom's Use To Research Deadbeat Dads

2010-04-30T02:34:00.001-07:00

how to find a deadbeat dad
deadbeat dad law
deadbeat dad laws
list of deadbeat dads
child support deadbeat dad
deadbeat dad database
report a deadbeat dad

Effects Of Fighting For Your Life As A Single Mom

2010-04-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

When I found myself a 'single mom, NOT by choice,' it was one of those nasty breakups. The kind where the sperm donor cleans out the bank account, takes the only work vehicle, destroying the business that was my liveliehood, and doing everything possible to be sure that the kids got no support from either of us. He just a real scumbag and he did everything possible to hurt me. He had no regard for how he was hurting the kids by his actions to hurt me. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that he was hurting the KIDS, it just fell on deaf eyes are stone cold eyes as though it wasn't even registering. Which is exactly what was happening. His mind doesn't work right. It does not work outside his own thoughts, past his own wants. He's really nothing more than an 'id'. The other parts of his mind simply aren't there to register and comprehend the damage he was causing.

It was a lot to bear and every day was a fight for survival. Financial survival and emotional survival from succumbing to the depression and the grief and the loss and the constant attacks from him. My oldest has suffered the effects.

Suddenly, his home was gone, his family was gone, his father just vanished, not there to kiss him and hold him. His mother, fighting for her life. There was no one to raise the boy. He faced the equivalent of being raised by wolves.

Today, the effects are slapping me in the face. Last night, I had to admit that he often seems almost 'feral.' He seems unable to recognize where he stops and someone else starts. He understands how to 'show love' to manipulate you when he wants something, but when not given his way, he is hateful beyond imagination. The rest of the time, he is mostly 'indifferent.' He does not respond to anything we try to teach him about 'socialization.' He cares nothing for others. He is completely self involved. There is no talking to him. His world does not exist beyond himself and whatever will serve his need for 'immediate gratification' at any given moment. Redirection does not work, trying to talk to him is futile, he isn't 'hearing' us, he is screaming over us about what he wants. There is no capacity for 'reason.'

Today, I am forced to look at the possibilities of cause.

1.) His father is a sociopath. He has the same part of his brain missing that his father does.

2. I failed. While fighting for my life those two years before I met the man who now has lovingly and patiently taken on the role of "Daddy" I missed the most important years of shaping this child's mind and conscience.

3. Behaviors are learned in early, early childhood. He learned his father's behaviors of stomping his feet, and yelling and screaming and bullying until he got his way.

I suspect it's a combination of 2 and 3. Number one, is simply too horrible to imagine. There is no 'cure' for number one. I'm not sure if I can repair the damage done by 2, and 3. His father's actions during the past four years, may have been root causes of both of us turning the boy into a sociopath.

I have no answers. I simply had to write it out today.

Financial Help For Single Mom's, Get Married As Soon As Possible

2010-03-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

The greatest 'financial help for single mom's" tip I can give is to find a new man and get married again as soon as possible. There's been a lot of spouting off on my Facebook wall about Parental Alienation and how the family law courts are all about the money... imagine that. And I'm really pretty sick of hearing the spouting off about 'Father's Rights' and 'Childrens Rights" and "Kids Need Both Parents" from a bunch of people who all have some agenda or another for their 'stance.'

Look folks, here's the facts. Mom makes 50K a year, Dad makes 50K a year. Together they have one mortgage/rent, one electric bill, one water bill. Separate, they have two and only half of the combined income to support both. Even at $500 a month in support for one child, that's $6,000 a year to add to the custodial parents $50,000 and that's only if the custodial parent can even maintain that job, seeing as how now, all responsibilities of missing work for doctors appointments, dentist appointments, illness and other things can force them into a lesser paying job without the demands of a $50,000 a year salary.

The best 'financial help for single moms' is a husband, who contributes his entire income to the home. The lousy $500-$600 a month that some loser who abandoned his children finally pays after 2 years of being a jack ass and refusing to support his kids, can go to stuff like trips to Disney that the deserter misses out on. Child support should definitely be a punishment for scumbags that desert their families. And the ones who desert when the family is most in need, like I was, should be charged with neglect as a CRIME.
I

Support for single moms, A point for the moms team

2010-02-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

For anyone needing a bit of single mom support, the mommy team scored major points in the past few months. So far, not much news to report. As of the 'welfare fraud' investigation from an 'anonymous tip', I've cut off all contact with the idiots. I'm just done. Over it. I've changed my home phone and cell phone numbers, made myself invisible to them on my Yahoo messenger. I can still see them and their status messages though, and I still screen capture every idiotic message that Rich puts out. Dianne mostly is keeping quiet. About 2 and a half weeks ago, she put out a message that said "guess she won't answer the phone for me." I messaged her and asked her if she was directing that comment at me, and she said yes, that she was trying to call to talk to the boys. I told her they were sleeping, and she said 'ok bye.' That was the last conversation I had with her, or any of them.

I've been pretty lucky lately. I found Shane in November of last year, and he is an amazing and honorable man, proud to take on the role of Daddy that the sperm seller abandoned. And just recently, I found a criminal attorney who is going to assist me in stopping the sperm seller and his family's criminal harassment and slander of me. First, he's going to send them a letter telling them that the next time a false police report, DCF report, or CPS report is filed, that he will see to it that they face criminal charges, and that we will sue the shit out of them. I discovered a great deal of legal advice from this man, and in return, I'm going to build him a website with all the bells and whistles for finally giving me some peace of mind.

Furthermore, I Shane and I are still finalizing the marriage plans, and thinking about moving out of the state of Florida. We plan for Shane to petition for adoption of the kids as soon as we get married, so that might put our plans back a bit, but one way or the other, we are moving out of Florida before April of this year.

Reflections on 4 years now past

2010-01-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my son's 4th birthday. All day, I was busy, getting his birthday party ready,seeing family, and waiting to see the look on his face when he discovered his new 4 wheeler! It was a fantastic day for him. The kids from my fiancee's family came to the party and then back to our house and spent the night, after playing with the 4 wheeler and playing games of Twister and the Elephant Game where the elephant shoots butterflies out of his trunk and the kids catch them with butterflies. I finally have the family I dreamed of.
It was late last night, as all the kids finally went to bed, when that realization hit me. And I can tell you, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought back to that early morning 4 years ago, the morning he was born. I had dreams for him, for all of us. Dreams of a happy family, with birthday parties filled with love. Dreams of watching him grow up, learn to play t-ball and soccer, read, love, learn... The dreams I had that day, the promises we made, to our son and to each other.
The next four years,almost, looking back, seem almost surreal now. The postpartum depression, losing everything I had worked 8 years to build, living with my life crumbling down around me, his father leaving us, taking with him, stealing, the so little that was left, which was so much because it was all I had left, and the pain of realizing that he could never have truly loved me, or our son, or our second son, who I was only 2 months pregnant with at the time. No one who loved us, who loved THEM would have left us with nothing, taking away any chance I had to make a living to take care of them, as he did.
The first two years after my son's birth were riddled with fear, and depression. The next two years, were frought with pain and struggle, and the fear and depression. The guilt over my sons having to be raised by a single mother ate me up alive.
And now, it's like I'm waking up from a four year long winter hibernation and it's a new spring, and my world is once again, full of life, and love, and hope. The sun shines once again, and finally, the darkness that shrouded me from the joys of my children, has lifted, and there is happiness again. There will always be the inherent sadness that comes from the fact that I failed them as natural parents go, but I can now hold hope that I've given them an even better option. A Daddy who CHOSE them, instead of one who pretends to love them while hurting them just to hurt their mother and not seeing that that's exactly what he does.

DCF- The Destruction of Children and Families

2010-01-16T19:05:00.000-08:00

oh boy. Well, here we go again. Mike's and his brother motivated only by their desire to hurt me, have once again put my kids and myself in harm's way.

And my beef now, is totally with DCF.

This man abandoned his child and unborn child to a home without electricity. I had to call DCF for state assistance, which didn't get the power back on anyway, and they in turn forced me to file a Domestic Violence Injunction. Then they told ME that I had to get 'counseling' for it, to find out why I 'allowed' it. They didn't tell HIM that HE had to get counseling for it. Oh no, of course not. He has a penis, it gives him the RIGHT to be a scumbag. I forgot.

Over the next two years, his brother harassed me and stalked me on the Internet. His brother even interfered with my ability to make a living by outing a pen name I was using to score ghostwriting jobs to feed the kids. Did DCF, or the USELESS Pasco County Sheriff's Department Care, about the stalking or about a man TRYING to make his child and unborn child STARVE TO DEATH? NOPE. They didn't give a DAMN! He has a penis, a right to be a scumbag.

When the USELESS Child support enforcement people FINALLY got him SERVED, he invoked, the SCRA- The Servicemens Civil Relief Act- a bunch of crap that allows deadbeats to escape many civil cases, including a paternity test.

He offered child support of $150 a week, after almost TWO YEARS of not paying a DIME, (and, as I discovered from the saved text file of the Yahoo instant message between him and his mother on his mother's computer, it was only because he believed it would absolve him of the responsibility for BACK child support for the previous two years) yet made it condidtional on me sending my kids to his mothers for a weekend (blackmail and not allowed), and refused to put anything in writing, which DCF told me on three separate occasions, when I tried to report the income, was REQUIRED for me to get for them.

When I told DCF that he refused to put anything in writing and that he was using child support as 'blackmail', did they do anything about it? Again.. NOPE!

They told me I needed to call child support enforcement. Did child support enforcement pursue this at all? NOPE. I got the same, robotic, pre-programmed responses from they cybernetic organisms that I always do. A bunch of BULLSHIT about how they 'understood' and 'know how frustrating it is...' but NEVER ONCE did they utter the words, 'let's see what we CAN do'.... because they are not there to solve the problem. They are there for a government paycheck...

When this deadbeat dad came home on Iraq from leave, he DEMANDED the children, threatened to withhold child support if I didn't comply, and then filed that FALSE POLICE REPORT about me threatening to commit suicide with a gun that had been stolen 2 months prior (unbeknownst to the moron when he made his report).. and did the Pasco County Sheriff's Office do anything about the FELONY of him making a "FALSE REPORT TO A LEO".... NOPE... AGAIN.. NOT A DAMN THING! He has a penis, he's allowed to be a scumbag. I do not have a penis, if I made a false report about him, I would be facing felony charges.

When his little phone call to the Pasco County Sheriff's Department didn't get him the desired result of having me Baker Acted, he then turned around and called in an "anonymous tip' to the DCF abuse hotline. It may have been 'anonymous' but the report MIRRORED the outlandish claims in the police report, with ONE 'addition.' That my fiancee "hits" my older boy.

I had proof that they threatened to make this 'report' before they even did it. Did DCF even LOOK at the proof? NOPE.

BUT THEN... They took ANOTHER 'anonymous tip' that I was committing 'welfare fraud' and now I get a letter from a DCF Investigator by the name of Kristina Vaz, that says they have DETERMINED... (funny how they DETERMINED anything based on a phone call and without talking to ME first) that I had

***Unreported people living in my house (I can only assume they meant my fiancee who does not live with us)

***Have been self employed and not reported my income. (This was based on a post on my myspace page where I wrote for 'who I'd like to meet' "Tampa Bay Area Business Owneres Who Want To Build Online Businesses." Just because I want to meet them, doesn't mean I have or made money off of it. The fact of the matter is that before the scumbag took me for everything that I had, I was learning Intenret Marketing and most of what I posted anywhere were exercises in trying to hone those skills and hopefully, eventually, with a full time job, a MAN with a SECOND income, and possibly the child support I am OWED, I could actually go back to trying to build a business. In October, I found a job that I could do at home, but I had to start my own corporation for it. So I did. I went through a month of unpaid training to discover that their apps were conflicting with my system, and that made me miss so much time, that I was now not eligible to work again until Feb. 6.

*** Am not living at the address on my application, from August. In August, I was living there. My son needed surgery, and I had to live out of a motel up near Mike's mom while we arranged all of the doctors appointments and care. I also had a huge power bill and had the power to the house cut off at the time, AND when I did return from that trip, found my house DESTROYED.. UNINHABITABLE (this is when the gun was stolen). A friend let me stay at a house she owns while I tried to clean the other house up.

Now, while informing 'Tim Duggan' (Kristina Vaz's supervisor who I had to speak with as she was not returning my call) of all this, he refused to let me finish a sentence, had absolutely NO INTEREST in the fact that it was a FALSE CLAIM and only wanted to know what he could possibly 'discover' as an excuse to end my state assistance...

AND... this P.O.S. had the nerve to act as though my concerns about the 'child support blackmail' were something that I had no right to. He had the STUPIDITY to tell me, 'sometimes it's takes YEARS to get money out of someone's pocket.'

Well, let's see, you let him get away with all he's done, you then decided to disqauliify me for assistance, knowing that he's backed me into corners with his behavior for two years, and now, now.. that he's FINALLY PAYING child support, you support his ability to use it as blackmail, AND you take away the bare necessities that I have to make sure my kids EAT in the event that this scumbag does decide not to pay child support anymore, I now have NOTHING.

And before anyone goes and gets all up in arms about how now that I have a boyfriend, I shouldn't be on state assistance, let me tell you that 1.) until they MAKE pay the child support, I have no guarantee that I will get it each month, and
2.) what I recieved in assistance was $525.oo a month in food stamps, and medical coverage for my kids. That's it. I don't get Section 8 housing, I don't get Cash Assistance, and I sure as Hell don't get any 'support services' from Career Central.

So now, what they have done is once again, allowed Mike to try to 'starve out' my children.

Yes, I'll be ok. I did it without his child support and without food stamps for 2 months when he first walked out. I will do it again. I'm not really upset about losing food stamps. I'm upset that DCF, CSE, the DOR, and the Pasco County Sheriff's Department have all turned a blind eye to what this man has done to my kids and I. Now that I've lost food stamps, if he were to stop paying the child support again, (and if I don't let my kids go to his mothers for a weekend so she can 'program' my son to make more accusations about my fiancee, he will) I could end up right back at square one where I can't afford to feed my kids. This is the life that this despicable scumbag is subjecting his children to. And DCF, CSE, the DOR, and the Pasco County Sheriff's Office don't give a DAMN!

WHO THE HELL DOES?!

BALLS! NERVE! UNBELIEVABLE!

2009-12-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

So the 'genetic template' showed up on December 14, 1 day before the child support payment was due, with no advance notice that he would be home on leave, and demanded the children or he would not pay the child support. Although I was pissed that he is still allowed to treat us this way, at his beck and call, I allowed the children to go. I took them to meet him, and video recorded the entire meeting, where we discussed his and his family's behavior and I made it crystal clear that if I had any bullshit calls from the Sheriff's Office about me being 'suicidal' that I was going to take the kids back.

Lo and behold, the 2nd night he has the boys, the deputies are knocking on my door at 8pm. The claim? "She is very depressed. She's on pills and she has a 9mm in the house and is threatening to kill herself."

#1: My significant other is an EMT! If I was on 'pills', I think he would know.
#2: The 'gun' was stolen in October and I have the police report and the name of the deputy who took it to prove it.
#3: His brother's status message back in November specifically stated: "The state investigator will have a nice Christmas gift for her."

Interestingly enough, although the Sheriff's Office and Child Protective Services have determined that this is all obvious harassment, they still are doing nothing to prosecute these idiots or put a stop to all this nonsense.

Mike's latest lie: When I left there was lights and water in that house. Everything was on and running. (I have video that PROVES he said this.) You can see it here:

These are the facts:

In October of 2007, Mike, our son, the unborn child I was carrying, and myself, lived in a house. His brother and sister in law were also staying with us and the electric was on in Mike's name.

Because I owed a previous bill, the power company would not allow the power to stay on even though it was in a new name and at the end of October, they cut the power to the house. They didn't boot the meter correctly and so we had 'leakage.' The house was in a rolling brownout. We had some power to some parts of the house. Enough for maybe a lamp or two and a tv. Not nearly enough to power the stove, hot water heat or the central heat and air.

He left knowing this and knowing that the power company would correct the problem and we would have no power at all.

For the next two years, he refused to pay 'child support.' Yes, he did give me 'some' money ' here and there' as is accounted for in this blog, but he refused to sign the acknowledgement of paternity to make it 'legal.'

The state of Floridal, child support enforcement and the Department of Revenue (who oversee child support enforcement) in their infinite STUPIDITY, were not doing anything to have him served with a paternity suit.

I was still married to Leo.
He was considered the 'legal father' and CSE would hear absolutely nothing of the biological father until that matter was resolved either by a DNA test or with divorce papers that exclude the children from the marriage.
I told them I we would be getting our divorce as soon as possilbe, BUT
At that time, was NOT told that they would use that as an excuse not to serve him, and I was also not told that the papers had to exclude him as both the biological and legal father.
After a year, when I brought them the divorce papers, and was told that the wording wasn't good enough, I asked two questions.
#1: "Why didn't you tell me what wording you wanted?"
The answer: We can't give you legal advice. (I'd like to know what they thought they were doing when they told me to get the divorce.)
#2: "Why have you not just served my ex-husband, let him take the DNA test and be done with it so that we can move on to going after the real father?"
The answer: "Well, if we 'heard' that you 'might' be getting a divorce, then we won't do anything. We'll just wait."
Heard I 'might' be getting a divorce? They ADVISED me to get the divorce.

Finally, after 18 months of runaround from these incompetent bureaucrats, and phone calls to the executive honchos at the Department of Revenue, the biological father was served. And then he invoked the SCRA. The "Servicemen's Civil Relief Act." The outdated Act from 1949 that protects soldiers and sailors from paternity tests. And off to Iraq, Mike went.

In August of 2009, he offered me $150.00 a week in child support on the condition that I let his mother see the boys. I let her see them, and she did truly seem to be trying to have a relationship with me and them.

Sadly, it was all a lie. An act.

Because she came to visit to get my address, and as soon as Mike was home, and he and or his brother, made their latest falsfied police report she gave them the address (had it wrong though, but my car isn't exactly 'inconspicuous'- little red Mercedes is a bit flashy)

His biggest mistake was making the accusation about me saying I was suicidal and that I had a gun in the house and was threatening to kill myself.

Since the gun was stolen two months ago, I certainly wouldn't have made such a threat. If they lied about that, it would stand to reason, to any REASONABLE person,that the rest was a LIE too.

The biggest problem with these people, is that they have no capacity for REASON.

It has taken two years, but finally, someone came along who wants to be husband to me and father to the two most wonderful boys on the planet and Mike is now losing control. He has two options right now and he doesn't want to do either one.

His first, he can step up, acknowledge paternity, and have to deal with supporting his kids and paying 1/3 of his income, even when he gets home from Iraq and doesn't have a job.

The second, give up all rights to the kids.

Either way, he cannot control me with threats to withhold child support anymore. And when control freaks lose control, they get sloppy. And they make mistakes. They made a HUGE mistake when they told the SO that I was threatening to kill myself with a gun that (they didn't know) was stolen 2 months before they made the call. Now the SO knows they are LIARS and it will all come crumbling down very soon.

Victory is but a moment away. Finally!

2009-12-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

Watch The Video Below

*He admits that he went scuba diving before he even called to see his kids.

*He claims that there was "lights" and running water in the house the day he walked out on us.
[A week earlier, when the electric company cut the power, he called and told them that our house was like a rolling brown out. They told us that their tech had booted the meter wrong and we were getting 'leakage.' He knew it was only a matter of time before they corrected the problem.]

*Watch how his mother constantly interrupts so that the actual discussion can never be resolved.

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/3131382

Can I Make You My Daddy?

2009-12-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

After two long, lonely, grueling years, I've finally found someone worthy of being a member of this family. He is a noble, kind hearted, and caring man who adores me and adores my kids. And we all adore him.
This is wonderful news, which has brought happiness and joy to all of our lives. I am happier. My kids are happier. I feel more secure, more stable, calmer, and I finally feel 'at peace.' And so when my son brought up the 'D' word, first to me alone and then to this wonderful man, it was a lot like being broadsided by a truck.
After only two blissful weeks of real family time together, my older boy said to me "I love him. Maybe I can make him my Daddy." Not knowing how to respond, I just hugged my boy. Two days later, as this amazing man was playing with the kids in a way that only a real "Daddy" can do, my son climbed up on his chest and said "I love you. Can I make you my Daddy?"
Being the gentleman that he is, and not wanting to put too much emphasis on the subject, he asked my son, "what about your other Daddy?" My son, a pragmatist like his mother, very matter of factly stated, "he's in the Army.' As if to say, 'he made his choice, and it wasn't me. If you choose me, then you are the man worthy of the title "Daddy."
Luckily, my son is not quite 4 yet, and so his attention span is pretty short and soon enough, he was off on another tangent, back to bugging his little brother, something as an only child, I don't think I will ever understand.
I sure didn't expect it this soon, but then again, this is a boy whose father was his whole world until he was 22 months old, when 'Dad' ran away from home just as the world fell out from underneath our feet. I was able to see firsthand the turmoil my son had to brave as this coward hid behind a GI Joe costume, pretending to be 'honorable' while his only real motivation for serving in the military was to use it to escape his obligations to the family he made in order to prove something to the family he was born to.
I know my son has looked for "Daddy" for the past two years, not understanding why he wasn't with us. "Daddy's" 'excuses' are 'Daddy's in the army' but the boy must be making the connection that when he is not 'away in Iraq' he's still not here. Readers of this blog know that I make no secret of my feelings about new age psychobabble about not badmouthing the other parent. I don't believe you can allow a child to think well of a parent who abandons the family, and not expect that child to grow up thinking that it would be ok for him to do the same to his family.
I'm very happy that we have finally found someone to become the other 'pillar' of the family, but I'm overjoyed that my son feels that this man is worthy of becoming the "Daddy" the boy has been so longing for during these past two tumultuous years.
HOWEVER... when caught off guard as we were by the boys innocent, and hopeful, question, we both found ourselves at a loss for the right answer. And of course, I've spent the past two days trying to figure out what the right answer is. And I think this is it:

Son, a "Daddy" is the man who stands by his family no matter what. Who is there every night to put you to bed and kiss you goodnight, and there every morning to have breakfast with you and kiss you goodbye for the day. Daddy is there. Always and forever. He will be there for your ballgames and school plays. He plays ball with you in the back yard and does fun stuff for you on weekends. When you think you know a man who fits that description, you have found your Daddy.'

Of course, if my son were a bit older, these explanations would be deeper. Such as:

Son, a "Daddy" is the man who stands by his family, no matter what. Who never misses your games, or any our our birthdays. Who makes sure that Mommy always has a cake on her birthday and that we all celebrate each others lives on birthdays, holidays, and special occassions. A "Daddy" stands by his family, always. And makes sacrifices for the best interest of the family.

Because my sons are so young, they will grow up with the 'example' of the ladder conversation, and the first is simplified to be age appropriate for them. But i think the main thing to remember is to figure out what kind of man you want your son to be, or your daughter to marry, and find those qualities in the mate you search for. This way, when this subject comes up, and your child wants to create a 'daddy' out of the man in your life, you don't have to answer with a yes or no, you can just say 'this is what a Daddy is, and from there,' they get to decide.

Thankful For Our Kids, And Then Some...

2009-11-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

First, of all, Happy Thanksgiving! On this day, we choose to give thanks for various things in our lives and loves, and for Mommies everywhere, the first thanks we give is always for our kids. They bring joy and happiness to our lives in so many ways. But this year, I wanted to think beyond being thankful for my kids and take stock of what else I am thankful for in my life.
Of course, the usual thanks go out to things like home, family, job, significant other, etc. But since I started this blog, I have had the benefit of some serious self analysis and been exposed to some ways of thinking that have brought me through many dark hours and lonely nights. And so, today, I want to delve into those more obscure things that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the time I have had to reflect upon the past few years of my life. Although I had to navigate through some dark and stormy rough seas, I have drunk of the ocean and felt the presence of God through my sails. I now proudly wear the weathered signs of experience and wisdom, knowing that water is calm, and I am centered.

I am thankful for the voice that I have found, trough seemingly endless tribulations, to speak of myself and know me.

I am thankful for the introspection that my journey has given me. I now know my own soul and I have found vision again.

I am thankful that I can feel and be touched. I want love, and I know that I will feel it when it comes to me, and that my heart will be touched by the one who brings it.

I am thankful that I have learned to stop and smell the roses. And that I want to smell of perfume and scents of beauty that I had once forgotten.

I am thankful that I taste. That my appetite is healthy, in many ways, and that I can enjoy partaking of a feast of plenty.

I am thankful that I have peace.

Scaling Fences, The Life Of A Single Mom

2009-11-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

So this morning, I was out in the garage with the baby, looking through some laundry to find something for him to wear. Suddenly, my older boy joins us, closing, and locking I would soon find out, the door behind him. When I went to open and found it locked, I was a none too happy mommy.
So here I am, already dressed for work, in my navy blue tailored trousers and my navy blue and white sweater, and of course, dress shoes, thinking.. "did I unlock the front door this morning?" I open the garage door and make my back to the front door. Locked.
Luckily, every morning, I open the French doors that lead out to the back yard so my kids can go out and play while I make breakfast and pack lunches. The only problem was the 6 foot privacy fence barricade that I would have to overcome.
And so, at 8:30 am, dressed for a power meeting, (which I didn't actually have, but I feel better about my life when I'm dressed as a corporate executive), but barefoot, I scaled a 6 foot, wooden privacy fence as my children stared at me in awe. God, I hope I didn't give them any ideas.

The Paradoxical Life Of A Not So Young Single Mom

2009-11-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

This morning has me confused and bewildered. I came to mommyhood late in life, not having had my first until I was 31. I thought I was ready. I had a successful business, a home, good credit, cars, boat, all the material things that most people sacrifice for the sake of having families young. I had traveled, I had lived. I felt I was worldly and experienced. I thought it was time.

In less than 2 years, my life, and all that made me, well, me... was gone. The money, the cars, the boat, the business, my self respect, my dignity, vanished. And I was pregnant with a second. I was homeless, had nowhere to turn. Knew 'what' to do, but not 'how' to do it. Every obstacle seemed insurmountable, every roadblock, a dead end with no detour.

Over the next two years, I struggled to cope. Financially and emotionally. Most days, I felt as if there were nothing left of me but an empty shell of the woman I used to be. It was like I died but was left to roam the earth a robotic machine, serving the purpose of doing the job of caring for the children that Daddy left behind after he succeeded in destroying me.

Yesterday, I turned 35. My God. 35. I was supposed to be retired to the Caribbean by this age. And yet, here I am, in a rental home, without water right now until I get paid and can come up with a deposit. In a not paid training class for a seasonal work from home job, trying to find freelance work online to come up with some extra money so that all the bills will be paid and there will even be some money for Christmas. Yearning to get my nails and hair done, to look pretty again and feel good enough about myself to find someone to build and share a life with. Longing to be the woman I once was and win back my kids' father's heart.

And I realize.

For all that I had 'lived' in 30 years, prior to having children, I have not yet begun to live. During those rare moments that I can experience even the slightest bit of 'happiness' done vicariously through my children, seeing the world through their eyes, that I realize...
I am naive and untouched in many ways, by many things. And for this I begin to reopen my mind to the possiblities of a new future.

I once believed that you only fail when you stop trying.
I once believed that a true soldier does not admit defeat before the battle
I once believed that anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Somewhere along the lines of the past 5 years, I lost my beliefs. Today, I take them back.
I take them into myself and I harbor them and protect them. I shall nurture them and they shall give me strentgth. I will change my life today. And every day from here on out, I will rebuild the beliefs and once again, be valiant in my efforts to overcome.

I am Mommy.
I am the master of my own destiny
My family is my soul
My sould is my vessel,
And I am the Captain of this ship

Inspiration has come, the muse has been bestowed upon me. I will prevail.

My Forgotten Father

2009-11-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

Today is November 15, 2009 and on Nov 13, it was exactly two years since my boys' Daddy deserted us, leaving us homeless and destitute. I had a roommate for a long time, but for the past month or so, it has just been the boys and me. Last night, a friend decided to tell me how well she thought I was doing on my own. I believe she is trying to 'give' me strength by telling me how strong I am. The power of suggestion, after all, is very strong and I know she wants me to be strong.
I really appreciate how supportive my friend is trying to be, but I pretend that all is fine and I put on a happy face for my kids, even though, inside, I feel empty. I cannot even begin to describe what this is like. I have no joy, as much as I like to act like I do for my kids sake, I can't help but wonder if they don't 'feel' my emptiness. As a child of divorce, I know the hurt and confusion that a child experiences when there is an absent parent.
This is how I felt about my absentee father.

Mom always seemed overwhelmed at the amount of attention I needed, as I now feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention my kids needed. You had no right to abandon me to that life, and my kids Dad no right to do it to our kids either.

I knew when you asked for a paternity test when Mom took you to court for child support. I hate you for playing the "I'm not your child game" just to avoid supporting me while to my face you told me how much you loved me and that my mother wasn't a 'fit' mother. She may not have been a 'fit' mother, but she was a damn sigth better than you. At least she was there.

The way you treated her, the things you did to her, left scars on her soul. I had to live with the repercussion of how your atrocious behavior affected her. She was closed off, cold, distant, distrustful, secretive. I felt like a burden, a dissappointment an intrusion. I know now that she was overwhelmed being a single mother, and I see myself turning into that same person. Although I know I don't want to be that person, the forces of nature are what they are and my emotions are no different than any other mother's emotions when struggling to raise kids alone. You cannot fight Mother Nature and win.

I did without a lot of things. Even when you paid your measly child support, it made nary a dent in the cost of raising me. I always felt like an outsider to my friends because my 'parent' had a single income, doubly restricted by the fact that she was also the only one available to 'raise' me and take time off work for doctors, dentist, sick days, etc, making a 'career' for her nearly impossible. she was stuck in menial jobs that worked around my schedule and this stretched our budget even further.

Our society is not set up to allow one person to raise a child alone. You thought you had no responsibiltiy to me, and I hate you for it. You are gone now, but your crimes live on, and my children suffer the same fate I did.

To my kids dad: This is how your kids will feel too. None of your "I love you, buddy" ies, will cover what you did when you abandoned them. They are smart, they will know the things you've said and the things you've done. You can't 'fake' your heart with words. Your actions speak volumes. They will not accept your 'excuses.' Neither will I, and neither should anyone have to.

Double Standards, Mass Confusion, The Exodus Awaits

2009-11-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I was reading the Dr. Phil newsletter that I subscribe to by email. Of course, I'm a huge fan of Dr. Phil, since, as everyone knows, I like that he can tell it like it is to his 'patients' without the fear of losing the 'paycheck'. The fear which causes therapists in general to mollycoddle everyone and not just force the accountability and responsibility that so many of us "free thinking Americans" have come to decided is meant for everyone but us.

But, enough about therapists, this is not about that food chain. This is about double standards. I've been reading about this 21 year old girl named Alex, who had one baby at 15, and then married a man and had another baby, and is now divorcing the husband and the kids are living with Alex's parents because of some 'contract' the girl signed when she was only 15, stating that she would not live with a man she was not married to. Now, aside from the fact that I take issue with anyone trying to 'coerce' a 15 year old girl into signing such a document in the first place, and aside from the fact that I do not see how in Hell it could be enforceable by law, seeing as how she was only 15 and not of legal age to even enter into a contractual agreeement, I am also taking issue with the fact that anyone would think they had the right to impose and/or enforce such an agreement. I think it's a huge legal blunder to co-habitate without the protection of marriage, but it's not a crime and should never be used against anyone in a custody battle.

But, that's not the point either. My point is this: I've seen tons of people jumping all over this young woman, claiming that she is choosing a 'man' over her son and allowing her son to go live with her parents because she won't give up the boyfriend. Now, I may not agree with her decision, or her choice of boyfriend for that matter, or any number of other things that I see her doing wrong with her life, however, I see something that has irritated the living hell out of me since I was forced, against my will, into single mommyhood, and that is a consensus of people who think it fine to tell this woman that she is not being a good mother. Yet, I find no one, and no one, telling men who walk out on their children, refuse to support them, treat the mommy's like garbage, that they are bad fathers.

Sure, I've heard millions of people SAY it to a crowd of strangers, but I want to see ONE person tell a deadbeat dad, FACE TO FACE, what these people are willing to say to a mother about what it means to be a parent. So to all the 'bloggers' of the world, who want to hide behind a nameless, faceless keyboard screen, I say this

"GROW A PAIR. UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO UNITE AND MARCH UP TO ONE SINGLE SOLITARY, LONE DEADBEAT DAD AND CRITICIZE HIM AS A PARENT, DON'T CRITICIZE THE MOM'S AGAIN, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE SHUT UP!"

/RANT

Donations

2009-11-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

Hi readers,

Ok, so I can no longer live in my home due to 'vandals.' So... I found a rental until I can get the mess in my own house sorted out. I was really lucky today, when I stopped in one of those rent to own places, and found a couch and loveseat for only $58.00 a month for 12 months. Not too bad.

Now, what to do about a bed?

I perish the thought at what these 'criminals' may have done to, or on, my bed.

So, a chat buddy said they would put up $5.00 to help out with my new digs!

So here's the deal.... I'm making a 'donations' button below.

In return for your donation, you can have any or all of my books, 100% free. I don't care if the donation is $1.00 or $100.00 if there's something I have written, or have rights to, that you want... it's yours.

Here's a list of some of the topics I have expertise in:

Single Moms Survival Guide
Overcoming Postpartum Depression
Making money online with blogs
Making money online with videos
Making money online as a ghost writer
Legit Work At Home Jobs

HERE'S THE DONATE BUTTON

Single Mom Dating- The Internet And Boundaries

2009-10-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

As if trying to meet and find the time to date someone isn't hard enough, along comes "Internet Dating." While it seems like an ideal way for two people to learn about each other and get to know each other before investing actual dates, the Internet has removed so many of the traditional boundaries of acceptable courtship, that this single mom has begun to wonder if it's even worth it to bother with the 'online courtship' scene.
I find that guys are very forward when they have the privilege of 'hiding behind a screen.' Though when meeting someond in real life, a guy can 'assess' the bra size, when a 'first chat' session features the question, 'what size bra do you wear?' it gives a girl little hope that this guy is looking for a serious family life, and more the impression that he wants a conquest. I have come across this so many times now, that I have been forced to face the fact that there must be women out there who respond well to this.
Listen, I'm no prude. Not by a long shot. But there are certain rules of decorum where courtship is involved and maybe my sense of traditionalism just keeps me from moving forward with the new evolution of dating. When presented with these very invasive questions, I feel like I'm auditioning for a role in an upcoming porno movie, and not getting to know a potential life partner. Maybe the next time I come across a man so brazen in his questioning I will respond with, "and how much money do you have in the bank?"

To Hope Or Not To Hope

2009-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a crossroads. I want someone in my life. I don't want to subject my kids to a stepfather, or worse, another man who may or may not be there forever. I can't compartmentalize my entire life. That would be fair to no one at all.

The kids deserve a real father figure in their lives. And not this 'part-time' joint custody bullshit that our society has come to accept as 'just fine' for kids. It's not 'just fine.' They deserve to have Mommy AND Daddy to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight every night. They deserve the 'example' of having two parents who love each other, who are committed to each other and who are committed to the promises they make to each other.

I don't know what to do. They deserve that example. I can't MAKE their father come back to the family he wanted so badly that he threatened to leave me if I didn't give it to him. And then left anyway once I did. And I deserve the man he promised to be for me.

I can try to find that with someone else. But it's still a risk that not just I have to take. It's a risk my kids have to take, because the next guy could walk out too. And my kids could lose a gamble that they don't even get to make.

I've put up with a lot of SH*T

2009-10-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

*Sigh. I must admit, I am tired. Exhausted, in fact. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall most days. Trying to take a stand for what I know is right, yet, each day, with every word I utter, I am met with stubborn defiance about the subject of broken families. Despite research that supports my belief that couples need to learn to work out their problems instead of breaking the home, people still insist that it's better for parents to break up than for the kids to see them fighting.

A prominent psychologist has done a 25 year land mark study to observe the effects of divorce on children. Judith Wallerstein followed 131 families for 25 years and observed the effects of divorce on children from toddler age all the way through adulthood. I've not only had to listen to my own beliefs on this matter be ridiculed and argued with, even with this substantial evidence provided by a professional, I am met with remarks like "that psychologist is an idiot," and other such disparaging remarks.

I cannot understand why so many people are what I would call 'quitters.' Not happy? Just get split up. The kids will get over it. It's better than seeing you fight or be unhappy.

BULLSHIT!

One of the biggest things I cannot get over is the parents who are divorced but were not children of divorce. They think their children are turning out just fine, when they really have no idea at all what their children really truly feel inside. These are the worst, because I was a child of divorce. I know what I felt, and I know what my children are feeling.

Yet, with more and more evidence and studies supporting my beliefs, I still find that people will 'disregard' the proof with deflective statements such as "that psychologist is an idiot."

I want to unite all of the people who hold my beliefs in high regard and harness the power of many to bring about change, but I am so tired.

When does it END?

2009-10-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

When we last left the ongoing saga of 'As The Stomach Turns- The Story of the Deadbeat Dad" his mother and I had supposedly agreed that she could 'see' the kids. Now suddenly, it's 'the weekend.' And if I don't let her have them for the whole weekend, she won't see them at all, and he won't pay child support.

I let her have them plenty during the month that we were up there, but that was before Mike's (sperm seller's) brother came home and started to STALK me again.

First she says that he knows he is not allowed there and that he will respect her wishes.

But when I tell her that he has no respect for anyone or anything, she tells me "he would never hurt those boys."

When I remind her that he:

Stole from me
$1,500
$1,400
$350
$850

AND DESTROYED MY FAMILY....

She starts talking about how 'everyone' said that I was just 'using' her to get Mike to get a good surgeon for my boy and for her to 'babysit.'

First off- should I ever HAD to 'pretend' to care about her to 'use' her to get her son to pay support? Seems to me that once again, I was blackmailed into giving them what they want to get what was rightfully mine. Who is using who here?

Second,- after everything she said and did to me and my kids, does she really think I trust her and WANT my kids to see her? I don't want my kids near her at all but he refuses to pay child support unless I let her see them.

I have no choice but to agree to let her 'see' them, but I don't need to let her take my kids, 2 hours from home to a place where she says "Rich won't come here" "He won't hurt those boys."

This is why Deadbeat Dads exist. Because of mothers like this.

The Sleeper Effect- The Price Children Pay For Divorce

2009-09-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

The Divorce Resource Center Has Some GREAT ARTICLES which gave me a lot of insight as to how we got to where we are about 'family values' in today's society.

The Sleeper Effect - The Price Children Pay for Divorce

Newsweek 10/2/00 By John Leo

The sleeper effect: A new book ups the price that children pay for divorce

A startling thought is occurring to the folks who study the impact of divorce on children: A good divorce may be much worse than a bad marriage.

The conventional wisdom that followed the rapid spread of divorce in the 1970s and 1980s that children are resilient and usually overcome the shock of divorce has been mugged by a brutal gang of facts

. Some children cope well and thrive.

But taken as a group, the children of divorce are at serious risk.

For a decade now, the evidence has piled up. Children of divorce are more depressed and aggressive toward parents and teachers than are youngsters from intact families.

They are much more likely to develop mental and emotional disorders later in life.
They start sexual activity earlier,
have more children out of wedlock,
are less likely to marry, and if they do marry,
are more likely to divorce.
They are likelier to abuse drugs, turn to crime, and commit suicide.

One study shows that the children of divorce, when they grow up, are significantly less likely than adults from intact families to think they ought to help support their parents in old age. This is an indication that resentments do not fade and that the divorce boom could create disruption between generations. A report in June from the Heritage Foundation began: "American society may have erased the stigma that once accompanied divorce, but it can no longer ignore its massive effects."

Now this discussion among researchers and policy experts is becoming part of the national conversation thanks to Judith Wallerstein and her important new book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. The "unexpected" part is that divorce produces "sleeper effects," deep and long-term emotional problems that arise only when the children enter early adulthood and begin to confront issues of romance and marriage. The "powerful ghosts" of their parents' experience rise only in later life, Wallerstein told a seminar in New York City last week.

Sense of dread.

Wallerstein is a psychologist who has been studying 131 children of divorce since 1971, interviewing them intensively at different stages of life. Now these children are ages 28 through 43, and the news about them is not good. Their parents' divorce hangs like a cloud over their lives. Compared with similar grown children from intact families in the same neighborhood, the children of divorce were more erratic and self-defeating. Some sought out unreliable partners or dull ones who at least would never leave. Others ran from conflict or avoided relationships entirely. Expecting disaster, they often worked to create it. Some grew up to achieve success in work and romance, Wallerstein says, BUT even they are filled with a sense of dread and foreboding that it could all collapse at any moment, like the intact home they once had.

Wallerstein's work undercuts the notion that divorce saves children by eliminating the open conflict of parents.

She finds that kids generally tune out their parents' bitter quarrels and aren't much bothered by them.

They don't much care whether their parents like each other or sleep in different beds. A cordial divorce doesn't help. The children just need parents to stay together. Wallerstein says that

the loss of the powerful mental image of the intact family inflicts the crucial harm. The damage is compounded by the loss of attention from frazzled parents trying to rebuild their lives.

She has her critics. Her sample is small and not necessarily representative, drawn entirely from an upscale neighborhood in Marin County, Calif. But she has reached deeper into the psyche of children of divorce over a longer period of time than any other psychologist, and her fellow researchers seem to be leaning her way. Her most strident critic, sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University, now acknowledges that divorce has significant long-term negative effects on children. David Blankenhorn, head of the Institute for American Values, calls this a sign of "the shift"a major turnaround in thinking about divorce.

Part of the shift is the growing realization that divorce is more widespread than it needs to be. In their book, A Generation at Risk, researchers Paul Amato and Alan Booth report that 70 percent of American divorces are occurring in "low-conflict" marriages. In the study of some 2,000 married people, just 30 percent of divorcing spouses reported more than two serious quarrels in a month, and only 25 percent said they disagreed "often" or "very often." So three quarters of divorcing couples don't say they quarrel often or even disagree much.

Even bad marriages are likely to improve, according to sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago. Analyzing data from the National Survey of Families and Households, Waite found that 86 percent of people who said they were in bad marriages, but who decided to stick it out, said five years later that their marriages had turned around and were now happier. Sixty percent said their marriages were "very happy."

"Bad marriage is nowhere near as permanent a condition as we sometimes assume," Waite says in her new book, The Case for Marriage.

Considering what we now know about the impact of divorce on children, that should give many divorce-minded couples some second thoughts.

A Quiet Reflection On "Family Values"

2009-09-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who lives in Egypt who is a muslim. He was in love with a Christian girl,I' and though his family nearly disowned him for it, he abandoned his belief system to be with this girl, and even lived with her outside of marriage. He says he gave her everything and did everything for her and still she left him. We had a deep conversation about how to cope with this kind of 'grief' and trying to counsel him, especially after yesterday's post about the effects of divorce on children, I found much insight. I would like to share this insight.

Because I went against my own families 'value systems' to be with Mike, they shunned me, and when he left, there was now no Mike AND no family. And I found myself all alone.

Love is NOT the 'romantic' stuff you see in movies and on TV. Love is a 'decision' you make

But we live in a world where people have forgotten that

Up until about the last 100 years or so, 'marriage' was about the merger and protection of assets, and procreation. The larger the family, the bettter the family's chance of survival

This is why marriages were 'arranged' and arranged by 'class'

I was definitely in the 'elitist' class, and Mike was 'the boy from the wrong side of the tracks"

But I was not 'born' into the 'elitist' class. I worked to get there, something that until the creation of the United States, was not possible

This has it's good points and it's bad points.

Had I not been able to 'climb' out of the poverty I was born to, I would have been in the same social class as Mike was and still is

But, because in the US we CAN do that, I believed that because I did, he COULD

But he could not. He was raised 'white trash' and he will always be 'white trash'

Because children emulate what they see

And in the US, if you do not climb out of the 'lower class life' it's because you do not want to. Anyone CAN. But the reasons people 'don't' are generally centered on how they were 'raised'. And when you are raised by people who 'accept' their lot in life, and who think that if you are 'successful' you must be a 'bad' person, it's difficult to overcome that.and in the US, if you do not climb out of the 'lower class life' it's because you do not want to. Anyone CAN. But the reasons people 'don't' are generally centered on how they were 'raised'. And when you are raised by people who 'accept' their lot in life, and who think that if you are 'successful' you must be a 'bad' person, it's difficult to overcome that.

These people will use these 'beliefs' as excuses to be 'irresponsible', such as not paying thier bills, letting their driver licenses get suspended and walking out on their families.

Right now, Mike is fighting in Iraq for my 'freedom'. Yet, he felt no obligation to fight for our 'family.'

If I had it to do all over again, I would have remained married to the man who was of my social class and level of education.

Marriage and procreation are our 'responsibilites' to God and to society. It is best not to put ourselves, and our children, in the danger zone of failing that goal.

Their dad did not just 'leave' me. He left me broke, my life in shambles, pregnant and facing a terrible illenss, and homeless, with no support system (which he KNEW)

The last 2 years of my life have been Hell.

Some days, I think God is punishing me.

But then I think, 'but He gave me these 2 beautiful little boy angels' and if He wanted me to be 'punished' he would not have given them to me, and so He must have some plan. Maybe they are my chance for redemption and salvation. I do not know.

I am not alone in my fight

2009-09-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

I found this today, and it brought tears to my eyes. As a child of divorce, and a mom who has been left by my kids dad, I have seen and felt what this article describes.

http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/childrens-side.htm

The Children's Side Of Divorce: Some Surprising Conclusions

By MARY JO KOCHAKIAN

The Hartford Courant - September 04, 2000

People think there are two sides to a divorce - his and hers, writes researcher Judith Wallerstein.

The most shocking version of the story comes from outsiders, though: the children.

Page after page of the new, anticipated book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce'' reveals that adults have no idea what divorce is to children.

For this report, Wallerstein interviewed people from 131 families whom she first met in the 1970s as little kids in Marin County, Calif., whose parents divorced. Wallerstein began a long-term study of the effects of divorce in 1971.

Now these people have stories to tell, and what they say rages against conventional wisdom.

"The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce'' by Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee (Hyperion, $24.95) tells us that:

If parents have an unhappy marriage, that is not necessarily a big problem for children.

While adults consider divorce a solution, children think divorce is the cause of the misery that follows. And children always place blame for a divorce, although they will not admit it to their parents.

The idea that everything will be fine if ex-spouses can avoid fighting is just so much dreaming.

Even when divorce ends a violent, abusive marriage, younger children don't get it.

For children who are not yet adolescents, which means most children of divorce, since demographers tell us that 80 percent of divorces occur by the ninth year of marriage - splitting the family to solve family problems makes no sense of at all. Few children are aware that their parents are suffering.

Even if they have seen one or both of their parents crying or yelling or hitting, they do not make the connection between the parents' behavior and the breakup of the marriage. ... such a connection is an abstract idea far beyond their ability to understand,'' the authors write.

Yet parents expect kids will understand, and that they will adjust. And why not? That's the standard line. So many kids have divorced parents now that it's not a big deal; children are really resilient; if the parents are miserable, the kids are going to be miserable.

Instead, the authors find that while divorce often improves life for at least one parent, it is at the cost of the children's happiness.

We read of one misery after another. Among them:

Divorce diminishes the father. Typically, time is short. "Even more important, as the child gets older, the symbolic significance of the divorced father changes. He's no longer the commanding presence in his child's life - the loving, protective figure who makes sure everyone is cared for. Because he's no longer responsible for the welfare of the household, his image inevitably diminishes. Daddy may be good company or a bore, he may be loved or resented, but he has lost his big job.''

Many of the children are angry at their fathers and report that they are unlikely to help them in old age.

The children have fewer opportunities.

Wallerstein writes that she was horrified to find that children whose parents divorced often were not provided with financial help for a college education, even though it was within the family means. The father, providing support until age 18, felt he had met his obligation. And that was that. ("An intolerable injustice,'' Wallerstein writes. "The children will never forgive their parents for this betrayal, nor should they.'')

Unhappy as the children were while young, the worst was yet to come. "It's in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most. The impact of divorce hits them most cruelly as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy and commitment. Their lack of inner images of a man and a woman in a stable relationship and their memories of their parents' failure to sustain the marriage badly hobbles their search, leading them to heartbreak and even despair.''

Some of her subjects manage to get it right, after long struggles.

"Larry,'' who as a teenager attacked his mother, eventually realizes his abusive father is a creep - and works like a dog to not be like the old man.

"Karen,'' who as a girl was caretaker to her mother and siblings, decides she's done enough, furthers her career and cannot really believe it when she ends up with a kind husband and a baby girl. If there is a quarrel, she panics that her husband will abandon her.

Certainly there is a lot of marital misery among couples who decide to stick it out. Are their kids any better off than the kids whose parents split up?

For her 25-year follow-up, Wallerstein interviewed a comparison group of adults - people who grew up alongside the children in her study but whose parents stayed together.

Children from the somewhat unhappy marriages had escape hatches. They could spend their time with friends, in school activities or playing sports. Kids in joint-custody arrangements often didn't have that freedom.

If the parents kept the marriage afloat, the kids had a support system. The children were fed regularly, they were looked after and were able to spend time with their parents.

Children whose parents divorced often were lonely, left to care for themselves and suffered a drastic loss in nurturing when mothers became overwhelmed single parents.

Children whose parents stayed together at least had some idea of what marriage requires - work, commitment, patience. They also viewed their parents as a couple.

This is precisely what made young adulthood so tough for people whose parents divorced. They lacked that example. The conclusion: Even if their parents' marriages were pretty unhappy, those kids did better - as long as parents continued to take care of them.

The book has an answer to the question that dogs so many people: Should I get divorced? "This finding speaks directly to parents who are thinking about divorce. Are your children doing well despite your unhappiness?''

What a difference this is from the gotta-be-me ethos of the '70s.

Who Is More Afraid Of A Thief Than A Thief?

2009-09-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

I almost don't even want to tell the story. Beyond the anger, is an inherent sadness that has left me feeling depleted. If you've followed this blog, and know my story, you know that my kids' 'sperm seller' was the love of my life. When I first met him, his mother adored me, but when I ran out of money, things changed. She now supported his decision to abandon our family. She knew that my son and I had no electricity in our house and that I was broke and pregnant. She also knew that both of her sons were stealing from me.

Now, after about a month of spending time with her, and having her watch the boys for me every day, the time for my older boys' surgery has been scheduled. It is 6 days from now, and I've run out of money to keep paying for this motel I've been staying at in order to be close to her until this surgery is over. My roommate has been here with me, and though I have my issues with her work ethic and attitude, she never stole from me, and she was there the day my second baby was born. She was the very first person to have ever held that baby and she has taken care of him since that day.

I told Dianne, Mike's mother, that we found a place to stay and that we have to leave Monday. She asked me then, who was going to take care of the baby when the older boy has his surgery. I told her that I would ask a friend to watch the dog for a couple of days, and that my roommate, the kids, and I would stay with her and my roommate could watch the baby while we took the older boy for his surgery.

Dianne said she didn't want my roommate staying at her house alone. Now, this is the woman who HARBORED, hid, and lied about, MY STOLEN PROPERTY. My property that her sons STOLE from me, and she is worried about my roommate being alone in HER house? Is she afraid my roommate will steal back all MY stolen items?

I really thought that she was making an effort to be a 'family' to my kids, but I can see now, this is an act. I haven't specified what the 'ulterior motive' is here yet, but I have my ideas, and I'm sure that no good will come of her actions as of late. It still makes me angry, but I think my grieving process is now turning to despair. Despair for the fact that things will never change.

She can't see the forest because there are too many trees in the way

2009-09-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I talked about the woman I took in who wound up causing me 10 days of grief and other issues I am still dealing with today. I took her in because she was the 'friend' of the roommate I already had, who was a major cause of the problems with the new one. You see, for over a year, roommate #1, lived with me and refused to work. We would get writing jobs online, and getting her to do them was like pulling teeth. She wound up doing a couple, here and there, but for the most part, she spent her time on wannabe detective forums, twitter and Facebook.

When we couldn't pay our electric bill last month, we rented a motel room and for $200 a week, had all the utilities and Internet access to do our job.

We talked about moving to another area and even looked at a few houses, but the fact is, my house is in foreclosure. Right now, I'm living rent free and we're both about to start a new job that will pay each of us almost $500 a week and can be done from home. If we move, we'll be adding another $1,000 a month onto our BILLS, and if we STAY, we'll save $1,000 a month. And in 3-4 months, have not only the money to move, but be established in the job long enough to know we're secure and that our paychecks are secure too.

Although, economically, this makes the most sense, she refuses to respond to LOGIC and simply DEMANDS that she will not move back into MY house.

Look, the fact is, the woman is 50 years old. Getting a 'job' at her age is going to be hard to do. Add to that that she has a piss poor demeanor that comes across in her body language and in the way she talks, and no one is going to hire her.

Every time things got tight with the bills, I would remind her that we needed to buckle down and get some work done. God forbid, however, that I interrupt her twittering and Facebook time to remind her we have deadlines. If I do that, I'm trying to 'control' her. She will say she doesn't want to do 'this kind of work' yet will do nothing else to earn an income either.

Now, after two years of being a struggling single mom, barely keeping the bills paid from freelance work on the Internet, the Deadbeat Dad is finally paying child support, and I am going to have a steady job, that I can work at home, with a steady PAYCHECK, and she wants to throw away the one last opportunity we have to bank some cash so that we will have a cushion and never have to be in this position again, over a couple more months of living in a house where we don't have to pay rent.

And as an added thought: She has had no problem sticking me with 100% of the BILLS of MY house with NO RENT, and now, I'm supposed to risk getting stuck with another $1,000 a month in rent that she may stick me with. I suppose she thinks that since we'll be 'renting' from a 'landlord' she shouldn't have to pay him or her rent either, because after all, it's THEIR house.

GRRR.... I tried to explain it 'logically' but all I get in response to 'logic' is "I'm not going back to that house. I'm NOT. I would rather go live on the streets than go back to YOUR house."

The smell of the scheme is getting stronger

2009-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, folks. The "Deadbeat Dad" in question, now is offering $150.00 a week in child support, plus, he conveniently has $2,498.00 just 'lying around' to pay for our sons dental care. Now, I have medical coverage that will cover the baby's dental work, but he doesn't want our son to have a 'welfare' doctor, and of course, it's going to cut into the child support he's agreed to give me by $150.00 this month.

And of course, the mother who thought it was ok for him to leave me, thinks I should somehow be 'grateful' that he's willing to do this since she seems to think that I should be responsible for 50% of the cost of his dental work, despite the fact that I have insurance.

Rather than let me use my insurance and actually pay ME the money he has owed me for two years in child support (and that's not counting paying me back for all the money he and his brother stole from me) he will pay it to a dentist and have an excuse not to pay the chid support he just agreed to.

Want to really add insult to injury? First, he still has put NOTHING in writing saying that he is 'agreeing' to pay child support, and second, he refuses to discuss the situation with ME. He seems to think it's acceptable that I allow his mother to be the 'mediator.'

The mother who raised one son to steal from the other's girlfriend, and her second son to leave his girlfriend over the fact that she refused to let the brother keep doing it. Oh yeah.. she's a great one to be 'impartial' here, right?

This dentist can't put our son under a general anastesia. Only a twilight. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, but Daddy Dearest has said (through his Mommy of course) that he will not help with the bill if I don't go to THIS doctor, and that he will not pay child support unless I do it HIS way.

Does anyone besides me wonder if his refusal to communicate WITH ME is because he doesn't want me to have a written record of his bullying?

Obama needs to make a grant for single mom's to have real lawyers for deadbeat dads. Instead of the useless child support enforcement agencies that have let him get away with it for TWO YEARS!

An Evening With The Deadbeats Mother

2009-09-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago, as you may recall, I spoke with my kid's paternal grandmother. I told her that the boys needed medical coverage and that I would like to know what their father planned to do about it. She replied he wanted to contact me through my email and discuss a few things with me. I was very hesitant and made my feelings on the matter known to her. After all, the last time a member of his family said he wanted to contact me, it was his psychotic brother, Richard, who said that Daddy Dearest was going to call me at 4pm the next day. Promptly at 4pm, one of my useless Barney Fife Sherriffs Deputies arrived at my house to inform me that they had recieved a call that I was 'suicidal.'
I began talking with Mike's mother over the next few weeks and lo and behold, Mike has still not made contact. After a few weeks, I told her I came up short of my bill money this month and to ask him to send me some money. He agreed to give me $500.00. So I went to meet her, at which time I was blackmailed, as usual, with "If you want another $200.00 on the first, you have to make arrangements to start letting me see the kids."
I told her that I have never stopped her from seeing the boys, but she lives 2 hours from my house and that my car, running on 3 cylinders, with a bald tire, and 1 missing headlight, really couldn't make the trip. (On Halloween 2008, I drove the kids to his house to see him, and got a flat on the way up, and a flat on the way back, and he picked up the boys but left the mother of his children stranded on the side of an Interstate Highway... great guy, huh?)
Now, it's no secret that I didn't want the split. I had our first child because he threatened to leave me if I didn't, and I had our second child because he was leaving me and a sibling would be the only family my older boy would ever know should something happen to me. I see red when I hear people complain about 'justice for dads,' because when the man wants to end it, he is permitted to walk away and no one will say to him, "how can you leave your children?" But God forbid a mother walks out, then the whole world will ask her, "how could you leave your children?"

Is Your Break Up Making Your Kids Fat?

2009-09-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

We all know that break ups can be devastating to us in many ways. It's no secret that for us women, weight can is a major break up pitfall. But something occured to me today about the financial devastation of a break up or divorce possibly being the cause of overweight kids. I'm not even talking about the 'emotional overeating that an adult woman engages in after a split,' I'm talking about the financial problems that can cause unhealthy weight gain in kids.
Right now, I'm visiting my kids fathers mother. I'm staying at a nearby motel and she's seeing them during the day. She has a pool in her community and last night, we took the kids swimming. Since my motel doesn't have a pool, I thought maybe that she and I taking the kids swimming would be good for them. Today however, it's raining and there doesn't seem to be a lot of chance of it letting up in time to take them for a dip.
I don't want to dissappoint my boy, so I said 'maybe I can make it up to him.' Now, having very little money, due to the financial devastation of being a single mom without the full time income of a Dad, there's not a lot I can do. Food is about the only 'affordable luxury' we have. And so, the first thought I had was 'banana splits and a movie.'
I started to think about how often I will use food to comfort my babies because it's about the only thing I can afford. Maybe 'weight gain due to break up has more victims than anyone ever thought before.' Hopefully, someone will read this and think, "maybe it is better for my kids if we get some counseling and try to work out our relationship and fall in love again."

And so...

2009-09-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

Strange things are afoot. The boys fathers mother has kept his word to pay child support and now says he is going to pay me $150.00 a week and give the kids medical coverage. This is wonderful for me, if I knew what he was up to. Let's face it, we're talking about a family where the brother ripped me off for over $3,000, he left me homeless while carrying our second and caring for our first, stole my truck so I couldn't make a living and stole everything else I owned as well.

I brought the kids to her house for a visit, and lo and behold, the stereo that I reported in the police report I made about the 'burglary' to my house, is sitting right in his mother's living room. She claims she has no idea where it came from. "Michael brought it home," she lies.

As far as him communicating with me, he never has, and only today was I told, by his mother, that, he thinks it's better this way, with he and I communicating through her because we fight. Awww... too damn bad. When we fight, this is why:

Vanessa: Mike, when are you going to put your name on the kids birth certificates?
Mike: When I have a job
Vanessa: Why?
Mike: Because I don't want to get served with papers to pay child support when I don't have a job
Vanessa: Do you think your kids only need to eat when you have a job?
Mike: F**K YOU! YOU F**KING B**CH... (CLICK, Hangs up.)

Now, Dianne has excused Mike's abandonment of our family by saying that the baby didn't need to see us fighting. She's never stopped to tell Mike that he needed to stop fighting, that he shouldn't have allowed his brother to do the things that were causing the fights, that he needed to get a job and take care of his family. Nope. She has never once acknowledged the 'cause' of the fighting or how it should be solved. She's very typical of any irresponsible adult, run away from the symptom and ignore the cause. To her, it's ok to abandon your responsibilities to escape the symptom, and you never have to face the cause.

That type of belief system is the reason my kids don't have a "Daddy." Of course I'm glad he's now paying support and giving them medical coverage. But even with them, I am still 100% responsible for the daily care of those children and 90% financially responsible for those children. Plus, I am owed almost 2 years in back child support, and I am owed more respect than these games he plays.

He abandoned his family. I'm still here.

You leave, You lose

2009-08-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

Even though the new site is up, I haven't reorganize this one yet, but I've decided to keep this site up so that I can post here stuff that doesn't 'fit' with the other site. I talked on the phone with a friend last night whose daughter is dating a man who has a child from a former relationship. She was telling me that he has 50% custody of his son, and still pays $450 a month in child support. She was telling me how hard a time her daughter and this man are having because he has to pay $450 a month even though he has 50/50 custody and that he needs to go to court to have it readjusted because he doesn't make enough money.
The conversation got quite a bit heated, because I don't understand how anyone, especially a mother, can think that it's fair that child support goes by 'income.' I don't care how much money he 'makes' and his 'new life' or new 'family.' Your children really deserve 100% of YOU and your income and of BOTH PARENTS. I know it's become common place for people to think that it's better for children to be raised by a single parent than in an 'unhappy' home. The problem is, people have forgotten that you have to MAKE the home a happy home.
The whining majority of the "I deserve to be happy" claimants has begun to make the human race, or at least the US population, a bunch of spoiled little brats who keep looking for the greener grass on the other side. There's no loyalty to the family and no working to make the home and the family happy. Everyone says it's ok to leave these innocent children so people can pursue their 'happiness.'
I say, 'get the Hell over it.' Grow up. Love is a DECISION. It isn't always perfect. Marriages, relationships, can go through long periods of strain, but it's the grown ups of the world who work to find the happiness again, and it's the spoiled brats who run off and then complain about their support payments being too much, and that there is nothing left for the supporter to live on.
Now, you would have to be a complete idiot to think that 50/50 joint custody arrangements weren't brought on by men as an excuse to not have to pay child support. Of course, men have stated that they want to be 'present' in their child's life, but then, inevitably, they or the lawyers will decide to use it to request that no support be paid, so it makes the argument pretty weak.
I'm sure there are men who do want to be part of their children's lives. Just as I'm sure there are women who want out of the relationship. But the current child support and custody arrangements are unfair to the children when they are based on income or based on no support at all. All this does is cost the children a quality of life in two separate homes. A lot of this is can be put on 'no fault divorce,' children born outside of the covenanat of marriage, and this ridiculous spoiled brat mentality that it's ok to leave your family because you're not happy. Get over it. Get some counseling, stay together and give your kids the benefit of two parents, two incomes, and the example of what it means to be committed to your family. And if you insist on walking out, you leave, you lose. You pay 50% of the cost of raising the child, and do 50% of the raising of the child too. Then, you're a parent.

Their father starts the blackmail again

2009-08-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go. I was a bit short on the bills this month, so I called their father's mother to ask her if she can get hold of him to tell him I need money. At first she said she talked to him a couple of days ago, but within two minutes, she magically had him online on Yahoo msgr and told me that he said if I give her my kids birth certificates and social security numbers that she can give me $500.00 of his money.

No one wants me to give her their birth certificates and social security numbers, everyone thinks that they want to use them against me somehow. I don't know what to do.

Where's the mediator for this? I have no communication with their father, I have to talk to him about our kids through his drunken troll of a mother, who supported his decision to treat the mother of his child like his personal atm machine until the cash register ran out of money, and then told him to just 'leave it on the side of the road.' Like it, and his child and unborn child were nothing.

Does anyone have any idea what I'm supposed to do in this situation?

Free Single Moms Tips

2009-08-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

Here are some free single moms tips I thought I would share.

Don't let anyone to tell you what's best, bad, right or wrong for your family. You know your kids better than anyone, and you know what you want for them, follow your heart, this is your family.

No matter what, how bad things are, how hard they are, how tough they are, your children don't know, all they know is they want your love. If this means you have to let them sleep in your bed in with you at night, by all means, let them.

Spend more time enjoying them and less time, 'raising' them. I promise you this, you are not going to be lying on your deathbed one day, thinking back on your life thinking, I wish my son would have cleaned up his room more, or my daughter would have put her shoes away every day.

Taking care of kids isn't supposed to be a 'job.' It's supposed to be fun.

Financial Help For Single Mom's- The Perils Of Helping Someone Else By Taking In A Roommate

2009-08-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here's one for the books on single mom-dom. In my book, "The Single Mother's Survival Guide" I suggest taking in a roommate to help out with the bills, household chores and overall general home life that requires constant nurturing. Taking on a roommate can be a Godsend, but only if it's the right roommate. The wrong roommate can send you down in a fiery pit of flames faster than an Indy stock car on a wet track with bald tires. Here's the 'horror story' of my two roommates and what I plan to do to rectify the situation.
My first roommate, whom I'll call, Jean, moved in with me very shortly after I found myself a destitute single mom with nowhere to live. By the time I met Jean, I had managed to put my son and I in a very small 1 bedroom apartment, and I was pregnant with my second. I met Jean at the public library where she told me that she was living in her car. I told her she could come and stay with me, but that I was a struggling single Mom and couldn't afford to have another adult living with unless she got a job. I knew someone who was hiring and she did do the job, but this guy wound up screwing us both out of our pay, for which I promptly got the blame.
After that, we agreed to start a small online business together and for the better part of a year and a half, it's how we survived. Of course, we didn't make enough to pay all of our bills, and I was still begging and borrowing to make ends meet, but at least we weren't facing total homelessness as we were in the beginning. Of course, as with any partnership, there's always a feeling of one doing more than the other and bitterness can ensue, and it did.
But then, something happened. It turned out that one of her friends was homeless, living in a car, with a teenager, in another state 1,000 miles away. I said if she could get the gas money to drive down to us, she could come and stay with us. I probably should have given this a lot more thought before I opened my mouth, but the words were out and she was going to hold me to them. So, I did what I could to raise some extra cash and we sent the friend bus tickets for her and her son.
Now, I don't know about you, but if a single mother of two small children went out of her way to open her home to me, I would be stepping up saying, "listen, I don't have a job right now, but I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you keep your household running." I guess manners like that are lost on people who think the world owes them a living, because when I asked her to learn how to do a few simple things to help out with the work I do to keep the house running, this woman had the nerve to say to me, "Well, do you want to teach me to do this for myself, or do you want me to work for you? Because I can tell you right now that I'm not interested in working for you."
I'm sorry.... whaaaat? I don't think I quite heard that right. And so, while taking in a roommate might be a big financial help to a struggling single mom, if the roommate is in need of 'help' herself, be sure she already has a job that she's been at for a while and can contribute a weekly rental amount to the house. Be sure the 'help' she needs isn't the 'help' of 'enabling her to sit on her proverbial ass playing on the Internet all day while you work to keep the lights and water on. If the 'help' your prospective roommate needs consists of letting her sit around because 'the world owes her a living' RUN. I'm not kidding! Run like Hell!

Getting Ready To Say GoodBye

2009-08-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a hard post for me to write. Once I finish the new site, this one is going to have a whole new look, and most of these 'deadbeat dad' type posts are going to be moved to the bottom probably many pages back in this blog. I have come to the realization that this blog is supposed to be about 'financial help for single moms' and it's become mostly about deadbeat dads, military deadbeat dads, and child support and the ridiculous farce that 'child support enforcement agencies' have become. But in spite of what this blog has 'become' as opposed to what it's 'supposed to be' I still hold strong to the belief that the BEST 'financial help for single mom's' is the two-parent home.

Tomorrow, I will post the link to the brand new 'financial help for single mom's blog.' It will have it's own 'child support' and 'deadbeat dad's sections, but the bulk of the body of the site is going to be devoted to helping single mom's find ways to make those 'financial ends' meet. I'm planning on including some awesome resources on the new site, including a forum for every one of the 50 US States, to help let single mom's know of every single resource and support service available to them no matter what state they live in.

Financial help for single mom's comes in many forms. From financial assistance, to work at home jobs, child support and other legal matters, to home based business opportunities and grants for school, single mom's need all the help they can get. I aim to make my new site serve as the top resource for single moms who need financial assistance to be able to raise healthy, happy, and whole families.

Financial Help For Single Moms's- Thoughts on divorce

2009-08-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

I pulled some information from a discussion board on David Iguanzo's "Childrens Rights" Facebook group, and I thought I would post them here along with some added thoughts of my own. My additions will be in bold italics...

There's quite a bit of chatter about 'equal parenting, and 'father's rights' and even 'children's rights' with respect to 'equal parenting.' Unfortunately, when men fight for 50/50 custody, they then turn to say "Well, if I have the child 50% of the time, I shouldn't have to pay support." I have quite a few issues with this, mainlybecause, now, the child(ren)'s quality of life is REDUCED in TWO homes.

Here's what I pasted:

As an alternative, public policy could be devoted to creating incentives and roles that make fathers an integral part of the post divorce lives of offspring: through nontraditional custody and visitation arrangements that ensure fathers a meaningful parenting function; through the availability of non-adversarial modes of assisted dispute resolution to negotiate difficulties in visitation, economic support, and other issues with a former spouse; through child support procedures that assist lower-income fathers with their economic obligations while providing guaranteed assistance to all children; and through divorce procedures that encourage (indeed, require) former spouses to recognize and structure their mutual post divorce commitments to offspring and to each other. Policy reform that encourages a meaningful parenting role for fathers in post divorce life provides the best hope of redefining paternity in the twenty-first century.

It is important to think clearly about value preferences in this area not only to clarify the basis for preferring one policy proposal over another, but also to foster coherent public policy concerning divorce and its consequences which is designed to advance clear public purposes

public policies that foster the expectation of a continuing relationship with a former partner after divorce might help to ensure that adults realize that they maintain continuing obligations to offspring-and sometimes to each other-despite their desire to part. Such an expectation may change the negotiations surrounding divorce and the behavior of parents following the end of the marriage, especially if it is in the context of divorce procedures that help to establish the framework for such a future relationship. Even if they might desire it, neither partner should expect to purchase autonomy after divorce at the cost of children or of the former spouse.

Financial Help For Single Mom's- Financial Assistance and it's Downfalls

2009-08-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, it was dedicated to providing financial help and assistance for single mom's. But I've noticed lately that many of my posts have become about child support, deadbeat dads, and the defunct family court systems that have created the need for single moms to find financial support, and I've made a few decisions.

First, in the coming weeks, I am going to redesign this blog based on the following objectives:

Having lived as a single mom for 18 months, I know the emotional and financial well being of the family is best served in preserving the family unit. Unfortunately, the courts, therapists, and attorney's of the United States view the destruction of the family as more profitable to themselves and therefore, there are no mechanisms in place to keep the family whole. The first objective is this blog is to provide the best financial help for single mom's there is, the preservation of the family unit.

To achieve this objective, the first thing I am doing is asking for a group of folk who support the traditional family values to post here so that we can begin to create a support system network that will fight for and/or assist in Family Crisis Interventions and help to restore the family unit before welfare and court systems get involved. The courts and state's only profit from the destruction of the family, and so they encourage it with all their might. If we can begin to form a network of folks who actually will prevail as voices of reason and calmness in a family crisis, we will begin to provide the best financial assistance for single parents we can, keeping the family whole.

An Open Letter To The Mother Of My Deadbeat Dad

2009-08-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

I've had some conversations with the sperm donors mother over the past two days, and what it comes down to is this.

She talks bad about my family, and how they treat me, but when I bring up how HER family treated me and my kids, I get "I'm not going to talk about it."
She talks about how my ex and I were always fighting and how it wasn't good for the baby to see, but when I bring up the question, "what we were fighting about?" (his brother and the way his brother 'influenced him to make bad decisions that affected OUR financial well-being because his brother is a MORON)... I get, "I'm not going to talk about it."
She had the NERVE, the GALL, the CAJONES to say that I was too spoiled and selfish to have had a child! When I replied with, "He was the one who selfishly abandoned this family" I got.. YOU GUESSED IT..... "I'm not going to talk about it."

Suffice it to say, I was so irritated by this woman that it is 5:41 am as I post this and I have not been to bed yet, and I have written an open letter to her. I would really like comments from you all on this. More than anything I feel that it is a truly despondent sign of our society that there has been no 'forum' to have heard this and to have banded together to let these 'deadbeat dads' and deadbeat dad enablers' know that you all see what I see from his actions and his behaviors and let him know that no one falls for these games these deadbeat dads play. I want him, and them, to know, to see, to have irrefutable proof, that no one, and I mean NO ONE believes anything they say, that everyone can see what they did and that everyone thinks they are the scum of the Earth for what they did to me and my children.

Here's the letter:

Dianne,
Some of the things you have said to me have caused me to stay up all night, thinking of questions I have to put to you.

How dare you say that I am 'too spoiled and selfish' to have children?

Let me clue you in, I am not the one who was so selfish as to abandon them when they needed me the most, to provide food and shelter. I believe the truly 'spoiled and selfish' has taken that trophy. When Mike couldn't provide, I did. When I couldn't he walked out, and he didn't just leave... he tried to kill me in every way possible.

He took MY TRUCK so I couldn't make a living.
He ROBBED MY HOUSE when I wasn't here.
He helped RUIN the only way I could make a living by outing me on the one place I was still making money...

You stood idly by and let all of this happen,even ENCOURAGED it for God's sake, and you have the nerve to talk about what MY FAMILY does to me...

TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK at what YOUR FAMILY... did to me.

Do you want to know the truth finally about why I didn't want to have a child? It was because I never believed that Mike wasn't too spoiled to walk out if the going got tough. Guess what. I was right.

It was because I knew by the example you set, that Mike has no sense of responsibility.

You condemn my family for the way they treat me, yet, the way your family treated me was horrific. You have your say about my family and I let you say it, but when you are done, and I come back at you with the things your family did to me, you interrupt me with "I'm not going to talk about it."

HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you have the nerve to condemn ANYONE for the way they treat people when you treated YOUR GRANDCHILDREN to the most grandiose drama to have ever graced the stage of parental alienation...

You were a conductor in the orchestrated plot to destroy my family.

You behaved like white trash, with your attacks on me and mine and then 'shutting down' with "I'm not going to talk about that' when faced with the mirror images of your own DISGUSTING behavior.

You speak with a forked tongue. Telling Mike how wonderful I am when I take you on a cruise, and then spitting venom about me behind my back when the money ran out, starting stupid fights about an imaginary 'haircut' so you could set a stage for him to leave because even Mommy doesn't like me now.

You talk about how my mother wouldn't come to see her grandhcild. Let's talk about how you told your son it was ok to leave when that same child had no home to live in. Let's talk about how you shouted from your Yahoo messenger pulpit the PRIDE you took in your son not doing one single thing to support his children. Oh, you don't want to talk about THAT!

Poor you, you got upset.

Poor kids, they have no Father, thanks in large part to you.

You cannot understand how my family could not see the baby?

I cannot understand how you can just make a blanket statement like "you two are not compatible' and 'the baby didn't need to see you two fighting' without ever having uttered the words to your son that he needed to be a real man and a real father and put me and the kids before his brother, and HE needed to make sacrifices for his family. Without ever having uttered the words to him, "Michael, you are a father, you wanted those kids. You two are having problems. Go see a counselor."

No, just like you do with your bills, you decide you don't want to be responsible for your obligations, so you walk away. You find some reason to 'blame' something why you do it, but you just walk away. Just what you taught your children to do with their responsibilities.

You 'created' the 'you two aren't compatible, the baby doesn't need to see you fight excuse' because you couldn't fathom the idea of your precious son taking any responsibilities for his family and getting some counseling. God forbid he actually he had to do something to try to take care of HIS family... because then, he wouldn't be taking care of you.

I cannot understand how you think it was ok for me to have sacrificed myself to give him children, how I sacrificed MY money, to give him TWO businesses, and cars, and boats, and cruises... but when it came time for him to make a sacrifice, you didn't think he had to and you thought I just had to 'accept' his running off and leaving me to raise kids I had because he promised me he would be there to raise them WITH ME?!

The 'spoiled selfish' one who doesn't deserve these kids is actually your son, who you trained to believe that he had the right to just do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

You trained him in this belief by 'agreeing' with everything your husband did, and burying yourself in a bottle so you didn't 'fight' with him about anything, up to and including his cheating on you.

It is pretty clear to everyone in the world that you and your family used me for my money. Mike's time in 'theater' served him well. He definitely pulled the wool over my eyes with his fake romance and adoration. But when the gravy train started to run dry and there was nothing left for him, you and his brother to suck on anymore, I faced the most devastating blow of my life, and you all lined up to KICK me when I was down, going out of your way to make things even worse for me, sending me spiraling into a pit of despair so you could then say, "he had to leave her. She was crazy. All they did was fight and that wasn't any good for the baby." And your plan hatched, and not one of you ever gave a shit how much MY CHILDREN SUFFERED because of the hatred you encouraged to cover up the truth...

You were all just using me for what you could get, and when the party was over, I was the one left holding the bag.

I hope you are all very happy. After all, I've seen the bullshit excuses you all made for Rich not supporting his children, and I've seen firsthand Mike tells those exact same lies and bullshit to a woman he wanted to 'date' thinking that women are going to be dumb enough to believe it. He actually told this woman that he DOES pay child support! HA! He won't even admit they are his kids.

I think it's time that you, Rich, Kelly and Angie left my family alone. Take a good hard look Dianne, Rich's kids in California hate his guts. My kids will feel no differently. Children aren't stupid. If you want to kid yourself into believing that ANYONE falls for the bullshit excuses you all made for Rich not supporting his kids,

I leave you with this... I have been through marriage counseling, and the one thing I learned there was that if you loved each other to get together and create a family in the first place, that love can be found again. You just have to want to want it. Even if you think you don't want it, you owe it to yourselves and your children to open your mind and your heart to getting past the anger that makes you feel that way, so you can start the process of healing and finding love again. It just takes work, and a little guidance to learn how to find it again. Anyone who won't let you finish that sentence, or who tries to argue against, does not have the interest of 'real family' at heart, and you should not be surrounding yourself with anyone who would say this.

###

It is my inherent belief that no matter what happens, a family is stronger together! Emotionally, financially, and even socially. Love, marriage, family, relationships.... it isn't all fun and games and Hallmark cards and good times... sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's damn hard work! And A LOT of self-sacrifice. You became a parent. Self-sacrifice is no longer an 'option' it's now a RESPONSIBILITY. Your children deserve for you to get past the anger immediately, even if it needs to be forced upon you to do so. You have no right to let your anger cause the grief that anger causes to innocent children.

Update On The Deadbeat Dad, Another one for the Deadbeat Dad's List

2009-07-31T07:56:00.000-07:00

So our older boy is pretty sick and here's another one for the Deadbeat Dad's list. A friend of mine told the sperm donor that the boy is sick and because of my crappy Medicaid medical coverage, he's not getting very good care from the doctors. Suddenly, the message from the sperm donor's mother- He wants to talk to me about medical coverage for the boys and a few other things that I will be pleased about.

Doubtful. The level of distrust is so deep here, that when she asked for my email address, I refused because I don't so much as want him having my IP address. He's not to be trusted at all.

This all came down yesterday on July 30, 2009. I told her to have him instant message me, but so far, he hasn't.

Fancy that, eh?

My Reply To The Email in the previous post

2009-07-26T07:30:00.001-07:00

I sit here, Sunday morning cup of coffee in hand, and heavy heart bestowed upon me.I would, and have, sacrifice my LIFE, and my own 'happiness' for my children just as this article suggests is the responsible thing for a parent to do. I was force into motherhood by their father who threatened to leave me if I did not have them, then force into 'single motherhod' when he was permitted to arbitrarily walk out on this family we created at HIS behest. I have remained single and lonely, because it is best for my children not to see men that I 'date' and be subjected to yet another man walking out on their lives, like their father did. And so, my own happiness of sharing my life with someone has been sacrificed for them. Yet "Dad" is freely 'living his dream' with no requirement of any responsibility to this family. My children's dad walked out on me when our son was 22 months old and I was pregnant with our second. He left us destitute and homeless. He had just joined the us army national guard reserves and refused to get a job to pay child support based on the fact that he was going to boot camp in 4 months. The reasons he thinks this behavior is acceptable are:*The #1 Reason that we have a 50% divorce rate and 'single parent' homes for our children is... "It is more profitable for the divorce lawyers, family services agencies, and even family therapists, to aid in the destruction of the family unit that it is to 'reunify' it." *A brother who has 'coached' him in the many ways to 'avoid support.'*A mother who publicly displays 'pride' all over the Internet every time he manages to avoid a court appearance to determine paternity and child support* Three separate 'family therapists' who tell me when we're 'alone' that he is abusive, yet, the TWO times I actually did manage to get him into a counselors office they never told HIM that he was abusive.[He only became this way after his brother moved to Florida from CT and became a center of influence in his life. His brother has no respect for women and is a drug addict.]*Counselors speak in half-truths to people. They say 'you need to make yourself happy' and allow patients to interpret that as"'if you're not happy in your marriage, it's ok to leave because you have to make yourself happy because you 'deserve' to be happy.'"*Family courts and Children and Family Services (and lawyers too)encourage the break up of the family unit by forcing one party or the other to file for child support with no mechnasim for 'mediation' and no one to 'note' the abuses that begin AFTER the filing, to file 'restraining orders' against the other under threat of taking the children away if you don't. This just causes the other party to view the custodial parent as being 'adversarial.' There is no effort by any 'authority-figure'' to 'intervene' in an attempt to 'reunify' the family unit. Instead, the profit for all these 'authorities' lies in assuring the destruction of the family, and so, under coersion an threats, the goal of destroying the familiy unit is achieved and the profits continue.*Friends who saw the changes in him, who verified that they saw it happen when the brother moved here, who would tell me that they stopped coming over because they couldn't stand the way he talked to me, yet would not tell him what they saw because they 'didn't want to get involved.'For two years, I fought with Child Support Enforcement to file for support, but in Florida, the legal represntation one gets from CSE is 'sub par' at best. When he finally was served, he invoked the Servicemens Civil Relief Act saying he was deploying to Iraq in a week and therefore could not submit to paternity. The state refuses to file and ask the courts not to uphold the SCRA and has stated that they will remove the benefits my children and I recieve if I close my CSE case and file myself. The courts won't hear my own case as long as CSE and DOR have it. So I'm 'stuck' with subpar legal representation, my children get nothing from their father, and I never even wanted his money, I just wanted him to be here and do whatever was necessary to keep our family healthy, happy and whole. If we're going to overhaul the 'family values' system of the United States, we are going to have to find a way to make the 'reunifying of the family' more profitable than the destruction of it is. My own blog, 'http://www.financialhelpforsinglemoms.blogspot.com' is a place for people to discuss these issues and brainstorm for ways to combat the 'me me me mentality that our society has become and stop subjecting our children to growing up in 'half families' because of this selfish behavior. Finding a way to create a profitable model' for the advocacy of keeping families together is going to be the only way we can ensure that parents start taking responsibility for thier families and realizing that you sacrifice your life AND your happiness for your children is what makes you a 'parent' and not a 'sperm donor' or 'biological parental unit.' One suggestion, is the institution of 'punitive damages' being cast upon the parent who chooses to leave... See 'http://www.financialhelpforsinglemoms.blogspot.com' for more.

Help For Single Moms

2009-07-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

I belong to a Facebook group called "Children's Rights" that advocates the saving of the family unit and keeping families together. I wanted to share the story I read here, and then I'll post my response.

This story touched me on many levels. Here it is:

Dear Dr. LauraAs I was doing dishes, I was thinking of a caller you had recently. She was having second thoughts since leaving her career to take on the job of being a full-time Mom to her little one. She was confused as to how cleaning the floor and staying home with her child was better than working at a job, hiring someone else to do the cleaning and being with her child at the end of the day. So as I was doing the dishes, laundry is next by the way, I was trying to put to words the thoughts I had and decided to write.I think people sometimes lose sight of what love really is. It’s not just the warm fuzzy feelings you get when you think of or spend time with a loved one. Whether it’s your child, your spouse, a friend or even a stranger, the fuzzy feelings are nice, but there are other more important components too. The one that comes to my mind is self-sacrifice. Not too many people understand this anymore. When I’m cleaning the house, I’m not doing it because I enjoy it, I’m doing it because I love my family. When they have clean clothes, warm food, a nice clean peaceful place to come home to, they feel loved because I did it for them. Now an important thing is that cleaning should never outweigh spending time together, like you said, a lot of this we can do together. Working together fosters the love we feel for each other. No one person is served, we serve each other, and all are served with love. This then carries over to others outside our family. We enjoy doing for others, because we have had our own family giving of them to us. There is only one thing Christ commanded us to do, “Love one another as I have loved you.” And he loved us by giving at our Church, we volunteer at school, we help other families as we can and we do things for others out of love.Recently I heard Rush Limbaugh discussing the Catholic notion of fasting. He was not too supportive of the Pope asking Catholics around the world to fast by giving up 2 meals and all snacks for a day. He thought it sounded too meager and compared this to his giving up all food to go on a liquid diet for over a month. That he said was a real fast. He too missed the point. A religious fast is to give up something that you desire or need along with prayer in order to gain graces for others or to obtain something, in this case, peace. We are a Catholic family of 6 and to have God’s grace is the richest treasure there is and it’s what enables us to love each other the way G-d intended. By living our faith and by giving of ourselves, we receive God’s graces. Rush Limbaugh couldn’t understand the difference between giving up something and dieting because he failed to see it as an act of sacrifice. Being on a liquid diet was not about sacrifice, it was about his becoming thinner, and he benefited from it. Sacrifice is when you give something up, whether it’s food, TV, the computer, your free time, or your career, in order to give something to another. If you do this, you will receive the grace from G-d to value what you have done: the satisfaction from realizing that you have loved others before yourself; and the joy from knowing that you have taught your children to be loving people because they know that they are loved. We love by doing for each other, not by feeling the warm fuzzies as we look down on a sleeping child. Kids need to see love in tangible ways. They don’t feel their parents warm fuzzies they need to see that their parents want to be with them; that their parents enjoy being with them; that their parents don’t hesitate to put them first; and that their parents love them as G-d lives them. Then they will know that they are loved. Too many families self-destruct all too often because of lack of self-sacrifice. Divorce is the by-product of this lacking. I assume that if you asked most parents they would say that they would die to protect their child. Ask them sometime, “If you knew your child was terminally ill, and you could take their place, would you?” I think many people would say yes. Then ask them why they would sacrifice their children by divorcing a spouse? Most people I hear who discuss their divorces do so with the reasoning that “I deserve to be happy.” This does not include those who divorce due to abuse, drug addiction of that other spouse or infidelity. I’m speaking of the people who divorce due to “Irreconcilable differences.” These people choose their own “happiness” at the expense of their children’s happiness. If you would die for your children physically, why won’t you die for your children in any other way? All that children want is to be loved by their parents. That’s it. And again, they can’t feel the love of a parent who isn’t there. Warm fuzzies just don’t travel over state lines or through telephone lines. Kids need to have parents close by in order to know that they are loved.I have seen first hand what parental separation does. My husband is currently deployed to the Middle East on a Navy ship and will be gone for 6 months or maybe more. This is the 4th deployment we’ve experienced and hopefully our last, as he goes over 20 years this year. When he is gone, our children suffer. They love their Dad very much, but he isn’t here to love him back. We do our best to stay connected, through emails, videos and packages, but it’s just not the same. We luckily will have an end to this situation eventually, but I’m sad about the millions of kids who will never get their parents back from the divorce deployments that they are on.Both of my parents worked full-time while I was growing up. So I know that side too. My parents were and are very loving people, but they just weren’t around enough to give their love to my siblings and me in meaningful ways. They bought us everything we wanted, but our only true need was never met, the giving of themselves. Partly because of this, I am very emotionally independent person, and it’s probably why I married a military man. But I have tried to overcome it. It wasn’t until after the first 7 years of my marriage that I was really able to let my husband into my heart completely. We’ve been married now for over 14 years. Also, having 4 kids has sure helped me. I’m a better person because of them. But unfortunately my parents ended up raising my siblings and me to not need them emotionally. Sadly for us all, we still don’t. if you want a long lasting, and deeply emotional relationship with your children for as long as you live, you must make sacrifices and invest of yourself into them now. They will not grow up to share their lives with you if you don’t share your life with them on a daily basis. And from my experiences I’ve found that a child’s world takes place in about a 20ft diameter of themselves. Be with them and enjoy their love, its better that anything else in this world.Sorry this letter has gone on so long. But I’m glad to have a chance to share these thoughts with you. I am proud to be a long time listener of yours and a no-time caller J I always laugh when I hear someone say they’ve listened to you a long time, but then ask you why their shack-up-honey won’t marry them even after they’ve had 5 kids with them. You must cringe. Thanks for all you do, you have opened the eyes of many people. I’m sure it’s through the grace G-d has given you.Sincerely,Maria

June 9, 2009

2009-06-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

Being a single mom can get downright frustrating some days. I often find myself wondering what more 'financial help for single moms' is out there and the one I come back to the most often is child support. It's no secret on this blog that my son's father is the worst kind of deadbeat dad, he's a MILITARY Deadbeat Dad. It's not that he CAN'T help to support our boys, he just WON'T. In typical deadbeat dad fashion, the excuses range from, "I am not paying YOUR bills" to "Are they even mine?" I won't deny that it's a stab in my heart because it only goes to prove that I loved a man who obviously never loved me, but it proves that he didn't want these children to love them, that he only wanted them for whatever use they would serve him.
The battle just to have him served with the paternity suit has gone on for over a year and a half already, thanks to the incompetence of bureaucracy in the state of Florida. The attorney who works for the Child Support Enforcement Agency has absolutely no communication with me and I don't even have a 'caseworker' at CSE. Every time I call, I talk to a different person. I feel as though I've got no one in my corner, I'm battling an enemy that even my own camp (CSE is protecting) and I just feel alone in this fight.
I've found some support groups online, but they're not very busy. Probably because single mom's have to do it all, financially, emotionally, right down every bit of housework. There is no partner here to say, 'hon, you look exhausted, let me cook dinner tonight,' or to take the kids out for a few hours and give mom some much needed 'down time.' I'm constantly exhausted and the emotional fatigue of always feeling like I'm in some way 'fighting' for my family is wearing on me. Some days I just feel like I can't 'enjoy my life and my children.' There's no time for joy. Electric bills need to be paid, water bills require my attention, and a sink full of dirty dishes wait to be washed so that I can cook dinner and make yet another mess that there is no one I can look at and say 'your turn.'

2009-05-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

My ex pointed a loaded gun at my face, slapped me across the face, dragged me across a room by my hair, and tried to run me over with a car (running over both my feet) while I was pregnant. As is the case with many women in abusive relationships, I chose to believe his apologies and promises that it would never happen again, up until he tried to run me over with the car. When I did finally get up the nerve to make a police report, they refused to arrest him based on the three weeks it took me to finally make the report.

The military has done nothing to assist me in holding this man responsible for abandoning his children, and now, my biggest fear is that because he has been permitted to get away with so much, that I could be the next victim of a crime like the one in this video.

Watch this at Tampa Bay Online

More Information On The SCRA

2009-05-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18506417/page/2/print/1/displaymode/1098/

Some family court judges say that determining what’s best for a child in a custody case is simply not comparable to deciding civil property disputes and the like; they have ruled that family law trumps the federal law protecting servicemembers.

http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/speeches/wjk_article.php
If you would like to discuss SCRA issues with attorneys at Department of Justice, please contact Steven H. Rosenbaum, chief of the Housing and Civil Enforcement Section, at 202-514-4713 or Elizabeth A. Singer, director of the U.S. Attorneys’ Fair Housing Program, at 202-514-6164.

Supporting Cases

2009-05-31T05:06:00.000-07:00

Here are two cases where the courts have denied a stay in cases involving the SCRA
Reference url:
http://www.kscourts.org/Cases-and-opinions/opinions/supct/2006/20060714/95727.htm

IN THE SUPREME COURT OF THE STATE OF KANSAS

No. 95,727

In the Matter of the Marriage of

LEVI BRADLEY,

Appellant,

and

AMBER BRADLEY,

Appellee.

SYLLABUS BY THE COURT

1. The stated purpose of the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 501 et seq. (2003), is to "strengthen, and expedite the national defense" by enabling servicemembers of the United States "to devote their entire energy to the defense needs of the Nation."

2. Interpretation of a statute is a question of law over which an appellate court has unlimited review. Additionally, the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 501 et seq. (2003), is to be liberally construed to prevent the civil rights of a servicemember from being adversely affected while serving in the military.

3. To entitle a servicemember to a mandatory stay pursuant to the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 522(b)(1) (2003), the servicemember must comply with the two conditions set out in § 522(b)(2).

4. Where a servicemember fails to satisfy the two conditions set out in the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 522(b)(2) (2003), the granting of a stay is within the discretion of the district court.

5. Judicial discretion is abused when judicial action is arbitrary, fanciful, or unreasonable. If reasonable persons could differ as to the propriety of the action taken by the trial court, then it cannot be said that the trial court abused its discretion.

Appeal from Franklin district court; JAMES J. SMITH, judge. Opinion filed July 14, 2006. Affirmed and remanded for further proceedings.

Jean Ann Uvodich, of Olathe, argued the cause and was on the briefs for appellant.

Amy L. Durkin, of Eudora, argued the cause, and Lowell C. Paul, of Kansas Legal Services, was with her on the brief for appellee.

The opinion of the court was delivered by

ALLEGRUCCI, J.: This is an interlocutory appeal in a divorce proceeding. Petitioner, Levi Bradley, is serving in the military. He seeks a ruling on application of the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (Act), 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 501 et seq. (2003). When respondent filed a motion to modify the temporary custody order, Levi sought a stay of the proceedings pursuant to the Act. The district court concluded that the Act did not apply to the temporary order. At the request of the petitioner, the district court certified its ruling for interlocutory appeal pursuant to K.S.A. 60-2102(c). The sole issue on appeal is whether the Act applies in the circumstances. The Court of Appeals granted leave to docket the appeal. This court transferred the case from the Court of Appeals pursuant to K.S.A. 20-3018(c).

Levi and Amber Bradley were married on February 27, 2003. On September 8, 2003, their son, Tyler, was born. Levi went to boot camp in June 2003 and then was away in the military. They resided with Levi's mother, Starleen Bradley, from the date of their marriage until April 27, 2005.

Levi Bradley filed the present divorce action on May 19, 2005. In his petition, Levi prayed for sole custody of Tyler, with residential placement with his mother, and he contemporaneously filed a motion for temporary orders. In the motion for temporary orders, Levi alleged that Amber had moved in with her boyfriend on April 27 and was not properly caring for Tyler.

After the divorce action was filed, Amber traveled to North Carolina where Levi was stationed. They were going to try to make their marriage work. Amber agreed to leave Tyler in Starleen Bradley's custody. On June 8, 2005, an agreed order and parenting plan, signed by Amber, Levi's counsel, and the trial judge, was filed. It recites that the order is in response to "the Verified Petition for Divorce and Request for Temporary Orders." The order provides:

"1. The Petitioner is hereby granted sole legal custody of the minor child Tyler Allen Bradley with residential custody of the minor child being with the Paternal Grandmother Starleen Bradley subject to Respondent's reasonable and liberal parent time precluding overnight visitations.

"2. Petitioner's mother, Starleen Bradley, has full authority to obtain medical attention for the minor child."

On September 26, 2005, Amber filed a motion to modify the order granting sole legal custody to Levi. She alleged that she did not have counsel at the time she signed the order and did not fully understand what she was agreeing to. She further stated:

"Since the court only has the authority to place the child with anyone other than a parent by agreement, or with a child in need of care referral, the temporary order should be set aside and residential placement of the minor child should be with the respondent. The court has had no opportunity to hear any evidence that would indicate that a child in need of care case is appropriate in this situation."

Petitioner's response was an application for stay of proceedings pursuant to the Act. Levi stated that he had been deployed to Iraq, was scheduled to return to the United States by March 31, 2006, and sought a stay of the proceedings "until such time as he is available to testify." At a hearing on November 8, 2005, the district court expressed the view

"that temporary orders in this matter are [not] stayed by the Servicemen's Civil Relief Act. I believe this Court has a continuing obligation to consider what's in the best interest of the child. I do believe that judgments against a petitioner husband are precluded thereby but not what is in the best interest of this child and I believe the Court has the authority and will take up the Motion to Modify Temporary Orders."

At the conclusion of the hearing, the district court filed the following order:

"1. Custody of the parties' minor child, Tyler Allen Bradley, is awarded to the parties as joint custody with primary residence of the minor child awarded to respondent, Amber Bradley.

"2. Custody of the minor child shall be transferred to respondent on this 8th day of November, 2005, on or before 5:00 PM."

Petitioner filed a motion to reconsider and amend the order. Levi again requested the district court to stay proceedings while he is deployed in Iraq, to certify the question for interlocutory appeal, and to allow him to present evidence that "the situation for the minor child while in the care of Respondent does rise to the level necessary to establish probable cause of a child in need of care." Following a hearing on December 6, 2005, the district court reiterated its earlier ruling that the Act did not apply, denied Levi's motion for a stay of the proceedings, and declined to reconsider placement of the child. The district court did certify the question for an immediate appeal. Levi Bradley has returned from service in Iraq as scheduled and was present at oral argument before this court.

DISCUSSION

50 U.S.C.A. App. § 502 (2003) provides that the purposes of the Act are

"(1) to provide for, strengthen, and expedite the national defense through protection extended by this Act to servicemembers of the United States to enable such persons to devote their entire energy to the defense needs of the Nation; and

"(2) to provide for the temporary suspension of judicial and administrative proceedings and transactions that may adversely affect the civil rights of service-members during their military service."

The Act applies to "any judicial or administrative proceeding commenced in any court or agency in any jurisdiction subject to this Act. This Act does not apply to criminal proceedings." 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 512(b). The protections extended by the Act are far-ranging and include forgiveness of certain interest, protection from eviction, termination of leases, and prohibition against financial retaliation by lenders and creditors. See Pottorff, The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act: A Modern Replacement for the SSCRA [Soldiers' and Sailors' Civil Relief Act], 74 J.K.B.A. 20 (Oct. 2005). In addition, a servicemember is protected when he or she cannot or does not appear to defend or pursue civil proceedings. 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 522(a) (2003) provides that the section "applies to any civil action or proceeding in which the plaintiff or defendant at the time of filing an application under this section–(1) is in military service or is within 90 days after termination of or release from military service; and (2) has received notice of the action or proceeding." 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 522 (b) provides:

"(b) Stay of proceedings

(1) Authority for stay

At any stage before final judgment in a civil action or proceeding in which a servicemember described in subsection (a) is a party, the court may on its own motion and shall, upon application by the servicemember, stay the action for a period of not less than 90 days, if the conditions in paragraph (2) are met.

(2) Conditions for stay

An application for a stay under paragraph (a) shall include the following:

(A) A letter or other communication setting forth facts stating the manner in which current military duty requirements materially affect the servicemember's ability to appear and stating a date when the servicemember will be available to appear.

(B) A letter or other communication from the servicemember's commanding officer stating that the servicemember's current military duty prevents appearance and that military leave is not authorized for the servicemember at the time of the letter."

Interpretation of a statute is a question of law over which an appellate court has unlimited review. Cooper v. Werholtz, 277 Kan. 250, 252, 83 P.3d 1212 (2004). Additionally, the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, 50 U.S.C.A. App. § 501 et seq. (2003), is to be liberally construed to prevent the civil rights of a servicemember from being adversely affected while serving in the military. Boone v. Lightner, 319 U.S. 561, 575, 87 L. Ed. 1587, 63 S. Ct. 1223 (1943); Lenser v. McGowan, 358 Ark. 423, 429, 2004 WL 2064892 (2004).

Levi's brief is not helpful. He does not mention the conditions for a stay that are set out in § 522(b)(2). He cites only two cases, both for a proposition not at issue–that the Act applies in child custody proceedings–and, by Levi's own account, neither applying the current version of the Act.

Amber's position is that the conditions set out in § 522(b)(2) must be satisfied in order for the servicemember to have a right to a mandatory stay of proceedings. She contends that Levi did not comply with the statutory conditions. The first condition is that "[a] letter or other communication setting forth facts stating the manner in which current military duty requirements materially affect the servicemember's ability to appear and stating a date when the servicemember will be available to appear." § 522(b)(2)(A). Levi attached to his application for stay a photocopy of what he refers to as "orders issued on July 11, 2005," deploying him "to Iraq to defend his country." As Amber points out, however, the document does not bear petitioner's name. The phrase, "see attached roster," appears in the name space, but the roster was not provided to the court.

The Act expressly provides for a mandatory stay of proceedings on a servicemember's motion if the motion includes (1) a statement as to how his current military duties materially affect his ability to appear and when he will be available to appear and (2) a statement from his commanding officer stating that the servicemember's current military duty prevents his appearance and military leave is not authorized for him at the time of the statement. In this case, Levi failed to provide either. The photocopy Levi provided, presumably as a statement of his current military duties, does not name the petitioner or state when he will be available to appear. And there is no statement from his commanding officer. Hence there is no statement that Levi's current military duty prevents his appearance and no statement that he has no military leave presently authorized.

Among the cases cited by Amber is King v. Irvin, 273 Ga. App. 64, 614 S.E.2d 190 (2005). King sued Irvin for personal injuries relating to an automobile collision. The case was placed on the trial calendar for the week of February 23, 2004. King, a naval reservist, sought a continuance on the ground that he had received military orders to report to duty on February 23. King's motion stated that his military orders were attached, but they were not. The trial court continued the case to April 19. At the April 19 calendar call, King's counsel asked for a continuance without any supporting documents. When the trial court denied a further continuance, King's counsel "'professed an inability to move forward,'" and the trial court dismissed the case for want of prosecution. 273 Ga. App. at 65. On appeal, King argued that the trial court should have granted a continuance pursuant to the Act. Noting the statutory procedure and conditions for a stay, the Georgia Court of Appeals stated:

"King has not shown that he actually applied for a stay under the Act. And even if he did apply, the record contains no evidence that he included the necessary information with his application. Accordingly, the trial court did not err in denying his motion for continuance on this ground." 273 Ga. App. at 67.

As in King, Levi has failed to furnish the supporting documents required for a stay of proceedings at the application of the servicemember. A stay of proceedings is mandatory upon a properly supported application by the servicemember, but not so if the statutory conditions are not met. It also appears from the language of § 522(b)(1) that a court's discretion to grant a stay on its own motion depends on satisfaction of the statutory conditions–"the court may on its own motion . . . stay the action for a period of not less than 90 days, if the conditions in paragraph (2) are met." But § 522 (b)(1) does not address what standard is to be applied by a trial court in considering whether to stay an action upon a servicemembers' application that does not meet the statutory conditions. In the absence of governance by the federal statute, we turn to the law of the courts of this state where it is established that "the question of staying an action is largely discretionary with the court and is governed by the same law applicable to continuances." Henry, Administrator v. Stewart, 203 Kan. 289, 293, 454 P.2d 7 (1969). Thus, where there is a failure to satisfy the conditions of the Act, then the granting of a stay is within the discretion of the trial court. Judicial discretion is abused when judicial action is arbitrary, fanciful, or unreasonable. If reasonable persons could differ as to the propriety of the action taken by the trial court, then it cannot be said that the trial court abused its discretion.

Since Levi failed to satisfy those conditions, we review the district court's denial of a stay under an abuse of discretion standard. Here, the minor child was 2 years old, residing with Levi's mother pursuant to an agreement signed by Amber, who was not represented by counsel, and absent such agreement, as Tyler's mother, Amber's claim to custody is clearly superior to Levi's mother. Under the circumstances in the present case, the district court did not abuse its discretion in denying Levi a stay and temporarily granting Amber custody of Tyler.

We do not reach the question of whether the trial court could not have entered the temporary order changing the custody of Tyler if Levi had complied with § 522(b)(2).

Although based on different reasoning, the decision of the district court denying the stay is nevertheless correct and is affirmed on the ground that Levi failed to meet the conditions of § 522(b)(2). If a trial court reaches the right result, its decision will be upheld even though the trial court relied upon the wrong ground. Hall v. Kansas Farm Bureau, 274 Kan. 263, 273, 50 P.3d 495 (2002). The decision of the district court is affirmed and remanded for further proceedings.

An Open Letter To Florida Child Support Enforcement, The DOR, and the Attorney

2009-05-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern,

The ineptitude and blatant disregard for legal protection for my children in my Child Support Enforcement Case has gone on for 18 months now, and I am issuing this letter to make clear that I have thoroughly researched what would be proper procedure for a private attorney to take to finally bring closure to this debacle that CSE, the DOR, and attorney, David Earl have made of my child support case. This letter will serve as notice that my rights have already been violated by the CSE, the DOR, and attorney David Earl for over a year and a half, and that at this point, no further grace shall be permitted on my behalf. Child Support Enforcement first caused me great harm by dispensing legal advice to me when adivising me to get a divorce from my first husband, the man the state considers my children's 'legal father.' This caused an eight month delay in having the state take any action against the children's 'natural father' at which point, another 6-8 month delay was caused because CSE was not satisfied with the 'wording.'

Through several free consultations with several attorneys, I discovered that the simplest solution to my problem was to just serve both men at the same time. I was 'dismissed' when I mentioned this to the caseworker at Child Support Enforcement and simply told 'we don't do that.' When I questioned the caseworker as to why they had not served my husband in the first 8 months while we were getting our divorce, she told me that if they heard I might be getting a divorce, then they wouldn't do anything, they would just wait and see what happens. Finally, I asked her why they had not advised me of the exact wording they wanted in my divorce papers instead of just telling me to get divorced. She clearly stated that they do not give legal advice. I'm still unclear as to exactly what she thought she was doing the day she told me to get a divorce.

I have had to make numerous phone calls to CSE and finally to the Florida Department of Revenue to track down someone who would answer for this fiasco and I was eventually contacted by Karen. On my last call to CSE on May 19, 2009, I was informed that they had 'attempted' to call the Sargeant of my children's Army enlisted father, on May 4, 2009 to locate his whereabouts to serve him. I had provided CSE with this man's actual address at his mother's house, yet they claimed they could not get the post office to verify that he lived there.

Oddly, though this 'Sargeant' never returned phone calls to the CSE, on May 14,2009, the children's father himself had called CSE directly and stated that he would be leaving for Iraq the following week. The update I received was: "Your case has been sent back to the attorney for review."

It was at this point, on May 19, 2009 that I started calling the DOR demanding to know who was responsible for contracting this attorney who chose to use every means possible to avoid filing suit for the past 18 months and demanding that the caseworker who advised me to get divorced be reprimanded for giving me the 'legal advice' to get a divorce whilst that advice was insufficient and innaccurate and did in fact, prolong the case even further.

On May 20, 2009, when Karen returned my phone call, she advised that the attorney had filed the papers with the courts and had finally gotten an address for the base at which to serve my children's father. On Friday, May 22, 2009, he was served. Karen called to notify me, and though I already know that proper legal procedure is to wait out his 20 day response time and then file a motion for a hearing based on his response, when I pressed her to divulge to me what this 'attorneys' next step would be, she was vague in telling me that we will just have to see what happens.

Since I expect him to invoke the SCRA, I am DEMANDING that a hearing be set to counter the invocation of the SCRA. I have done the research already, and I am aware that the SCRA does state that the courts do not have to grant a stay if the proceedings do not require the presence of the respondent. I expect that the attorney will finally act as an 'attorney' and use all legal avenues necessary to expedite this matter.

CSE had no right to dispense legal advice advising me to get divorced which is the starting point of this case having dragged on for a year and a half. The 'procedure' set forth for dealing with a case such as man where I was married to, but separated from, a man who is not the children's biological father seems non-existent, however, it is not part of their 'procedure' to serve both men at once in order to expedite a child support case in a timely fashion, therefore, CSE will simply dispense innaccurate and insufficient legal advice advising women in this situation to get a divorce, only to tell them once it's final that the wording is insufficient for their attorney and telling them to now go and pay more money to a lawyer to get it changed.

The most disturbing aspect of this case is that when I pushed Karen to explain to me why both men were not served at the same time, she informed me that they would need the 'cooperation' of the other legal parent. First of all, this is untrue, but more importantly, had ANYONE at CSE, the DOR, or attorney David Earl bothered to COMMUNICATE with ME, they would have known that my now ex-husband would have easily agreed to this. But CSE is an agency of bureaucrats who have no interest in trying to 'resolve' cases that have problems by working WITH the custodial parents. CSE and the DOR serve as a buffer between the client and the attorney so that the attorney does not have to answer for his or her substandard legal practice in obtaining child support.

My children's father is in the military. This makes him one of the easiest fathers to find and to collect child support from, yet this CSE agency and Attorney David Earl have managed to let him slip through the system for over a year because of their incompetence, their lack of communication with me, and what seems to be sheer laziness on both their parts.

This letter will serve as a demand for communication from now on,with CSE, DOR and the attorney handling the case. I will not tolerate any further lack of communication on this case nor will I tolerate any more subpar legal representation. If Attorney David Earl does not begin to treat this case with the necessary litigation procedures that would be carried out by any private attorney, I will have no choice but to pursue legal action against the CSE for giving me legal advice, file a complaint to the Florida Bar in regards to David Earl's representation.

I am willing to assist in any way I can to bring closure to this case. I have researched the SCRA and many cases and their outcomes when it has been invoked by Service Members. I know for a fact that when the respondents 20 days are up, we need to file a motion based on what those responses are. If he does indeed invoke the SCRA, we can make a case asking the judge not to order the stay based on several factors, the main one being that he does not need to be present for the proceedings because the military already has his dna on file and we can just subpeona it from the JAG office. I expect that from here on out, strategy will be not only used in my case, but will also be discussed with me in advance.

Sincerely,

Vanessa Blais

Financial Help For Single Moms Starts With Help For Deadbeat Dads

2009-05-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Read on a Yahoo blog:

By: pathogan70
12/04/2009
9:06 am

Yahoo! Profile:
pathogan70

Did this message offend you?
Report abuse

Re:Dead Beat Dads on the Dole

Reply to this message

"something needs to be done for the children"... You know how many times you will hear that at the family court? It has no bearing on anything, the system assumes every bloke is a violent creep, and every woman is mother Theresa doing it tough.

I dunno what the answer is, but I'd say 2 fundamentals of our modified westminster legal system work completely against any reasonable outcome.

Firstly, it is adversarial rather than inquisative.

This means two sides throw as much mud at each other, and delve into as much animosity as possible, then some high and mighty (female) judge decides whats best based on who looks worse (male). Then theres the rule of precedents, where the (female) judge will factor setting a precedent into the equation and opt for following previous precedents (giving everything to the female), rather than setting a new precedent such as a fair go.

Ok, I don't agree with ALL of this, because studies have shown that female judges are actually more even-handed whereas male judges tend to side with the mother (probably has a lot to do with fathers who don't want their daughters dating because they know what boys are actually like...), but the part I do agree with it that it is 'More adversarial than inquisitive' (yes, I corrected the spelling, apologies to the author).

Why do you think that DCF and attorneys immediately advise one party to file a domestic violence injunction the moment said person makes any inquiry for help during the beginning stages of a break up, when emotions are still high and rationality has taken a back seat?

The more animosity that is created, the better the chance of profiteering by agencies such as DCF, CSE and the 'divorce attorney's.'

I understand that most cases are cases of the woman wanting out and not the man, so of course I can understand a man's resentment.

Let me state for the record, I am the woman who WAS LEFT, and also that HE WANTED the children, PUSHED for the children, and I was the breadwinner,so I am not a case of a woman who wanted his 'child support paycheck.'

I have had to defend my position on 'mandated family counseling' to every single woman I know who did take the initiative in the split. One friend even told me that she would have 'resented' being told that she had to try to save her marriage because she couldn't stand her husband because he was 'needy.' It did not occur to her that that issue could have been worked through with a good marriage counselor, nor was she willing to concede that it COULD have.

I have been the married woman withouth children who wanted a divorce, and who did go through marriage counseling. I know that most 'break-ups' stem from 'unresolved arguements because couples are not equipped to resolve arguments without help.

I also know that many relationship problems are the direct result of financial pressures or other types of crisis that making coping a difficult task and in which the relationship suffers.

Some of the things I learned in marriage counseling was that there was something you loved about each other to begin with, and to make the marriage/relationshiop work, you needed to learn to remember those things and nurture them to keep the love alive.

Because I did not have children, I still felt that my marriage was not salvagable and we chose to end it. Luckily, that marriage counseling helped us to be 'amicable' and we to this day remain friendly. And it is because of my decision to end the marriage and the decisions I made to have children with another man, and without the protection of marriage, that I have become anti-divorce, and and advocate for mandated family counseling any time there are children involved, with or without marriage.

In the relationship where my children were conceived, I did not have the protection of marriage. There were 'isolated incidents' of abuse. Verbal and mental definitely. Physcial, yes, but not to the dramatic point of Farrah Fawcetts 'The Burning Bed." He slapped me, yes. But he didn't PUMMMEL me. Some of the things he DID do would seem reprehensible, but no one but I was there. I know that these behaviors were not ALWAYS present. They were 'triggered' by events in our lives like the appearance of a drug using brother who bullied him mercilessly and emasculated him. His anger and resentment at not being able to stand up for himself were misdirected at me. He began to accuse ME of being the one controlling him, though he was making decisons about OUR business (backed with my credit) based on what his brother would tell him to do. There was no regard for me or my credit or money in these decisions. I was once the 'partner' who was respected, and now suddenly I was just 'some dumb female that didn't know anything about business or how to deal with guys in trades.' When the decisions went bad, and cost us clients, his brother would plant an idea in his head that I somehow 'plotted' to lose the clients. When asked why I would put my own money or credit on the line and cost myself and my family a major portion of our income, the answer his brother has programmed him to respond with is 'who knows why you do what you do, talk to a shrink.'

When our relationship began to be affected by this man's ridiculous psychosis, I was merely 'the bitch trying to drive a wedge between him and his brother.' His insecurity allowed this to fester and escalate. Friends saw the changes and mentioned them to me, but no one mentioned it to him. Hence, I remained 'the bitch trying get between him and his brother.'

When his he decided to leave me, his brother helped him 'plan it.' Our financial situation was in distress and I asked him to get a job. He went to see his brother, who told him to joint the National Guard Reserves. There was a lot of lip service for a few months there about how he was doing it for our family, etc, etc, in order to quash my protests. It turns out, that as long as he is 'Active Duty' he can't be called for a paternity test. So he got to leave, and not pay child support.

When I had to apply for assistance ffom the state, I made the mistake of telling them what happened between us, and I was advised to file a Domestic Violence Injunction. There was no mediator to try to bring us together to talk. All the advice I got was to make one adversarial move after another, which just incited more anger.

After 18 months of longing for intervention, either to reunify our family or at least get him to take responsibility for the boys, he's shipping off to Iraq tomorrow and I'm left feeling sad and angry. Sad that I cannot support him, angry that I want to though he cares nothing at all for me our our children.

And in cases where the woman is abused, or neglected by the man, there is no way for her to get him counseling to stop the abuse and try to build the family unit to be strong and happy. There are no 'domestic violent interventions' as there are 'drugs and alchohol' abusers.

We have seen an alarming increase in the number of 'domestic violence' cases in recent years. Many of these cases are real, and there is no choice but to separate because there is no way to make the abuser get help to solve the problem that's causing the issue. The law views 'domestic' violence as a 'civil' matter and therefore does not make provisions for ordering the 'rehabilitation' that a drug or alchohol offender would be ordered to participate in. So there is no hope of ending the abuse and the separation or divorce is imminent. This gives these lawyers and DCF, CSE and more, incentive to exploit this opportunity to use it to CREATE the 'adversarial' stances that are certain to enusre the destruction of the relationship and the family unit.

I am a proponent of mandated family counseling and family crisis intervention programs as a check and balance system to keep the profiteering lawyers, CSE, and DCF out of the family unit situation until every effort to reunify the family is explored.

The Song

2009-05-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Song..

Now this here's a story bout a Private named Santerre
A deadbeat Dad in the Army that doesn't care
With two little boys at home he's goin off to war
And the two little boys
are standing at the door

Deadbeat, Dad that is.

A nice little act that the military passed
Let's him leave his son's behind
And all his money stashed

Without an order for support
Sargeant says he cannot help
But Sargeant covers up
and helps him hide his happy self.

Deadbead, Dad that is.

An Active duty man
Is exempt from dna
Go Active!
Volunteer! they say

Deadbeat, Military that is.

His kids dont' need to eat
For the year he's in Iraq
So I guess the government
Can Pick up the slack...

Food Stamps. Welfare that is.

When his year is up
IF he survives
Re-up! They say
Your kids don't need to thrive

Poor little Private
Wants sympathy for him
Cause he's goin off to war
And Daddy is now "Jim"

Though. Shit that is.

He wasn't drafted
He made the choice
And he hid from his kids
Who don't have a voice.

The Military says it won't put up with deadbeat dads
But then they pass a law
That says he isn't Dad

Florida National Guard Gets Black Eye- Protecting A Deadbeat Dad

2009-05-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

For 18 months I have battled Child Support Enforcement in the state of Florida to serve my children's father with child support papers. They have hemmed and hawed, and stalled, and given me innaccurate and incomplete advice and in the end, I had to be the one to solve THEIR problem before they would file.

Three months ago, when I finally did get their problem solved for them, they were now free to serve him. On May 19, after three months of waiting to hear, I called for a status update. It turns out that they called his Sargeant to get an address to serve him on May 4,2009. As of May 19, 2009, the "Sargeant" had not returned their phone calls.

Here's where it gets weird. On May 14th, 2009, the ex himself called Child Support Enforcement and told them he was leaving for Iraq in a week. This also turned out to b a lie. Did his Sargeant call him and advise him to call CSE and say he is going to Iraq to avoid returning the call and providing an address to serve him at? It certainly would appear so to me.

If the Sargeant had time to call the soldier, and advise him of the call, shouldn't that time have been spent calling Child Support Enforcement back to give an address?

Finally, On May 21, 2009, the attorney for Child Support Enforcement filed the papers and on Friday morning, the "Deadbeat Dad" got served.

Most women would be ecstatic. It would seem like the end was near. Oops. Foul ball. Ready for the kicker?

The son of a bitch leaves for Iraq on Tuesday, May 26, 2009. Not enough time to get a hearing set. Wasn't it just wonderful of his Sargeant to not call CSE back?

And here's the cherry on the cake that has been my life with this man. The "Servicemen's Civil Relief Act," formerly known as the SSCRA, protects soldiers and sailors from certain civil suits during any time of "Active Duty."

The act also says that if he has leave available, he has to use it to appear in court.

The act goes on to say that if it is a proceeding where the soldiers and sailors presence is not required, then there will be no stay granted.

Furthermore, the act states that it may not be used to escape obligations that the soldier or sailor flouted in civilian life.

1.) He is only leaving NOW... he'll have 'leave time' within the next year.
2.) His DNA is ON FILE with the military. In all reality he doesn't need to be here for the proceedings.
3.) He abandoned his children and thier mother, penniless, destitute and homeless. I would say he's been 'flouting his obligations' since the day he did that. It's time the 'flouting' STOPPED.

Of course, I have the 'wanna-be' attorney contracted by Child Support Enforcement and The Florida Department of Revenue, so this moron will probably ignore the 'loopholes' as he did with my 'marital status' problem and just 'wait' like they did for that, to resolve itself.

Deadbeat Dad has 20 days to respond to the petition. If he doesn't respond at all, there's a chance we may not even get a default becuase he's 'at war.'

If he does respond, it may be to cite the act and try to escape for yet another year.

Now my next order of business is to make certain that a 'hearing' IS set to argue against the use of the SSCRA- that is, IF he doens't just 'cowboy up' and do the right thing for once in his life.

If that doesn't work, I'll have to play my trump card and it's a big risk if I do it, but we'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, women, if you have a child with a man and you even think that there might be a possibility, no matter how remote, that he is going to go into the military, you better put his command on notice that he has children, you better establish paternity, and if you live in Florida, you better get the legal education about child support quick. The law is not on your side, and Child Support Enforcement is a joke.

Does The Florida Army National Guard Protect Deadbeat Dads?

2009-05-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

If you've been following this blog, you know that my name is Vanessa Blais and I am a single mom fighting for child support for my children, among other family issues, such as 'Family Crisis Intervention" and "Mandated Family Counseling Even Without Marriage", however, this article is about to expose a serious cover-up by the Florida National Guard to protect Deadbeat Dads.

My particular case was probably one for the law books had it been handled by private attorney's instead of the joke of a law firm that is contracted by CSE and the DOR to handle support cases. A law dating back to the 1800's prevented me from suiing my children's father for child support because I was 'legally married' to someone else. During the time that I spent fighting this particular circumstance, the childrens father attended Boot Camp, AIT, and Jump School during which the boys and I, as his 'dependents' would have been entitled to an 'alottment.' However, because a child support order would include a judgement for all of the 'back child support owed' between the time he left and the time it went to court, the 'Deadbeat Dad' in question, refused to sign either of our children's birth certificates because that judgement could have been used to gonoshier that bonus.

When our second child was born, the "Deadbeat Dad" in question requested leave time from AIT to come home to see his son, thus acknowledging to the military that he is the father. However, he still refused to sign their birth certificates to provide for us, and I was still not divorced from my 'now' ex-husband. When the "deadbeat dad" in question finished his training, he returned home and said, in front of a witness, that he would not sign their birth certificates because he "didn't want (me) serving him with child support papers while he doesn't have a job."

In March of 2009, the divorce, with the wording that CSE demands, was final and it was time to serve the Deadbeat Dad in question. On May 19, 2009, after not having heard back from CSE, I called for an update. I discovered that on May 4,2009, a 'message' was left for the Deadbeat Dads Sargeant to call CSE to provide an address for service on said Deadbeat Dad. As of May 19, 2009, said Sargeant had not bothered to return CSE's phone calls.

Here's where this gets weird. On May 14, 2009, the Deadbeat Dad HIMSELF, placed a call to CSE to inform them that he would be leaving for Iraq the following week. It would seem that 'said' Sargeant not only informed the Deadbeat Dad about the phone call, but even advised the Deadbeat to call CSE himself and try to 'brush them off' with the "Iraq story." Which, as of today, looks to be untrue.

The last time I spoke with said "Deadbeat Dad" in early May, he told me that he was going to 'mobilization' and that he would be leaving for Iraq in June. Said "Deadbeats" mother, has 'implied' that he is already IN Iraq, and today, CSE informed me, that from what they have been able to ascertain, he will be leaving for Iraq, 'next week.'

I have been promised a new update as of tomorrow, May 21,2009, but as of right now, I'm still in the same limbo I have been living in for the past year and a half. But at least I am beginning to see what the "military" does about "Deadbeat Dads." It helps them BE "Deadbeat Dads."

Marriage costs Tampa Bay Woman child support for 18 months

2009-05-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

Most people think that being married gives you more legal rights than being unmarried. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Imagine being married and realizing one day, that you just are not in love. You end your marriage very amicably, without drama, and you aren't hateful, so you don't 'rush' into a divorce that will ensure 'financial devastation.' Then you meet someone else and it's love at first sight. You have a child. Two years later, that relationship ends in hate, bitterness and financial devastation. Then try to get child support from the 'biological father.' You won't. The state of Florida will attempt to hang the responsibility of support on your innocent spouse.

My name is Vanessa Blais. I live in Port Richey, Florida. For nine years I was married to a good man who never did anything to hurt anyone. Although he is a great guy, he just was not the right guy for me. The Child Support Enforcement people however, have decided that should be held responsible for the children I had with another man after the husband and I separated.

An arhcaic law on Florida's books, that dates back to the 1800's, states that if a woman is married when she gives birth to a child, the husband is the 'legal father' regardless of whether they are separated or even living in separate homes. There is absolutely no provision set in place within the Child Support Enforcement guidelines for dealing with a situation such as this.

"Child Support Enforcement refused to even acknowledge the existence of the man who is in fact the biological father of the children. They wasted over a year 'waiting' on me to get a divorce that they advised me to get without serving either of the men in question. Three separate free consultations with private attorney's advised me that the quickest course of action would be to serve both men at the same time, however, Child Support Enforcement summarily dismissed that option with a flippant 'We don't do that' response.

Since Novermber of 2007, I have been trying to get my children's biological father served with papers for paternity and child support. To add insult to injury, he is in the Florida U.S. Army National Guard Reserves. The military is supposed to be the one place that "Deadbeat Dad's" can't hide, right? Wrong.

After a year and a half of getting the 'divorce' per the 'legal advice' I was given by my local Child Support Enforcement Office in Port Richey, Florida, and getting the 'correct' wording in it too, the time has come to serve the Deadbeat Dad. According to Child Support Enforcement's Customer Service line, they contacted his "Sargeant" on May 4,2009 for an address for service.

As of May 19,2009, the "Sargeant" had not returned their phone call. However, on May 14, 2009, the Deadbeat Dad himself called Child Support Enforcement to inform them that he would be going to Iraq the next week. It seems he cannot be served while he is overseas.

On May 20, 2009, the update I got from the Florida Department of Revenue, who oversees Child Support Enforcement, states that he may not in fact be leaving for Iraq for yet another week, giving us time to serve him, and has finally produced an address too.

On May 19, I started calling the DOR when CSE informed me that they 'tried' to serve him but could not get 'confirmation' from the post office that he lives at the address provided to them and the "Sargeant" had not called back to confirm his address either. When I called DOR, I was furious. He has a driver's license, serve him at whatever address is on it. If he claims he never 'got the summons' that's too bad, just as it is with anyone else who gets a summons to appear in court.

This has finally resulted in some action, and I should get another update tomorrow. Meanwhile, I will now explore the "Miliatary Protecting Deadbeat Dads" problem that I have seen during this circus of a simple child support case.

Internet Marketing Secrets Unlocked -

2009-05-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Moms,
I have found an awesome new deal for you.

Want to make your buyer jump right to the payment button? Or how to do a product launch so successful that you’ll still be ranking in the dough months or years down the road? These tips and more are all inside this ebook just waiting for you to get your hands on them!

6 Simple Steps To Filing For Child Support, Without A Lawyer And Regardless of Your Circumstances

2009-04-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

My name is Vanessa Blais, and I have the most convoluted child support story I think anyone is ever going to hear. I was married to a good man for nine years. We had a very nice life and we were good friends. But no matter how hard we tried, we just were not in love. And so, we split up. It was very amicable and we were in no rush to get divorced.
Along came the love of my life. He wanted a baby. He insisted. When our son was 18 months, Dear Old Deadbeat Dad joined the military, against my wished. When our son was 22 months old, Dear Old Deadbeat Dad, walked out, leaving us destitute. I was also 2 and half months pregnant with our second child.
Because I was still legally married, the state of Florida considered my husband the children's father. But child support enforcement did not file for a paternity test. Instead, they advised me to get divorced. I did. I brought the divorce papers back to the agency and was told to wait. Four months later, I go back, and I am told that the wording in the divorce papers is not good enough. It only excludes my ex husband as the 'biological' father, and not the 'legal father'.
So, six months later, when my ex husbands lawyer FINALLY gets the papers done RIGHT...

The boys father is ACTIVE DUTY in the US Army National Guard.

HE is protected from a paternity suit under the Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act of 1949. Now there are exceptions to this, but Child Support Enforcement is just going to use it as another reason to stall taking any action.

If I want any real action, I need to find the loopholes and file the suit. I had a couple of 'free consultations' with attorneys, but they don't actually tell you what the plan is to get over the hurdles, they sell you on providing a retainer fee to them. So I had to start digging. One attorney even told me that we could 'fast track' the case by asking to go before the General Magistrate. Turns out, he was either wrong or lying. Thank God I DIDN'T have the $4,000 this guy wanted for the retainer fee.

I even went so far as to post on the lawyers.com message board. What a disgusting joke that board is. The first lawyer who responded to my question replied with santctimonious disdain for me because I didn't get divorced before I had my son. The second lawyer to reply replied with 'you have a lot to overcome, I suggest you get the retainer fee together.' And finally, a third lawyer told me that I had to 'reopen the lawsuit.' He was referring to my divorce and finally said it had to be 'modified.' I guess he meant, change the wording. That would have ended the 'legal father issue' but I still didn't know what to do about the 'Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act" that the children's dad was using to shield his responsibilites to us.

Finally, yesterday, April 24, 2009, I called the General Magistrate and asked them what to do. It took the "20 Questions Game" but I did finally get the answers. So, here is 18 months of research struggle compressed into EXACTLY what you need to do get that child support.

1.) Make a list of the problems
2.) Call every single family law attorney in town, and set an appointment with every single one of them. Take your list of questions, and ask every question of every attorney. Write every answer down.
3.) Visit your local law library. Ask the law librarian for help researching cases with problems like yours.
4.) Call The General Magistrate
5.) File the papers yourself. Don't depend on Child Support Agencies or DCF. They do not have your best interests at heart. They have their own job security at heart. The longer your file sits on someone's desk, the more demand there is for their jobs.
6.) Use the power of the pen. Write to your local newspaper about any legal barriers that are getting in your way of collecting child support. Write to your legislators and your state representatives.

Mom's need to get proactive about child support. Lawyers wrote laws to make it so that enforcing something so basic as 'parental responsibility' will costs thousands of dollars in reatainer fees, something a single mom rarely has.

The Best Financial Help For Single Mom's- The Deadbeat Dads List

2009-04-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

The best financial help for single mom's is the deadbeat dad's list. If he's not going to pay child support anyway, he might as well go to jail where he can be prevented from breeding any more children he wont' support.

Lawywers are calling for 'equal parenting.' But there is no 'equality' in the financial obligation. The absentee parent is only responsible for paying 30% of INCOME in support. In the case of the 'minimum wage' job seeker, that equates to about 1/100th of what it costs to actually RAISE the child(ren).

Equal parenting should be equal financial responsibility as well. In the case of the 'absentee' parent who abandoned the family unit, more than half of the cost of 'raising the children' should be that parents burden to effectively 'equalize' that area of parental responsibility in which he or she is lacking.

Making Your First Million Online

2009-04-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Do you have what it takes to become a millionaire using the Internet? Terry Telford will point you in the right direction to develop the millionaire mindset necessary to succeed with some helpful lessons he learnt over the years.

Another Great Offer For Making Extra Money

2009-04-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Whether you are new to the world of Internet Marketing or just need a refresher after being away for a while, this ebook covers all the important basics that you need to know before venturing into the world of IM.

As always, the cost is only a donation of any amount you wish.

I got behind on this blog, but I'm back with some great stuff

2009-04-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ok... so, since this blog is about Financial Help For Single Moms, I guess the best first thing I can offer you is some information about how you can make some extra cash on the Internet. Now, when I first started out trying to make money online, I was completely taken in by the hundreds upon hundreds of ways that there are to actually make money online. From online jobs, to virtual assistants, to having your own Internet business. And even each of those had different options. It was quite confusing for a while. But in the end, I decided that an online business was the right way to go for me. It gave me the most control over my time and my income and was actually in fact, even easier than a job. So, in my search for great offers for my blog readers, I have come across 47 training videos for Internet Marketing newbies.

New to Internet Marketing? Let this set of 47 videos show you the basics, from how to choose a domain name that search engines will love and more!

And as promised.. the cost is a donation. Whatever you can afford.. just make your donation and in the Paypal instructions, write the message "47 Newbie Videos" and I will personally email to the email address that your paypal donation comes from.

National Single Parents Day- Single Parents Every Day

2009-03-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, March 21, 2009, was National Single Parents Day. By the time I found out about it, I was already deeply buried in some projects I was working on and it's just been bugging me that I missed an opportunity to bring attention to this very important day with this blog. Single parenting has got to be the number one most difficult job on the planet. I know it's a daily struggle for me. I have two tiny ones, a 3 year old and a 10 month old, so if I have a night where the baby doesn't sleep, then I don't sleep, but come 8 am, the three year old is going to be up and there's no Daddy here to say, "I'll take care of the boys, you just get some rest."

I have worked hard to bring financial stability to my own family, and I work hard to try to help give more financial assistance to single mom's in the best ways I know how, so some days being a single mom is just the hardest thing on Earth to do. One of the reasons I started this blog was to bring financial help to single mom's, but it's also a great way for me to 'rant' when I need to. Which I don't really do that often.

I'm blessed to have a little bit of knowledge about how to make money online on demand, and I try to share that information with as many other mom's as I can. Some mom's may want a different kind of business though, and need start up money to get it going, which is why I offer as much information as I can about free grant money, which is exceptionally helpful for moms to start businesses or go back to school.

I was so bogged down in a new project that I just did not have the time to think of anything special I could do for Single Parent's Day, but it's been bugging me because I wanted to do something about it. And then it hit me! You know what? EVERY DAY should be Single Parents Day. Every day someone should be able to come to this blog, and either get financial assistance for single mom's, or give it.

So I am dedicating this post to a "Single Parents Day" Special Reciprocal Offer

Make A Donation of $1.00-$5.00 We'll set up a free blog for you

Make A Donation of $5.00-$25.00 Get A Link To Your Blog From Our Blog
Plus We'll Populate Your Blog With Up To Ten Articles For You

Make A Donation of $25.00 or More, and Get Up To One Week of One On One Consulting With An Internet Business Expert We've Teamed Up With To Help YOU Start Making Money Online.

What do the Mom's Get?

We decided that we don't want your donations going to some big organization that has to cover all of it's administrative costs before they start helping anyone, leaving very little left over to really provide any kind of financial help for single moms. So any mom who needs help can come here, and post in the comments section of the blog. They must state how much they need, and provide a single mom survival tip or story for other mom's to benefit from. On the 1st of each month of the years, the best story will be given a donation equal to or less than the requested amount, depending on how much was brought in in donations that month. The entries will be judged on comments to the stories from the whole community. Overall positive tone, overall positive response from the community.

And to top it off, each day, starting Monday, March 23, 2009, we Will feature a new offer that you can purchase for any donation price you wish to donate.

Here's to Single Parents Every Day!

Financial Help For Single Mom's,- Moms Make Money With Blogs

2009-03-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

If you need financial help for single moms, consider starting a Moms Make Money Blog. Simply put, a Mom's Make Money With Blogs blog is a blog that can offer financial assistance for other single Mom's by giving all kinds of tips and tricks for moms to make money online. There are hundreds of ways for mom's to make money on the Internet and showing them how can be a great way for you to make some money while helping others do the same.

Some of the ways to make money online are free, and some are very inexpensive to start up, so for a single mom who needs to earn a little extra cash, these resources can help to give a little breathing room in the budget. Blogging is only one way to make money online, and here we'll discuss the different ways you can produce an income from your blog.

The first way to make money from your blog is through Adsense. Adsense is a Google program that places small ads on your blog from advertisers. If your blog visitors click on the ads, you make a little money. Google has a few other money programs too, and you can find out all about working with Google and partnering with Google from a free CD they supply to help you learn all about their program, and all you pay is $2.29 for the shipping and handling for it.

The next way to make money from a blog is by building a list that you can market products and services too. You simply give your visitors a free report or ebook about something you think would interest them in exchange for your name and email address, and then, you email them with offers for things they might be interested in. This results in commissions for you for selling the product for the product owner/creator.

Ebay is a great way to make money online and if you start a blog about certain ebay listings, you can make great commissions as an ebay affiliate as well as by selling dropshipped products that you yourself list (and showing others how to do it too). Dropshipping is just finding a good dropshipper who has inventory and you making the ebay listing to sell it. Once the product is sold at the auction, the dropshipper ships it directly to the customer. Some dropshipping companies have bad reputations though, so you need to be careful about who you do business with. The number one recommneded dropshipping company is Doba. They offer a complete online database of products they have in stock, as well as support staff to help you know what to list and when to make the most money.

If you want to have a work at home job, you can also use Home Sourcing. Home Sourcing provides a comprehensive list of legitimate work at home jobs. So even if you have a job, no doubt the loss of your partners income has put a financial strain on your purse strings, and these opportunities can offer you a chance to earn some extra cash while not sacrificing some 'at home time' with your precious little ones.

Obama's Stimulus Package- What Does It Mean For Single Moms

2009-03-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

There have always been grants and other types of financial assistance for single moms. With President Barack Obama's new stimulus package, more and more people are starting to look at grants as an alternative means for raising capital for going to school, starting up a business, or even paying basic living expenses.

Today, President Obama released a statement about what the stimulus package is going to do for small businesses. The Stimulus package calls for the Treasury Department to buy up $15 Billion dollars in securities in an effort to free up money for the SBA to make more small business loans.

The plan also includes a temporary elimination of upfront fees for certain types of SBA loans, and also includes more tax relief for small business. President Obama's Stimulus package is based on small businesses being the backbone of the American economy.

Historically, SBA loans, like government grants, have never been applied for by 90% of U.S. businesses. The process is complicated and many small business owners lack the resources for creating a proper business plan or apply for a grant, but new software programs have made it easier to create business plans and apply for grants.

Word From a Mom Who Once Needed Financial Help For Single Moms

2009-03-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Sister Single Mom,

Welcome to Financial Help For Single Mom's, my blog dedicated to helping you rebuild your life. Since most relationships end over financial problems, it stands to reason that if you're recently suffered a separation, you probably have some money problems and financial help for single mom's is exactly what you need to get back on track.
Financial help for single mom's comes in many forms. Welfare assistance, scholarships for school, subsidized daycare, grants for starting a business and going to school, and so much more. There are so many options available, like legitimate work at home jobs, that just putting together a system for utilizing them all can be a job. So I've created this blog to try to help you organize and prioritize what you need to do.
I found myself a single mother during a financial crisis in my family. I was also pregnant at the time, and suffering from a severe case of postpartum depression following the birth of my first child. I was emotionally and financially distraught to say the least, and trying to find a job while pregnant was nigh on impossible, compounded by the fact that working would have taken a toll on my already weakened and fragile mental state. My first was only 22 months old and though I got subsidized daycare for him, the hours didn't mesh with any job, so I needed to find a way to earn an income. I found it by starting my own small online business. I now have approximately 20 websites that, altogether, earn a decent passive monthly income, and I provide several online services, such as writing and Virtual assistant work that give us extra money when needed or wanted.
If you have found yourself a single mom, struggling for financial help for single mom's and support and guidance, I am here to be your friend, mentor and guide. I will keep comments on this blog enabled so that you can always ask me anything you wish and I will reply. There are 5 steps you need to take toward achieving financial stability are located in the sidebar of this blog and they are:

1.) Sign Up For My "Financial Help For Single Mom's Newsletter." It's 100% FREE and I send you new information as I find it straight to your email.

2.) Get a FREE pre-paid credit card. Just fill out one page with your name and address, (no social security number or bank account information will be asked for.

3.)Get A Free CD on Government Grants, it's $2.29 for the shipping and handling, but the CD is free and it's also free to apply for grants.

4.) Get the Google Money CD, $1.97 for the shipping and handling. This CD will give you the solid foundation you need to learn how to make money with Google.

5.) Read my book "The Single Mom's Survival Guide." This book will give you a lot more than just 'financial help for single mom's.' It offers you emotional support, ideas on coping with the stress of being a single parent, pointers on where to get all kinds of free stuff for you and your family, and most importantly, ways to re-establish yourself and pick up the pieces after a break up. It even has a section on helping your kids cope with the split. You can download this book free HERE.

Financial Help For Single Moms- Credit Repair

2009-03-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

A credit repair agency advertises that it can help you repair bad credit so that you will qualify for that loan you need to buy a new car or take a vacation. However, you do have to be careful when engaging the services of one of these agencies because many of them will not provide you with any information. In fact, that is all you can hope for with a credit repair agency because you are the only one that can repair your bad credit.

If you contact a credit counseling agency, you will get valuable advice. However, you should not have to pay for this service. There is a wealth of information available on the Internet to help you with your credit problems and even workbooks that you can download for free. Instead of spending your hard earned money paying for advice from a credit repair agency, there are many tips and techniques that you can get free.

The main advice you about helping you to repair your credit is that you do need to request a free copy of your credit report. There are three major credit agencies that have a file on you and your borrowing habits. By law you are entitled to one free report a year and everyone should review his/her credit report at least once a year to make sure there are no mistakes. When you contact a credit repair agency, you may get a free report, but you might also have to sign up and pay for credit counselling services.

If you are having a difficult time keeping your credit in check and find yourself in over your head, then you might benefit from the services of a credit counselling agency. If you are contemplating bankruptcy, the people at these agencies can come up with ways to help you prevent this. The counselling agencies have people trained in dealing with creditors and will negotiate with them to take a lower amount of payment. They can also help you negotiate a debt consolidation loan, which will pay off your outstanding accounts. Just keep in mind that this type of credit repair agency cannot wipe any items from your credit report.

You can take charge of doing your own credit repair without having to resort to using a credit repair agency. If you are really determined to bring up your credit scores, you can start by making a conscientious effort to make all your payments on time. Maybe a consolidation loan is the route you should take. If you are just being remiss with sending in your payments and are not having any financial difficulty, you will just be wasting your money with a credit repair agency. Once you start taking charge of your finances, your credit rating will soon start to rise.

Do you really need a commercial credit repair agency? Probably not.

Financial Help For Single Moms- Home Business Ideas

2009-03-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

Here are some excellent businesses that you can start, operate and grow from your home. All these work at home businesses have the following desirable features:

**Low Startup Costs
**Ease of Entry
**High Income Potential
**Home Based and Operated
**Worldwide Sales Potential
**Residual, Recurring and/or Passive Income Potential

1. Consulting

A consultant is someone expert in a field who, for a fee, advises businesses or individuals on various matters of concern.

Many times we tend to feel that our knowledge, skills or abilities are nothing unique. However, many lack those same assets and would gladly pay us for our knowledge and services.

Although it is possible to make a living from consulting with individuals, the big money is in performing services for businesses.

Do you have knowledge of bookkeeping, accounting, tax or similar business matters? Some have made excellent money specializing in small business consulting.

Are you a computer hobbyist with business or internet experience? You could make money in web design, internet marketing, search engine optimization, or some other specialty.

Some lawyers have combined their legal experience with their love of the Internet and specialized in intellectual property and computer law.

2. Finding

A finder is someone who, for a fee, finds something needed by a business or individual. A finder`s fee is the amount paid to the finder for locating what was required.

Finder`s fees are paid for finding money (loans, equipment leasing, et cetera), equipment (mining, construction, et cetera), personnel, companies for sale, locations (fast food franchises, vending machines, et cetera) and just about anything else that people are willing to pay for.

Simply match sellers with buyers and you can earn finder`s fees.

3. Auctions

An auction is an event where items are sold to the highest bidders. An internet auction, online auction or e-auction is an auction where you can buy and sell items on the Internet.

Many thousands now make their living or fortune from selling products and services on eBay and similar auction sites. So can you!

4. Drop Shipping

Drop shipping is a method of selling products without stocking inventory yourself. When you make a sale you contact the manufacturer or authorized distributor who ships it to the customer with your invoice and shipping label. Advantages include no warehousing, shipping, or inventory costs.

5. Affiliate Programs

An affiliate or associate program is a method of selling products on the internet through commission sales. When someone you refer to a website buys, the company you are an associate of (or affiliated with) pays you a commission.

In many cases, it is also possible to make money from the efforts of people that you introduce to the affiliate program. You can also expand your product line by joining and promoting more than one affiliate program.

6. Webmastering

A webmaster is a an internet specialist reponsible for all aspects of web sites.

Areas where businesses need assistance include web site design, logo, banner or graphic design, web hosting, e-commerce, internet marketing, web programming, scripts, security, web site maintenance, copy writing, mailing list management, and many other areas.

7. Self-publishing

A self-publisher creates, produces, and sells information products. Information products may be in the form of books, booklets, videos, audio cassettes, compact disks (CDs), electronic books, files, databases, private websites, and other media.

The information products that you create are unique. You have exclusive control and ownership of your own products.

8. Instant Publishing

An instant publisher sells information products produced by someone else who grants them reprint (or resale) rights. Often self-publishers will sell such products to complement their own information products.

9. International Trade

International trade involves importing and exporting. Importing involves buying goods and services from suppliers in another country. Exporting involves selling goods and services to customers in another country.

10. Mail Order

Mail order is a method of conducting business through the mail. Goods and services can be sold through direct mail (and also via catalogues, magazines, newspapers, radio, television, web sites, and other media). Customers can order by mail or by other means (fax, telephone, internet, et cetera). Delivery of orders can be made by mail or alternative means (such as by courier for physical goods or by fax, e-mail, telephone, or electronic files for information).

Finding Additional Support for your Home Business

2009-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

You might wonder although you really want to start a business, where could you find support for your home business when you have limited start up costs to begin a whole new business? There are many ways to work around this. Here are a few options you can consider.

Consider a loan from a family member. While all family loans are not created equal, you never know who will be your biggest supporter in your new business venture and would gladly loan you a small amount of money for your business start-up.

Investigate small business loans that cater to women and home businesses. Some grants are also available (and you don't have to pay them back!) You must be prepared to undergo credit and reference checks, attend business classes, and disclose financial aspects of your personal and business life.

Try and save in other areas of your life. Not a coupon person? Start using coupons and put the total amount you save with each grocery trip into a special "new business fund". Do you order takeout a couple times a week? Cut back to once a week or once every other week, and put that money into your "new business fund" too.

In addition to financing of your home business you need a bit of advice and tips to get you going. Operating your business without a computer will put you at an immediate disadvantage. They are simply too valuable as a time-saving tool. There are plenty of resources on the internet offering support for your home business. These provide handy information with tips and advice, ideas and many more….

You cannot be an expert on everything. Get assistance early from as many sources as possible. Talk to people who have similar experiences on doing a home business. Talk to your friends, family and who have succeeded in doing home business. Start networking now! The friendships and alliances you build now could become extremely useful in the future when you launch your business.

Seminars dealing with "special topics" have actually been around for decades, and are an older form of marketing and information exchanges. Seminars are simply a group of people coming together for the discussion and learning of specific techniques and topics. There are a wealth of knowledge usually, presented by many speakers at one time in one place. A lot of "learning" at one clip, with most material compressed into two or three days' worth of time.

So don’t put off starting your own home business - by investigating some of these alternatives, you may discover that you really can afford to start your own business!

Financial Help For Single Mom's- How To Finance Your Small Business Start Up

2009-03-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

It all starts with a great idea, an idea that has probably been in your mind for a long time. You have the product sorted out, how you are going to deliver your service, where you are going to set up your office and how you are going to market your new business. But the stumbling block always seems to be the finance to get you going.

Finding the finance to get a small business off the ground is a major issue for any potential small business. Some new businesses lend themselves to very little start up capital because the main selling point is the owner’s skills and knowledge, for example consultants, web designers, PR specialists. Businesses which require stock holding, plant and equipment and other investment, face the real challenge of getting their start up finance together.

So what sources can you tap into to ensure your business gets off to a solid start?

Your Savings

The first port of call! If you have been in employment for some time then before going it alone you should hopefully have some spare cash behind you. Whether this be in the form of cash in a savings account or shares and unit trusts, this is a good start to your fund raising exercise.

You can be more focused in saving cash if you have had the goal of setting up your own business for awhile. Knowing you need to save to get your business off the ground will make sure you don’t spend your future nest egg on unnecessary items. Whilst a new Plasma TV or the latest DVD Recorder may seem to be an essential purchase, knowing that you have a business to set up in the future will be sufficient a deterrent to keep the cheque book firmly locked away!

Keep Your Job

Some business owners are lucky enough that during the early days of the business they can keep the day job while working on the business during the evenings and weekends. This has two benefits. Firstly, they are still earning thereby allowing more time to build up a cash reserve. Secondly, it’s an opportunity to test out the business to make sure there is a market. There are legitimate work at home jobs that can offer you some amount of freedom to pursue your business venture while still offering the security of a steady paycheck too.

Make sure that you can realistically keep both balls in the air at the same time otherwise you will end up doing justice to neither your job or your new business. The support of your family is also essential if you are to follow this strategy. They have to accept that what used to be ‘family time’ may have to take a back seat until you decide to concentrate on the business full time.

Family and Friends

These can be a useful source of finance for any start up. If you have harboured ambitions to run your business for some time, then many of your family and friends are already likely to know about your idea. You should therefore have an indication who is for it and who is against it.

If you haven’t shared your secret desire then it’s time to be slightly devious! If you are in the early planning stages start drip feeding your ideas to key people whom you think are likely to support you. Tell them your ideas, share your ambitions and goals and on a regular basis update them with your progress. The plan is to get them sold on you and your future business at an early stage.

Once you get to the point where you are ready to start asking for contributions hold an Investor Evening. Prepare a presentation outlining your plans, the business, the market etc. Show the potential investors what their return will be in recognition for supporting you.

Invite as many people as you can and promise an interesting and fun evening, Be bold at the very start; tell them exactly why they are there, so there are no misunderstandings. After you have done your presentation gather all the names of the people who may want more information or even a one-to-one with you.

Whilst this group are people who know you and so are more likely to trust you, don’t forget that you are developing a very different relationship which can quickly turn sour. Be prepared for rocky times!

Bank Line of Credit or Loan

Now you’re getting into the serious stuff! Getting support from a Bank for a new business is tough, as many entrepreneurs will testify. One sneaky way is to apply for an unsecured loan while you are still in employment. If you have planned things right you will know when you are starting up, so a few months before you pack your job in, apply for a loan based on your salary. However, make sure that you can comfortably meet the repayments. There is no grace period; you will be expected to pay back immediately, so your business will have to start earning very quickly.

The alternative is a business line of credit facility. There is no fixed repayment date, although they will be for periods from 6 to 12 months, and all you have to do is ensure that you keep within the overdraft limit. You will have to write a business plan to present to the Bank which outlines your idea and the business.

Mortgage or Equity Release

With the way house prices have been increasing over the last few years, the vast majority of people now have substantial equity in their homes. The cheaper alternative to a Bank overdraft or loan is a mortgage. The interest rate is lower and, as the repayments are spread over a longer period, the monthly repayment is less (although you will end up paying more interest in the long run).

The disadvantage of raising cash this way is that your home is potentially at risk. If meeting the monthly repayments is dependent on what the business can generate then a slow start could cause cash problems. So be very sure you can meet the repayments even during a lean period. Incedentally, if your break up has caused you to fall into financial disorder regarding your mortgage, make sure that you start the Loan Modification Process immediately, losing your home is the last thing you want to do right. Likewise, you can also sell your home for cash, if you were planning to move anyway.
Credit Cards

If you haven’t got any savings, can’t get support from family or friends, or a Bank loan or mortgage, then there are your credit cards! However, whilst it’s easy to draw down on your card, be wary! Credit cards are the most expensive form of debt.

They are ideal because all you may have to do is pay the minimum amount but card debt, as most people have found out, can be a long term burden. But, if you need a cash lump sum to kick start the business and you know you can pay it off within a few months, then it’s an alternative source of finance worth considering, if somewhat unorthodox!

Business Grants

Business grants are available for specific industries, sectors and reasons. Grant providers will usually only give a portion of your requirement, so they cannot be used to totally finance a start up. However, they can be useful in filling a funding gap.

Business Angels

A popular way to fund a business are Business Angels. These are people, usually retired or successful business people in their own right, who are looking for opportunities to invest in new businesses.

In exchange for an investment they will typically look for a shareholding in the business and some hands-on involvement. They will have a vast business experience and so are useful people to have on board. However, you will have to accept an element of loss of control but that needs to be balanced against your desire for funding.

Getting finance for your new business can be a challenge but there are a number of avenues to explore and so with dedication and focus you could soon be on your way to launching your own small business.

Financial Help For Single Mom's- A Small Business Can Help A Lot

2009-03-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Small business is a term that is used day-to-day. That is because in the past decade the rise of small business has been larger than in any other decade prior. This is largely due to the increasing number of services that are available to small business owners, to enable them to keep their business running.

There really isn't any guidelines for when the term small business is used, however it is simply defined as a business which has a small number of employees. How few employees is debatable, and the definition of when a business changes from a small business to a larger corporation varies both by country and industry. This number is generally less then 100 employees.

As mentioned before small businesses due to their nature, are in most times sole proprietorships, partnerships, or privately owned. Common in may countries, small businesses, are most oftenly related to: accountants, restaurants, guest houses, photographers, small shops, hairdressers, tradesmen, solicitors, lawyers, small-scale manufacturing etc.

Small businesses in often cases are located in private homes, for two main reasons. The first is because it is economical and in most cases convenient. The second reason is that there are several benifits with tax,etc for having your business in your home.

Running a small business is an exciting venture, and a great way to introduce yourself into the business world, and to gain business sense. If you are interested in starting your own small business, I would recommend having a talk with a local lawyer or accountant, who will be able to answer questions that are specific to your local area. Good luck with your new venture!

Playing And Winning The Grant Game.

2009-03-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Depending on what kind of business you’re planning to start, you might be able to get a home business grant. These grants are usually government-issued. They are, effectively, ‘free money’ – as long as you use the money for what you say you’re going to use it for, you don’t ever have to pay it back. Even if you don’t think you would qualify for anything, you might be able to modify your business plan subtly so that you do.

Why Would They Do That?

The money is designed to encourage specific kinds of businesses – it will always be given to you for a very specific purpose. Also, grants almost never cover the full amount of whatever it is you want to do, leaving you to make up the rest yourself. Note that not all grants come from the government -- some are given out by charities trying to further a cause, or by local community organisations.

Areas commonly covered by grants include businesses that are exporting (every government wants exports to be more than imports), businesses that will provide training to their employees, businesses that are doing useful research and businesses that are providing services and jobs in places that are candidates for 'regeneration'. You may also be able to find extra support for environmentally-friendly businesses, and if you're a woman or a member of an ethnic minority then that could qualify you for a grant too.

Training Grants.

Grants for training are some of the best ones out there -- if you're planning to have any staff, you should really look into them. Basically, you get a grant towards the cost of sending some of your employees on a training course. This is good for you, as you can train your employees more cheaply, and they'll do a better job afterwards. It's good for them, as they learn new skills or improve the ones they have and improve their career prospects for the future. Finally, at least in theory, it's good for the economy, as there will be a greater diversity of skills available in the job market.

Research Grants.

If your business is trying to solve a problem or develop an invention, you might be eligible for a research grant. This can be especially helpful for covering the costs of things like patent applications. Watch out, though -- application for research grants is some of the fiercest out there.

Location, Location, Location.

Whatever kind of grant you're going for, the biggest factor in whether you get it will probably be where you're based. Grants tend to be locally-focused, and especially targeted in areas that are deemed to have a lacking economy. Since you're a home business, you might even find it worth researching what is available in each area, and moving home strategically.

It's Hard to Get a Grant.

Beware of anyone who makes grants look easy. There are all sorts of ‘grant agencies’ who want to take a fee, and ‘guarantee’ that they’ll get you a grant. They won’t – as with almost all things like this, never pay up front. However tempting their offer might seem, you should be applying for the grants yourself. This will generally involve submitting your business plan plus a letter of about 1,000 words saying why you should get the grant in question -- you can't really use the same letter for each grant. Pick what you apply for carefully, as it's a waste of time to apply when you don't meet the criteria properly.

If you want to make sure you're applying correctly, the best thing to do is to phone up the organisation offering the grant -- they'll usually be eager to offer help and advice. Still, don't be upset if you don't get chosen, as it might just be that there were more qualifying candidates than there was money.

Other Benefits.

Any grant you get is likely to bring you to the attention of some kind of agency or organisation who want to help you in other ways too. They might help you get onto courses if you're lacking any business skills, or even provide a mentor to guide you. You might think it all sounds a little silly, but believe me, when you run a home business you need all the help you can get.

How to Find Free Government Grant Money

2009-03-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Finding free government grant money can be time and labor intensive. Identifying the specific agencies and their purposes and specific subject areas can involve a lot of research work. Ads that claim the process is easy usually involve some sort of fraud and are untruthful. Government grant money will need to be answered for very specifically in today's world.

Free government grant money does actually come with at a price. It does not have to be repaid, but it does come with strict conditions and restrictions on how it is spent. There are usually strong sanctions involved when used improperly as it is to be used directly for the outlined project and within the objectives of the funding source.

Locating free government grant money for new and existing for-profit businesses is difficult. Typically, the free grant money is given to non-profit organizations that provide some sort of community social service function and benefit everyone. Despite this, it should be noted that there is still free grant money available from the government to entrepreneurs in competitive fields of business.

The U.S. government's grant.gov website would be the best place to look to find available free grant money. Here, you will be able to find and apply for competitive grant opportunities from all federal granting agencies online. The application and approval process is automated to improve the process. The site also offers a free sign up for notification of future grant opportunities.

The government's Catalogue of Federal Domestic Assistance (CFDA) is another source to find free available grant money. The CFDA.gov website lists government grants and assistance for homeowners, renters and even small business start-ups. Grant information is available by category, topic and key words. Eligibility requirements are listed for all grants to determine if you qualify for them.

Keep in mind while searching for free government grant money that it is not available in any specific area year-round. You must apply when advertised and meet a deadline if you want a chance to qualify for it.

Alternative Venture Finance: Federal Grants and Loans

2009-03-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

While most companies seeking venture capital initially think about angel investors and venture capitalists, a large alternative source of financing is federal grants and loans. The two largest federal grant programs are run by the Small Business Administration (SBA), and by Small Business Investment Companies (SBICs).

An SBA loan, regardless of whether it is a direct loan from the SBA, or, as is more common, a bank loan guaranteed by the SBA, is essentially a bank loan. The benefit of it versus a traditional bank loan is the rate. SBA rates are typically much less than traditional business loan rates.

In most cases, in a guaranteed SBA bank loan, the SBA guarantees 90 percent of the loan will be repaid to the bank. As such, banks are at much less risk than in most other loans, and are a bit more flexible with regards to who they offer these loans. However, the SBA usually requires the founders of the company to personally guarantee the loans, which makes them risky should the venture collapse.

Alternatively, Small Business Investment Companies (SBICs) are privately organized corporations that are licensed and regulated by the SBA. Small or emerging businesses which qualify for assistance from the SBIC program can receive equity capital and/or long-term loans from these companies. Essentially, these companies provide their own capital, which is supplemented by federal funds, to the companies they fund.

Interestingly, U.S. taxpayers benefits from the SBIC program as tax revenues generated from successful SBIC investments have more than covered the cost of the program. Likewise the program has created hundreds of thousands of jobs.

In summary, SBA and SBIC financing are viable alternatives to financing from angel investors and venture capitalists and should be considered in the capital raising process. Similarly to angel and VC financing, companies seeking SBA and SBIC financing need a strong management team and value proposition, and a highly professional and compelling business plan in order to raise the capital they need.

Financial Help For Single Mom's

2009-03-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Friend,

I am a single mom and I know exactly what it's like, so I
started my blog to help other single mom's. I want you to know
that each day of being a single mom presents a new challenge for
me, and I'm committed to sharing those challenges, and the
solutions I find for them, on my blog.
Feel free to use the comments section of the blog to ask
questions, or even just to vent. No matter what you are
feeling, joy, happiness, terror, stress, it's all 100% normal
and there is absolutely no judgment from me about anything. To
also drive the no judgment rule home, any post left on that blog
that purports to judge anyone will be instantly deleted.
We single mom's have to stick together and we have to provide
the shoulders for each others to cry on when needed, so no
matter what your situation is, know this, I will firmly stand my
ground on creating a community of support for you.
Now that we have that out of the way, I want to share with
you my 'tips' for helping you get back on your feet. I know
that the number one distress for a single mom is 'finances'.
You and/or your ex may have broken up over money problems, one
or the other of you may have even racked up a good bit of debt,
and you need extra income right now, more than ever.
The best thing you can do right now is to put your ducks in
a row. When I found myself a single mother it was very sudden
and came on the heels of a financial disaster, so I had to do
anything and everything I could to earn a dollar, and since I
was also pregnant with our second, getting a job was akin to
leaping a tall building in a single bound. I was lucky enough
to have had a 'little' bit of knowledge about making money
online, and also to have had a great friend who owned an online
business mentor me to help me survive the devastation. Over the
course of about a year and a half, I learned a lot and was able
to support myself and my children. And as I learned more and
more, I found all kinds of free or really inexpensive stuff to
help me build my business to the point where I could support my
children, since my ex refused to help in any way.
Most of this stuff can be found right on the blog, like
grants, and working with Google, a free prepaid credit card that
you can use to set up a Paypal or other merchant account and use
to collect money from your websites.
The first thing I recommend for you is this free pre-paid
credit card. I needed one to set up my own Paypal account, but
when I went to Wal-Mart to buy one they were $8.97 and a $4.95
fee every time I wanted to put money on it. I found a free
pre-paid credit card online and it came in the mail in a couple
of days. You can get it HERE.

Your Single Mom Survival Guide,
Simone Wexler